How to cope with own emotions....

[squidler]

I am not coping at all well with DS1's (9)behaviour at the moment. I know it is ME and not him - we have had some bright spots this weekend, but most of the time it has been tantruming, explosions, bullying of his younger brother and very very onesided conversations. The last part I find hardest sometimes - that there seems to be no-one in his world apart from him.

I am also in a fairly new relationship after being on my own for several years - and for the first time in a really long time, I am myself feeling new emotions too. New partner is very gentle, loving, kind and we fit together really well. He has not met the children yet - but I want him to, both as I want to see how he is with them as we do come as a threesome but also I want them to know that this is friend of mine that I like and want to spend time with. I literally broke down in my bedroom yesterday - DS1 finds it so hard to understand emotions, but live without them (for me) is barren. DS2 is like me in this respect - they are not hidden or 'used' but freely talked about.

I am waiting for an assessment at the end of April for suspected Aspergers and I am on a TOIL day today so thought I would get the forms out after dropping them off as school. I am feeling so sad and guilty that right now, I actually cant think of anything to put in the Your Child's Strengths section. Maybe I need to take some time to have a ME morning after this weekend and then I will feel more positive.

Just having a low morning with new things happening around me and for me, with the assessment and a bad weekend. I also think I need to learn some new ways in which to 'secure my own oxygen mask before helping others' - mine seems to have slipped somewhat...

I wonder if anyone has any ideas of how to cope better with their OWN strong emotions?

It is hard to stay upbeat all the time squidler and you sound like you are just having a bad time: weekends are always tougher, as there's no school for respite! It's like you have to be on their case every hour of every day, 15 hours a day. It just IS hard, it's not just you! Your new DP sounds nice and kind though, and my god it will help if there are two of you to watch out for the kids. If it gets too much with my DS, I am not ashamed to say that I lock him (safely) in a room while I sort myself out or have a fag or a cup of tea. Whatever it takes to secure my own mask before I do his! Rest and time for yourself is the only idea I have for coping with strong emotions. And then hopefully you re-enter the fray with renewed energy. Big hugs! nb - on strengths it sounds like he is very articulate and has good language?

Thanks ancientmiddleagedmum. I just find it hard at times.

We have been playing in the garden this afternoon and I noticed that DS1 had written 'Kill DS2' on his wrist. He has had three meltdowns since I picked him up from school - one over not going to the 'right' village shop for bread, one because it is Monday (sigh) and another one because I asked him to get the hens some fresh water.

I wish I could know what is going on for him so I can help him more.

Squidler, I don't know if it's the same for you, but I find I have to be extremely firm and use aversive techniques for my DS's aggressive behaviour. He is only 5 , so it's easier than for you with him being older, but my basic principle is that I am in charge, he is the kid, and if he does ANYTHING aggressive the penalties are clear and unwelcome to him. In our case, we use washing his hair as an aversive penalty but could you use no computer time, or no TV, or lock in room? Some of his behaviours might be attention seeking, which ABA tutors say you should ignore, but I'm not sure about writing that on his wrist. It's difficult as if you ignore it, you are giving it no attention so he might give up. But I would myself treat any aggression towards DS2 very seriously, find something he absolutely hates and that's what he gets every single time he does it (nb I would never hit a child, so I had to find something else like hairwash which is aversive to my DS because he hates it). Ignore me if this is all just not relevant, I don't want to be one of those people giving you stupid advice when you've tried everything. But if you can find some way to get back the power, and stop his moods from governing your life, it might be good for both. You'll probably be thinking - easier said than done, but if there is ANYTHING which motivates him , his precious collection of something, or TV or whatever, and you are consistent so he learns behaviourally that it's just not worth his while to do the aggression as the results are ALWAYS bad for him?? My theory is that sometimes it's not the autism, it's just normal naughty child stuff pushign the boundaries and so we need to give it normal "punishment". Anyway, big hugs to you as it is SO VERY HARD.