Please help!

[Mumtoboys1]

So this has been a constant dilemma for a good few years , I have an ASD 9 year old whos main hobby is games. Saying that, one of the things he can't handle is losing. So the 2 don't go very well. He takes things SO personal and holds grudges and seeks revenge. We have tried him playing one player games (not online like Fortnite) but instead of raging at other players and reporting them, he now blames the entire company, for example playing super mario games, he will be convinced that Nintendo is bullying him. He will kick off so loud and swear in his bedroom which is right next to the neighbours and I just dread what they think.

I know the issue isn't games, it's his emotional regulation. BUT I don't know how to get through to him, when he's not worked up he will talk sense to me yet once he's in the moment all his knowledge goes. It's been like this with most things since I can remember, being in the moment seems to eliminate everything he knows. His level of frustration with other things in life have massively improved so his tolerance for it is a lot better. For example we never used to be able to walk past shops because he would be devastated not being able to go in, the same with someone else pressing the button at the lights first he would have a meltdown and get on the floor and even scream at the person even if it was a person. Now it's much different and things have calmed down a lot. But this frustration with games has not gone away. I'm worried I can't change the rigid thinking he has with it. A big part of me wants to just now allow him on games. But I don't know.

P.s he doesn't really like doing anything else so it's difficult to find him alternatives unless going out which I can't do everyday nor afford to. Board games don't work either he just doesn't sit still and ends up messing with all the peices as well as getting annoyed. Any advice please

I would be reducing the time spent gaming. And if the only way to do that is by going out I would be considered how I can make it possible for DS to spend more time out. For example, are you claiming everything you are eligible for, including having applied for grants? Does DS attend school? Does he have an EHCP? Have you had social care assessments? Do you have a garden and does that meet DS’s need for going out or do you mean going out out? Does e.g. going to the woods/going for a bike ride meet DS’s definition of going out?

Also, is he receiving any support for emotional regulation?

Thanks for reply! He has been home educated since last year due to not being able to cope in the setting. EHCP was refused and school couldn't really offer any more help in terms of accomodating him e.g working on his own. He's fine academically brilliant at maths but just couldn't deal with the sensory overload and social issues. Breaks my heart. So now we kind of have no external help it all feels very lonely.

One big issue is we also took younger brother out of school too ( mostly dads decision ) so now my eldest doesn't get much peace and I now feel very stuck hence why I haven't made decision to take games away as that's all he wants to do. He doesn't really like to play and doesn't play with his brother. Not for long anyway. I am definitely going to re apply for EHCP I just dont know how it works now we are at home. He doesn't cope well with strangers in the house.

Did you appeal the EHCP refusal?

I would:
-Request an EHCNA yourself using IPSEA’s model letter. You request an EHCNA in the same way as you would do if DS was in school.
-Request social care assessments (a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS) using Contact’s model letters.
-Apply for DLA using Cerebra’s guide if you haven’t already.
-Check you if you are eligible for any other benefits or if you already receive other ones check you are receiving everything you are entitled to.
-Apply for any grants you may be eligible for e.g. Family Fund, Merlin’s Magic Wand.
-If your area provides sensory OT, request a referral.
-Contact the local young carer’s service for DS2.
-Look for Home Ed groups for DS2 (and DS1 if he would cope/there are any suitable) or put DS2 back in school.

Do you have any sensory equipment at home?

Thanks so much for all the advice!
We do get DLA yes and I'm definitely going to look into all these things you've suggested
We do have things inside but have been having trouble for years now with the garden, next door is just full of trees which now cover half of our garden so it's now unsuitable to use.

Really considering sending DS2 back to school but also think it would be really helpful for DS1 to attend special needs school which is why the refusal was so disheartenening.
Just wish there was more support especially for parents Ive been in burnout almost constantly since home educating

I would make an in year application for DS2, request an EHCNA for DS1, and inform the LA you are no longer EHE and DS1 is not able to attend school so they need to make alternative arrangements.

Is it possible he would be able to get into a special needs school without EHCP ??

Unless you can afford to self fund and there is a suitable independent special school who accepts self funders and will offer a place, you will need an EHCP.