Teachers thinks 4 year old son has ASD - what can I do to educate myself?

[Snowdrop80]

Since my DS was 2 years old I suspected he was neurodiverse but he is happy and we’ve been managing ok. However since he started school in September he’s had a lot of anxiety, some sensory issues and explosive meltdowns at home to the point where he can try and hurt himself. I approached school and they were brilliant. I had a meeting with his two teachers that same week and they said they strongly believe he is neurodivergent and also dyspraxic (which is a separate issue to this post). Traits they’ve noticed are high levels of anxiety, struggles if anything is out of routine, sensory issues, struggles to read social cues. He masks at school and is perfectly behaved and then melts down at home. I have filled out all the forms and passed them to school to fill out their parts and it’s being submitted for a referral for diagnosis which I’ve heard is a very very long wait.

My question is - what can I do to help him? I’m trying to educate myself but prior to this I knew very little about autism. I need to change how I parent him because sometimes I get frustrated about things which causes him more upset and anxiety (for example during his meltdowns, or when he can’t sit at a table and eat food because he’s overwhelmed) and I need to stay calmer. The main thing I want to help him with is his anxiety. He worries about everything especially at bedtime. Are there any specific books that are good that can educate me on how I can help him at home? Thank you

First - you sound lovely, as does your kid.

I love the Explosive Child book - bad title, it isn't really about exploding. Usborne do a good 'All About' series that's helpful at that age.

For sensory difficulties, The Out of Sync Child book can help. There’s also this booklet that is a good starting point.

Wonderful that your school is already acting and that you yourself are being proactive.

I have done a crazy amount of reading in the past year and to be honest I have taken a little bit from everything to form a picture. Start bitesize - don't overwhelm yourself too quickly, and remember that every child is different so only take on board what makes sense to you and how your DS interacts.

The main message I would pass on from my reading is that 'all behaviour is expression'. If he is acting out at school and really acting out at home (its often called being dis-regulated), its an expression of a need or a difficulty that he can't yet articulate.

I sought out basic information from the National Autistic Society and - randomly - the Australian Autistic Society. The UK NAS has a few videos that help explain the autistic experience. The (paid) online videos on autism and school by Dr Naomi Fischer are really helpful.

There are loads of podcasts out there - I found the autism related episodes on Tilt Parenting helpful. When you're ready for books (which can be overwhelming so take it one at a time) What Works for Autistic Children by Luke Beardon and yes the Explosive Child are good.

A lot of autism content out there is about 'low demand parenting' (Dr. Fisher is a big advocate of this), which I have found helpful with my DD, and sounds like you'd find this helpful. It certainly requires a big mindset change so I've taken bits and bobs here and there. At the more 'out-there' end of low-demand parenting is the idea of 'unschooling', and I highly recommend you don't go down that rabbit hole at this stage!

If school is a challenge then it might be helpful down the line investigate his sensory needs. A private sensory assessment by an OT is £300 (in my county) and that might give you more information on why school is a struggle.

also, Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman

Thanks everyone. I am feeling guilty at the moment that I haven’t had enough patience with him and I really want to work on it but I feel like I know very little and it’s all a minefield. I will check out the websites and books that have been suggested. I already have The Explosive Child so I’ll definitely give that one a go

Don't overload yourself though. The best thing I reckon is just learning to be calm, quiet and give him space for his meltdowns and finding the thing that helps to sooth him. When my daughter is at her peak, I will gently say 'I'd like to watch some Bluey, how about you?' And then we cuddle together in front of the telly. It's a bout being gentle and following his lead. Good luck, you are doing a wonderful job.

There's an OU course about understanding autism which is free. I don't actually know how good it is - the ADHD one is good.

But if you wanted to start with the basics that might help? I think it can be a bit overwhelming just to start jumping into resources if you don't really have a framework to hang them on.

The framework in The Explosive Child is great but I think understanding the concept of stress behaviour is one of the most important things - Mona Delahooke is a good intro to this, and Stuart Shanker (self-reg) is a more in depth understanding.

I have heard really good things about The Out of Sync Child too. I read Too Fast, Too Bright, Too Loud, Too Tight years ago for sensory stuff which was good, I think OOSC is more up to date.

Best intro to autism I've ever read by Damian Milton for DfE/Autism Education Trust (you need to click the link then download the .pdf from this page).

https://kar.kent.ac.uk/id/eprint/62698