Can I ask about aspergers - worried

[GooseyLoosey]

Seen a similar thread but did not want to butt in, so hope you'll forgive me asking something similar.

Ds is just coming up to his 5th birthday. He is without doubt a bright child. He can read and write slightly above the age norm but can also explain gravity and global warming to you. He is very articulate.

Problem is with social interaction - and I have been concerned about this for years. He just does not know how to get on with other children. He buts into games in inappropriate ways, has a very literal interpretaion of rules and is incensed by any transgression of them, can be agressive when he perceives unfairness and has difficulties in understanding how other children feel.

By way of example, was at a birthday party yesteday (ds gets invited to very few . Everyone ignored ds and he did not know what to do. He was confused when the party games were explained and just sat there (he said the noise was too loud and he could not focus). Later, they were told to form a train and not to break it. Ds got hold of a boy who did not want ds to hold him and told him to let go, ds however was focused on the "don't break it" bit and would not. It ended up in a brawl on the floor (as I was sprinting over).

These are all very vague things and I don't know if I am worrying about nothing, but it is breaking my heart to see ds being left out of everything by his peers and ignored in the playground.

If you have got to the end of this, thankyou so much and I just wondered if this sounded familiar to anyone out there?

My ds starts school in September. It's our local school - just a short walk away - and is 2-form entry (ie 60 kids/year), so not exactly small. They don't have a dedicated unit for special needs. I really hope it isn't a nightmare for us, but I guess we'll have to wait and see and explain as much in advance to his teachers and headteacher as we can, so that they can pick up on any potential issues more quickly. At least so far my ds has always coped far better with new things than we expected - he settled into his preschool within a morning, despite having spent the first 2.5 years of his life apparently unable to have me leave his sight.

What sort of support is it that your daughter gets at her current school? I'm particularly worried about how my son will cope in the school playground at break times, as his hypotonia and hypermobility do impact significantly on his ability to run as fast as other children, avoid being knocked over altogether if bumped into, etc, and it also hugely knocks his self confidence when he is pushed over, because he recognises that this happens more easily to him than others. Is there plenty of attention given to your daughter at these times as well as in the classroom?

Anyway, all the best in the school move - I hope it goes smoothly for you and turns out to have been the right decision.

Not sure whether parents evening went well or not. Started with teacher talking non-stop for 10 mins about things we weren't interested in, we couldn't get a word in edgeways (which is unusual for dh and I). He's good at maths but lacks fine motor control and gets frustrated when he can't do things immediately... no s&*t sherlock, we would never have noticed!

She stopped speaking right at the end of our alloted time and then started to get up. I wondered if she didn't want to actually engage with us about ds. At that point I said we had concerns of our own we wanted to discuss as ds seemed increasingly unhappy.

I explained the social isolation which I see at parties and in the playground when I drop him off for school and have seen when I look through the classroom window. I pointed out that in all the photos they have up of class work (many), ds is on his own or with a teacher in all of them, whereas other children are interacting in groups. I have also discussed issues with her previously.

Her response? "Really, I hadn't noticed anything", when pushed more she said "when I put them in groups he is fine". I said he was good at structured activities where there were clear rules, it was unstructured activities where there is an issue, again the response was "really?".

I am now wondering if I am mad. I had just convinced dh that there might be an issue and we should at least find out. He now says I'm imagining most of it. I accept that the problem could be that ds is just not likeable (although I cannot see this myself at all but then I am not 4), but no problem at all? When pressed she agreed that ds had a very literal interpretation of rules and a rigid concept of the right way to do things and this can rub others up the wrong way. He also does not recognise teasing and perceives it as an attack and shouts agressively when this happens.

I am at a loss now, am I a hypersensitive mother or is she almost willfully closing her eyes to the fact that something might be wrong. Help!!!

Hi Goosey, firstly well done for raising all these isssues even though you are not getting much back up.
This is a difficult one. On the one hand it looks like your ds is quite mildly affected if the teacher doesn't notice. That's good news.
On the other hand you are picking up that his life is not easy at school and there does seem to be some very mild AS traits there.

I think you've got loads to work with in terms of your ds's potential, probably a not very aware teacher but you might have sown a seed for her. Also bear in mind that a lot of teachers don't go out with the class at playtime so it might be worth chatting with the classroom assistants who do.

You said money was no object so it might be you have to have ds assessed by a private ed. psychologist. We were lucky that ds behaviour was so 'unnormal' at preschool that he is in the assessment network. I don't have any advice for older children but I do want you to trust your mummy instincts - I think this counts for a lot.
You didn't say where you were - perhaps if people have a vague idea they can recommend someone?

In the meantime it might also be worth getting some books on social skills training for children with autism - these are good for any children not just sn. Amazon has loads - have a look and see what would suit ds.
It's so painful to watch this kind of struggle in a child - you sound like a great mum for wanting to tackle it. Wishing you lots of courage.

I am not surprised at the teacher saying she had not noticed your DS on his own-my DS used to be entirely alone in the playground. No-one noticed. It was when one of my older DSs went back to the school on a social visit that we first realised. He came home and said DS5 was just walking around on his own the whole time. Once he was being assessed, the pyschologist observed the same thing on her visits. But the school had noticed nothing and probably never would have!

I would go back to plan A and try your GP. Write a list of concerns and do not let her fob you off! Lack of recognition by a teacher certainly does not mean that a child does not have AS!

Thanks Nikos and Tiggi, sounds like maybe I am not being paranoid. If he does have AS, I know it is fairly mild which just makes it all the more important to me that I recognise it as it seems to me that with the right approach he could overcome most difficulties as he is quite adaptive.

Tiggi, you have to wonder at how they can miss it all. When I pointed out the photos she said it was just coincidence!

Nikos, good idea, I will look for books, does anyone have any recommendations?

Dh and I (before talking to the teacher) had decided that a private assessment would be the best way forward. Then if I am worried about nothing, I will not have made ds stand out at school at all. I have looked on google etc and can't find any, how does one go about this? I live fairly close to Bath and Bristol so either would do.

Goosey-try starting a new thread asking if anyone has had a private assessment done for AS. I am pretty certain there are some on here who have gone that route, but they may not be reading this thread.

Hi Goosey,

I certainly agree that if a private assessment is an option for you then go for it.

Just a thought but would your DH go to your GP instead of you? i know that you are worried that the GP wouldnt take you seriously .

Hels,

DD doesnt get any support atall at playtimes, i think the only reason school have given her support in lesson time is because she was disrupting the class.

From what i have read its quite rare for a child (even with a statement) to get any additional support at breaktimes.

For some reason, until he is convinced that ds has a problem he does not want to involve any sort of officialdom so it would require major nagging to get him to even come with me. Had the teacher confirmed my fears he might have done but now, whilst he admits that ds has some issues, he perfers alternative explanations.