Not sure where to go from here...masking child and school

[Holly221288]

Hi,

I am posting on here as I had so many helpful and understanding responses previously that after another futile meeting today, I could really do with some advice again.

For background : My son is 8 years old. He is currently diagnosed with ADHD, speech disorder and Severe Dyspraxia. We are currently one form away from an Autism diagnosis too.

My son absolutely hates school. He will threaten to jump out windows in the morning or try to access things like knifes. The upset starts on a Sunday and happens every morning.

When I pick him up, he comes out looking very sad. He then perks up until we walk in the door at home when all hell breaks loose as he is so dysregulated.

Year two was better as his teacher took the time to get to know him and also communicated really well with me so it was a more regulated time. This year, his teacher claims the problems are no longer present. We have had numerous meetings, the last one (which I posted on here about), she said his behavior is impeccable at school and he has control at all times. She said he said he needed more boundaries at home and more punishments and that will stop his ‘paddies’.

Fast forward to today which was his IPP meeting with his class teacher and the SENCO. I told them that things have got significantly worse over the past couple of weeks in relation to his upset surrounding school. He has cried himself to sleep (I have been laid next to him as we unfortunately co-sleep due to his significant attachment to me) and that the crying/screaming has been starting from 5.30 in the morning. They said it must be heartbreaking but they are 'educators so this is beyond their remit'. The rest of the meeting was them basically saying he is happy and achieving etc. in school. They said his needs won't ever be eligible for any kind of funding as he is 'fine' in school.

Where do I go from here? I am completely empty, I have had to give up my job (ironically as as Assistant Senco and Inclusion Manager) as by the time I have got him to school I have nothing to give. When he is begging me not to go I genuinely don't want to send him but then I also don't want to go down the slippery slope of him being off school as I will eventually have to go back to work. All I want is for him to be happy.

Thank you for reading, I would appreciate any advice at all.

Ignore the current class teacher & SENCO. They haven’t got a clue. Appearing to cope at school but exploding at home isn’t uncommon. It is known as the coke bottle effect. It shows there are signifies unmet needs at school and DS isn’t really coping at school. There will be signs, they just are recognising them for what they are. The coke bottle effect isn’t beyond the schools remit. It is a result of school not meeting DS’s needs. Although it sounds like they/DS/you do need outside help in order to meet DS’s needs.

Request an EHCNA. Use the model letter on IPSEA’s model letter. You can get an EHCP for DC who mask. Unfortunately, some schools incorrectly tell parents their DC won’t get or don’t need an EHCP.

In the meantime, if DS can’t attend school the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education.

@Headfirstintothewild thank you so much for your reply.

They have said he has no chance of getting an EHCP so I am reluctant to apply without their backing. How will I prove his need?

In what form do the LA have to provide a full time education? Sorry for the questions.

Don’t listen to the school putting you off requesting an EHCNA. As I said, some schools incorrectly tell parents their DC doesn’t need or won’t get an EHCP.

The threshold for an EHCNA is relatively low - a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. You can use information from any professionals involved/recently been involved and information from school (make a SAR) as evidence. If you aren’t already, follow up verbal conversations with emails to create a paper trail you can then use as evidence. You may have to appeal, many do, but DS absolutely meets the threshold for an EHCNA.

The form section 19 provision takes varies depending on what is available and what is suitable for individual DC. It could be home tuition, hospital school, care farm, forest school, medical PRU, other AP setting, individual or small group tuition at a centre the LA use or in the community e.g. library/community centre/church hall…

@Headfirstintothewild thank you. I am going to make the request today. Thank you again

If you have money (low-ish single thousands probably) you can get tribunal level SALT, OT and Ed Psych reports.

Then one of two things happen a) school are proven right, your kid is just whiny and you're a pushover (doesn't sound likely tbh) or b) you have evidence of needs.

Did they actually use the word 'paddies'? Hugely inappropriate if so - let's hope there aren't any Irish kids in that class.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's exhausting. My husband also had to fully give up work to be with DD and manage school: she's on a very reduced timetable at the mo and is very needy.

We were in the complete eye of the storm a few months ago, with exactly the same dramas as you around school. It had been building since reception with constant refusal, and peaked in January this year, year 4.

