Does anyone else have a child who likes you to hurt them?

[hecate]

I really could do with advice. I wanted to post this under a temp name, but I knew the only way to be taken seriously was for you to 'know' me. otherwise you'd probably just think I was a troll and hurl abuse at me!

I am in 2 minds about posting this because I fear you lot are going to think I am making this up! I can only promise you it is true and hope that the fact that I have been around for ages and always try to be nice, will count for me

DS1. 8, keeps wanting me to hurt him. He asks all the time for me to smack his bottom hard. When I ask him (not unreasonably) why, he tells me he likes it.

He also wants me to squeeze him very hard. He has asked me to bite him as well, more than once. He puts his hand to my mouth and when I refuse, he bites himself to 'show me'. When I tell him that I am not prepared to hurt him, he tells me that he wants me to and again, that he likes it. "I like hurt" are his actual words.

He's autistic btw, in case I don't bleat on about it enough.

I sort of think that perhaps it's a sensory thing? Also. ok. this is hard..he rubs against me a lot. When I hug him, he wiggles in a way that is clear he is rubbing himself on me. It is completely inappropriate and one of the few things that gets me visibly angry with him. I very much want him to stop that, it makes me really scarily angry, but no matter how much I tell him to stop, he does it again the next time.

I daren't ask the school if he does these things - god knows what they'd do or think of him. I don't want to raise it with the paed or advisory service etc because I am - ok, this will sound stupid - I am afraid they'd put him down as a pervert. If I am being honest, this is probably because due to the above, I actually have that fear. About my own son. I feel shit and I am really hoping to get about a hundred posts all telling me their kids do the same.

I don't know what to say hecate apart from that possibly when one has a sensory overload the sheer feeling of pain could possibly cut through it and bring some relief

I would also say that you have no reason at all to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this .. I don't find it that odd really... nor to not wish to discuss this with his school

I have read somewhere about ASD & pain thresholds - could it be that he has a high pain threshold & is 'testing' the boundaries ?? is he doing it for the reaction he gets from you ?

ds1 used to drag dh upstairs to get him to lie on him. He's always crawling under sofa cushions and trying to get people to lie on him. And he lies under 2 futon mattresses and gets people to lie on him.

It's quite common in autism-a need for deep pressure. Shiatsu might help! (I want to try it with ds1 and there is someone near me who is experiences with severely autistic kids).

Ds1 bites himself etc a lot as well.

I agree with Yurt. I don't think that this sort of sensation seeking is at all unusual with ASD - as I understand it, it's down to sensory issues - in this case hyposensitivity. Possibly OT would be the best to advise about this sort of issue?

I think the liking being hurt thing is surely a sensory thing. Does he actually mean "like", or do you think he says he likes it because for once he can actually feel it? And that he "likes" having a feeling (any feeling?)

dd1 is only 3 (also autistic), but se ahs had moments of doing stuff that looks like it must really hurt her, but she regards it almost as an experiment.

with the rubbing against you - could it be that he knows this will get a reaction form you? Again, dd1 will do an awful lot at times to provoke a reaction, any reaction. If I am ignoring her for some reason (a valid one, as in behaviour correction, rather than so i can Mnet (honest )) then she will pull out all the stops, until she finally hits paydirt and I react - even though it soemtimes means a smack (and she knows this)

I can also understand why you don't want to discuss with the school, and also understand your fears - dd1 rubs herself against the floor, as many toddlers do, and I have this fear that she may not grow out of it (as most toddlers do) and am very aware that my reactions towards it will shape whether she does grow out of it or not.

When ds was tiny, before he could even walk, he used to throw himself face down on to the floor from the settee. It must have hurt and any other child would have cried but he would just climb up and do it again. He also used to smack the back of his hands against the walls quite hard. He doesn't do that now but he still craves deep pressure, especially on his wrists. He puts my hand there (trying to show me what he wants iyswim) and squeezes it so hard that it really hurts me but he doesn't seem to feel the pain.

Thanks folks. I have been wondering sensory problems. He used to NEVER show when hurt, but in recent years he went the opposite wat - totally OTT in yelling when hurt (or nearly hurt!!!) so I don't know about pain threshold - could it be very high and he's yelling at the idea of pain when he falls or something??

T stay calm when he asks me to jurt him, I just say no. It's only the rubbing that gets me angry and I try to not show it but I feel on fire with rage, so it may show so much that even he sees it!

I forgot to add that one yurt! Yes, ds1 also wants us to lie on him and to squash him by sitting either side of him and leaning in!

crikey, my tuping is pants tonight. sorry. I guess it's because I'm a bit distracted.

