Feeling down about nursery manager's comments

[WonkyPigeons]

Regular poster but have name changed as a bit outing.

4 year old started preschool at the beginning of the month. The preschool is attached to the school where he is due to start at in September.

He is undergoing various assessments for SEN and can be quite challenging.

After a particularly traumatic dropoff this week with him being dragged away from me crying and screaming, practically pulled my fingers out of their sockets trying to cling on to me, manager rang me for a chat. I said my son had told me he doesn't like the hand drier noises in toilets there (whenever we go into a public toilet he gets panicked and begs me not to use them). The manager said I'm jumping on a bandwagon trying to get my son diagnosed with something. Said she has done the job for 34 years and my son 100% doesn't have autism or adhd, that he is fine with the hand driers and then again made the comment about jumping on a bandwagon. Said son has a temper and she suspects it's because he's been with me for too long and me being a single parent (my husband and I separated the year before last, however have had concerns about his behavioural traits since he was a baby). I said it felt like she was implying I'd held him back and she said "well at least you're actually doing the right thing now by sending him to nursery".

My son often flaps his hands etc, and she said "he keeps doing silly things with his hands to try and get attention from the other children". Son has been fully toilet trained since last year and twice since he's started he's wet himself there (no one has relayed this to me, I've found a bag in his rucksack with wee-soaked pants and trousers each time).

I am the first to admit I'm a bit sensitive so I don't know if I'm just overreacting but I have found her comments hurtful and dismissive. Not sure where to go from here. I don't want to kick off and be the annoying parent but equally I just want my son to be happy and supported, especially as he's due to attend school there in 5 months time and doesn't have long to adapt. He was at a nursery setting previously but after four months he still wasn't settling, I found a space at this one and thought as he was going to school there it would be good to get him used to the environment and routine etc.

Thanks for reading.

Complain. Follow up the verbal conversations with emails. Also request to speak to the SENCO.

Unfortunately it isn’t uncommon for nursery staff to not recognise SEN and tell parents their DC don’t have SEN.

op she has nothing to lose and actually money to gain if you get such a diagnosis

That isn’t correct. Nurseries don’t get extra funding just because a child is diagnosed.

Early years inclusion funding and EHCPs are based on needs, not diagnosis. So nursery does not have money to gain by a pupil being diagnosed.

Okay. I have the call recorded on my phone and she definitely did say it. She said she wasn't blaming me but she suspects his temper is due to me being a single mother as he thinks he's an adult. Not sure what the benefit of me making that up would be 😕

She sounds quite nasty. I would be fuming if nursery manager spoke to me like that and implied I was lying and ignored my concerns.
Complain and I'd try and see what the school are like about helping children/ families with special needs.
It might be a bit late but if they're as bad as the nursery then I'd probably decide to find a different school asap.

Hi , hun . Some nurseries do not know how to be with SEN children at all. My son went to Nursery for 2 years, they did a horrible job. He has ACC, he wasn't talking, they didn't put him on the SEND register. He was still in nappies at 4 , the manager was a SENco, told me it's perfectly fine because her daughter wasn't toilet trained at 4 and a half . When my so started school , the school was shocked because his needs were way higher than they thought, they paid a visit to the nursery they blamed me saying they didn't know. I went loads of time . But yh it affected my son a lot so I'd say make sure you send to a proper nursery. It seems like your nursery is dossing you about and it will affect your child when they start school. If you send your child to a mainstream school , they will need loads of support and it doesn't seem like they will provide it.

Exactly! They make out they are spoiled .