Autistic son, yr 8, how to help him with grief and sadness

[Ssamjang]

Hello everyone. My 12 year old son has just been dumped by his 'girlfriend' (he'd known her for about 3 weeks and they mainly interacted by text message, go to different schools, bit it was important to him). Also a close family friend passed away very recently. And he has been having some friendship issues with one or two boys from school, mainly because he can't cope with banter or teasing and reacts very explosively even when it's clear (to everyone but him) thay they weren't trying to be unkind.

I've just been into his room as I saw his light on, and he's sitting up in tears talking about how the world hates him amd if things get worse he wants to kill himself. He's said things like this in the past pre-diagnosis, always when he's been having friendship problems.

I'm.npt too concerned abput keeping him safe, i am.confident i can do that. Amd we are seeking help extenrally (therapist, local autism support services etc). But I don't know what to say that might help him feel better. I am also autistic and I had very similar issues at his age, and felt the same. However I was much more able to accept comfort from my mum - I liked hugs and her telling me she loved me. That helped me feel safe. My son hates physical contact and any kind of soppiness makes him uncomfortable. I don't know how else to comfort him. Any ideas?

Hello there,

I feel your pain in the uncertainty of helping your son feel better. I don’t have any specific ideas; but I have had to deal with my asd son and his younger sister who does not have sen and with our grief of their father dying suddenly and unexpectedly 2 years ago.
I also see my son experiencing difficulties at school with understanding his peers interactions more so with the parents whom aren’t receptive to his incessant presence and talking when they are trying to parent their own but for others ignorance I do not bend towards ambiguity but rather gently explain over and over on each school run etc that my son has to check sometimes others don’t want to talk or listen to what he wants to tell them and that is normal and not to be offended. Its hard work though and extremely exhausting. I am sad for your younger years saying you also felt sad but accepting of physical love reassurance, I am not diagnosed with any sen but still I never had that and felt very isolated and misunderstood as a child. Your commitment to your son’s wellbeing and his mother are such a commendable quality you should be proud of. Some parents would be emotionally unstable if their child expressed suicidal thoughts, but this in the context of “the world hates me” shows his age and some naivety so if you can’t express understanding by touch, I suggest maybe just being physically present at all times and trying to dissect his sadness like I would with my son as he is only 7 and the world cannot hate one person alone we are in the billions and all are unique and special for loads of reasons. Tell him hate is just a sense we feel but don’t have to let it make us feel pain and nobody can ever really under how someone else’s mind works and why people can be friendly or unfriendly or mixtures of both. I know this girl was important but just keep telling him that he isn’t at fault and he will and deserves to have more girlfriends in the future so not being sad about this will help that. I repeat the same explanations to my son on his views and when he gets overwhelmed and has emotional meltdowns I just try and offer my support and opinions as he will often say “why” and at least for now I can use my age and experiences to show him that I will only ever want the best for him as I know thats how you feel. Other times its painful and saddens me but I have to just let him “be”. The more your son can just “be” but in the safety of your presence and verbal communication then the less sad he hopefully will be but as we know their navigation and development of the world will always need more awareness.
Bereavement is an aspect of our lives now we have no choice but to face. My daughter talks to her daddy and believes he is in heaven and watches over her. I am not religious, less so since his death and the spiritual aspects so I can’t influence her in any way. My asd son is literal to his understanding and says if you can’t travel to heaven like on a bus, then it is not real and daddy can’t be there……it took him 9 months to acknowledge his presence missing and as he grows his feeling towards this will be ever changing so I just try and talk when he mentions daddy and when he misses him I say I do too and sometimes he is upset and sometimes he is arguing with his sister about her beliefs so every day is another lesson. I do hope your external support provides you both with counsel over your loss. Warm thoughts, xx