ADHD, swearing and consequences

[Whatafustercluck]

We have periodic swearing from 7yo dd when she's anxious and becomes irritable. This morning, she couldn't get her hair perfect which resulted in her snapping at dh "I am fucking doing it" when dh tried to encourage her to be ready on time. At the end of last week she called me a fucking idiot because her laces were tied too tightly and didn't feel 'perfect'. From experience I know that rising to it invariably escalates things to a point where we'll be unable to leave the house. So we're completely ignoring it and staying as calm as possible, talking to her when she's calm about how she could have dealt with it differently and how it made us feel. She's always remorseful and ashamed (writes us sorry notes and makes us beautiful cards etc) but should we be giving her a consequence? It's hard because we know she knows it's wrong, so it's not a case of using a consequence to correct the behaviour - it's an impulsive response to stress on her part. But it feels counter intuitive not to give her a consequence, particularly as we wouldn't accept it from her older brother. What do others suggest? And what might be a suitable consequence if we should be giving her one? When she's like that, she's not at all bothered about consequences, they have absolutely no impact on her.

Following, as my DD is the same and I don’t know if I should be dealing with it differently - currently staying calm and asking her not to use bad language in the moment and then talking to her separately about healthy ways to deal with frustration and anger than don’t involve being verbally or physically aggressive.

Ignoring it in the moment and dealing with it afterwards is, IMO, the right way to go. Trying to confront DD when she is already in a heightened state is likely to lead to further escalation and result in DD becoming more dysregulated.

Has DD had an OT assessment? Both your examples could be related to sensory difficulties.

No, she's awaiting GD assessment by paediatrics so has no formal diagnosis yet. I tried to get her an OT assessment (self referral) when she had a period of school avoidance about a year ago. They spoke with me on the phone, provided some links to sensory processing management strategies, and told me to come back if things didn't improve. That was when she was at the top of her anxiety curve though, and she's been so much better since then. We did pay for a private specialist to do some work with us, primarily to try to reduce her anxiety to a point where the sensory problems were barely noticeable and she was able to go back to school. We're not sure whether general anxiety causes the tactile sensitivity, or whether the tactile sensitivity causes the anxiety - a bit of both we think, with some control issues/ OCD type behaviours thrown in for good measure! She's been amazingly well regulated for quite some time now, so I'm just hoping this isn't the start of another of her black phases.

If DD has an EHCP, therapies, including OT, can be included in there. You should request an early review of the EHCP.

The most difficult thing for me is that when it's just us, at home, I can stay calm. When she does it in public I become so embarrassed and feel like I need to react in some way because I worry that other people will think I'm an appalling parent with an appallingly badly behaved child! I'm learning to care less, but it's fair to say that dh still struggles with this aspect.

She has an ehcp but it's light touch and has nothing in there about OT. It was purely based on an Ed Psych report, as the LA essentially said they wouldn't get responses from other services (I suggested OT and SALT) before the statutory deadline as their waiting times were so long. By that stage, I was just relieved to get the Ed Psych's involvement and prove that dd does have difficulties, even if they're not immediately apparent at school.

Are you still within the appeal window? If so, appeal. If not, request an early review. The LA’s excuse was nonsense and unlawful. If they couldn’t assess in-house/via the NHS within the statutory timescale they should have commissioned independent assessments.

I never use sanctions or rewards with my son, and would not punish him for behaviour like that (he has ASD rather than ADHD). For the examples given, I wouldn’t have a problem with example 1, but example 2 (being called a fucking idiot) would bug me - so I would probably speak to him about it another (calmer) time. Personally, I don’t have a problem with swearing as I see it as much more appropriate than violence/aggression (which is how he would have responded at one time). I think there is a distinction between swearing because you have eg stubbed your toe (which a lot of adults would do) and swearing that is directed at someone, such as example 2.

I agree that it is more difficult in public (I’ve been there) but I think you’ve just got to develop a thick-skin. As for staying calm:- I think that is great in principle but we parents are only human, so it is ok I think to sometimes not be entirely serene in the moment. We need to model the behaviour that we want our children to show - and I don’t expect my son to be perfect.

In terms of your other child, I don’t think it is unfair to parent them differently. So long as her behaviour isn’t directly aimed at him (eg violence/breaking his stuff) which I would be tempted to deal with more firmly.

Thank you, I know you're right about developing a thicker skin. When I've reacted less than perfectly, I've explained to her that just as she has some strong feelings and emotions, so do I and my reaction has been fuelled by embarrassment. I've realised that talking to her about my own feelings generally has helped improve her emotional literacy and she seems to feel less alone/ more 'normal' as a result.

I've had quite a few conversations with our son about it all. Thankfully as he's 6 years older than her (13) he has a great understanding and is so helpful most of the time. But he's just a normal kid so there are still times when he'll say "if I did that, you'd come down on me like a ton of bricks!" And he's right, we would, so we always try to address that with him when it happens.

If she directs physical aggression at him, we have a consequence. And he understands more now about how he can help de-escalate situations with her that he's involved in. A tall order for a 13yo though, it has to be said.