Apart from the biting he sounds a lot like my ds2. If I catch him doing the rubbing thing I just push him off me and say a calm(ish!) "No".

The OT recommended doing lots of deep pressure stuff with ds2. Wrapping him up in a duvet and pushing seems to work well. He also likes being sandwiched between two big cushions.

Ds2 tries to use me to hurt himself IYSWIM. Instead of banging his head against the sofa or hitting himself he will headbutt my arm over and over instead.

So there you go. Mine does the same.

I'm so pleased to hear it I could kiss you.

Bibic recommended a deep pressure exercise for dd1 - basically roll her up in a blanket like a sausage roll (as tight as safety allows) and then squash her a bit more . Then we're supposed to do a massage type thing, but its quite hard to do through the blanket, but rub her back/shoulders etc while she's all rolled up. dd1 loves it.

DS1 is a bit like this - hyposensitive I mean. He's not autistic though - I don't think! Anyway - rolling up in a blanket and then rolling them out is good, as his rolling him up and heaping beanbags on top and leaving for a while. Deep massage around the joints - if he'll let you.

Also I've heard talk of weighted vests being good to give sensory feedback.

DS1 doesn't ask to be hit, he just sits on the floor and hangs off the sofa - but I think I know what you're talking about.

My friend whose son is autistic, rubs himself up and down against things a lot - especially lamp posts, and poles in playgrounds. I'll ask her if she found a way to inhibit or persuade him to do privately if you like.

If you don't mind my asking - How much did you pay for the bibec assessment - I've just looked at their site but it didn't say what the charge was, only that there was one.

thanks 100x, that would be very helpful

So I guess I'm to start rolling him up and sitting on him.

And when SS come to get me, I shall blame you lot

I think the basic assessment is £500, and then you can add an exptra consultation or two on top (eg SALT/nutritionist) at £75 each. Bear in mind that you also need to find somewhere to stay (we stayed in a totally fab B&B as recommended by someone else on here, was really great)

I think they have bursary schemes/grants for poeple who can't afford it (Cauldwell Trust?)

It was def worth it for dd1 - 2 full days of baseline assessmnets, and then a programme tailored to their findings/what you reckon you can manage. So we have a 20 min/day programme, but broken down in to 3-5 min segments (eg sausage roll massage for 5 mins, a CD audio desensitisation that we have in the car, so listen to each time we go out, etc)

bloody hell fire that's a lot of money - esp since I've got 2 so we're talking assessments plus consultations plus accomodation - in excess of £1500.

Oh bloody hell you've just reminded me I haven't done our BIBIC routine for ages- Its terrible.
Hecate- We found BIBIC quite useful in terms of developmental assessment but to be honest we cant justify the cost of going back. Many of the exercises we were given I had seen before. Im not sure how tailored they are but Id be happy to share them with you.

The bursary is from BIBIC by the way.

My ds1 has as and likes being squashed and so on He really becomes calm under his weighted blanket.
Has little pain sensation -I have never seen him cry over pain even when he broke his foot he just said a quiet 'ow'.
He repeatedly slaps himself in the crotch (did so whilst receiving an award in assembly a few weeks ago) - the only thing that works is saying 'hands up'.
He has an unconcious habit of putting his finger down his bottem and then in his mouth - I daren't ask school about this because I have no idea what to do about it if he does do it there. He also does awful things with his poo at home, but I won't mention that at his school meetings because I almost feel like I'm letting him down.
I think my ds took a long time to realise I was not an extension of him - he would hit me like he hits himself - maybe the rubbing is like that?

I htink, hecate, that if you talk to them they might come to some arrangement, especially since you've got 2. I got the impression when talking to them that they would hate for anyone to miss out for financial reasons. I didn't explore any further because we could afford it, but they were very keen to point out there was help available, right from the start.

Also, when I said basic asessment before, that sounded wrong - the full 2 day assessment is the "basic" one I was tlaking about, and then you can add on the extras - I wouldn't bother with the SALT one again - she was very nice, but didn't say a lot new. The so-called basic assessment is very thorough, and encompasses a lot of different approaches.

Silverfrog if you dont mind me asking what did you do in your assessment?

Ours was a questionaire that had different parts to it like building a tower, threading, seeing if ds could recognises numbers and letters seeing if he could jump, crawl etc. WAs yours the same? We also had the SALT who was very nice but didn't give us any new info.

Sorry I forgot to answer your op - yes he does like to be hit - he constantly asks his siblings to hit him and finds it very exciting. I will squeeze his hands for him, but I won't hit him (for obvious reasons) and I think the level of intense excitement does freak me out. I think he will learn that all these thingsit'are inappropriate, but like everything it will bw later than I would hope.