There is a lot of reading I could recommend, but the first thing I will suggest is, can you just stop taking him in for a few weeks? It sounds like he is very distressed and at in peak 'survival mode' at all times, with very low tolerance levels. He may need some time to recover and regroup for a few weeks (and you will, too). There's no way you'd send an adult to work if they were screaming for two hours a day, jumping out of windows, and going for the knives (my daughter was doing the same). This did us all the world of good.

I phoned school and explained DD was having a significant mental health crisis and needed time to recover. She was harming herself and others. I had no expectation of her during this time off, we watched a lot of TV in the evenings, and now six weeks later she is calmer, sleeping better, and back in school for a few hours a day.

With the SENCO, I made it very clear what we were experiencing at home: she hadn't really grasped the extent of the violence. Our school has been reluctant to do an EHCNA, but we pushed.

It sounds like you may need extra help and guidance - ask your school to refer you to whatever home or family services offer is available to you. We were assigned a family support worker a few months after the referral. He is a superhero and helping us navigate all the SN, education and family services available to us, and helping us understand the EHCNA.

Personally, unless money is no object, I wouldn’t seek independent assessments now before applying for an EHCNA. Anyone good will have a waiting list and you don’t want to delay requesting an EHCNA. Also, if you request an EHCNA and e.g. the LA agree to assess but not issue so you have to appeal, as many do, by the time you get to a hearing any report now may well be considered out of date. Also, you may decide you desperately need to target your money at e.g. independent OT and SALT reports and the LA EP report will do (not brilliant but satisfactory compared to the need to get independent SALT and OT and will do for a refusal to issue).

Thank you so much for all of your responses, it genuinely means a lot.

@SalmonWellington yes the actual word paddies was used. The thought that it is me, crosses my mind on a daily basis. I would really hope it isn't as I have two older children who happily go to school each day and are parented in the same way. But I guess it could be.

@sleepworkmum I am so sorry that you have had to go through this as well. I have thought about letting him have a break (as I completely agree, I wouldn't expect an adult to do it) but my worry is that he will then never go back. Also (selfishly) I have no support network at all so we would be together 24/7 and I am not sure if mentally I could take that. Although I guess it would probably be easier to take than seeing him so distressed

@Headfirstintothewild thank you, I will hold off on the reports

I have made an appointment with our local SENDIASS so I am hoping that may be helpful too. Thank you again everyone

@Holly221288 There was a real risk that my DD wouldn't go back in to school, but I knew deep down that she wanted to be there. She was just far too frazzled. But I get it about the support network. I have my mum and my DH who gave up work so between us we were able to each have time with her when she was at home. I have a friend who is a single mum to three boys, one of which has had to take a few months' break from school and I have no idea how she gets through the day.

@sleepworkmum thank you for completely getting it

@Holly221288 so many people on here have been through this. I found it a total lifeline during the really intense days. You'll get through it, my main advice is to trust your gut and trust your child. Tell the school what you need, don't wait for them to find the solution. You are doing a wonderful thing for your son!

hugs!

It isn’t you! Don’t think that. That is what ‘the system’ wants.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good, but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies. IPSEA and SOSSEN are better.

If DS can’t attend school the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. This comes in various forms but could include an AP, so it doesn’t necessarily mean DS is at home full-time for ever more. Although it won’t be in place from day 1. Forcing DS to attend when he is so distressed is likely to cause further trauma.

If you get an EHCP, it can name a more appropriate school. Or if it is inappropriate for the provision to take place in a school there is also EOTAS packages via the EHCP.

I have a DC who has EOTAS (will soon have 2 when the LA get their act together and finalise his amended EHCP). It isn’t the end of the world.

You could also request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment for DS via the disabled children’s team for DS. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

@Headfirstintothewild I have never even heard of SOSSEN, I am going to try to call them tomorrow. I received a call from SENDIASS and they recommended in the first instance to ask school for a 5-10 minute debrief session for DS just before the end of the school day. So he can distinguish home from school. I think we have gone way past that point but will put it in an email anyway.

I will also use the forms on Contact to request the assessments.

You have done so well to get EOTAS, your children are lucky to have you fighting their corner.

Thanks again