Teacher saying ND son is down to my parenting

[Holly221288]

Hi,

I have posted about my son’s school refusal previously but things have progressed.

My son is 8 years old. He is currently diagnosed with ADHD, speech disorder and Severe Dyspraxia. We are currently one form away from an Autism diagnosis too.

My son absolutely hates school. He will threaten to jump out windows in the morning or try to access things like knifes. The upset starts on a Sunday and happens every morning.

When I pick him up, he comes out looking very sad. He then perks up until we walk in the door at home when all hell breaks loose as he is so dysregulated.

He had a brilliant teacher in year two who took time to get to know him and his quirks, she put things in place to make his day easier and things therefore became a little easier at home. He still disliked school but not to this level.

So at the beginning of this year his teacher claimed all of the problems his teacher reported in year two are no longer present. I ended up going to the head teacher and long story short, he agreed that my son was masking. They have put various interventions in place for things he is educationally not achieving but nothing else.

After a particularly bad morning today, I told the TA at the door which she passed on to his teacher. The door teacher then spoke to my son today and called a meeting after school. She has basically said his behaviour is impeccable at school and he has control at all times. So she can’t understand why he can’t do the same at home. She said he said he needs more boundaries at home and more punishments and that will stop his ‘paddies’. So basically he is the way he is because of my parenting.

I just don’t really know where to go from here or even why I’m posting

Complain. Have you spoken to the SENCO? The coke bottle effect signifies unmet needs at school.

Does DS have an EHCP? If not, you should request an EHCNA. If he does already have one, you need an early review.

That's grim but not unusual, sadly.

Is he on meds for ADHD and therefore under the care of a consultant paedatrician? If so, I'd phone the secretary and ask for a phone call or a full ADHD review, explain what's happening at school, and requesting a letter for the SENDCO explaining his diagnoses and needs (you could use it for the EHCP too, although the LA should contact health themselves).

The last thing you need is ignorant judgement from the hard of thinking at school, when life with a SEND child is already quite challenging enough.

Thank you both so much for your replies, it is really appreciated.

We had a new SENCO a while ago and I met with her last term. She put the interventions etc into place.

He doesn’t have an EHCP as his school ‘don’t believe in them’. They think they can support without. Ironically they are having to cut the support staff as they are in a deficit.

I don’t think he will get an EHCP as school will say there are no problems.

His ADHD isn’t medicated however we are still under the paediatrician

Thanks again

I'd definitely try and get an appointment to discuss with the Paed.

This attitude to the law is really concerning. Are you in the independent sector?

The SEND Code of Practice (2015) explains to schools (and parents and LAs) how the law should be applied. I'd recommend making your way through this (there is also an easy read version if you want to get the bones of it at speed).

You'll see that you don't need the school's support to apply for an EHCP. (Also see IPSEA's website for helpful resource).

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7dcb85ed915d2ac884d995/SEND_Code_of_Practice_January_2015.pdf

@FleurdeLiane it is really concerning. There are children with more significant need than my son who have been put off from applying for an EHCP. We are a mainstream primary.

I will have a look through that, thank you again

@Holly221288
Just wanted to offer my sympathy. I didn’t know my DD was Autistic when she was in primary school (or that I was) and experienced the coke bottle effect on a near daily basis. The headteacher’s philosophy was that the school didn’t like children to have “labels”. It’s obviously a powerful philosophy when facing budget cuts.

What we found afterwards, with all the retropiphanies that occur once you discover what Autsism and being Autistic means, is that there were loads of other families (and ours was a one form a year Primary, so a tiny population) that were experiencing the same problems, families like yours who knew exactly what was going on at the time it was happening. Quite a few of them have got together and are in the process of starting a class action against the school.

I cannot imagine you are alone, Holly, there must be other children who’s needs are inconveniencing the school and the teachers’ personal philosophies and being ignored, dismissed, and worst of all (as you’ve found) gaslighted.
I’m just so relieved that you understand that you’re receiving the brunt of your child’s distress because you are the one who he feels safe with.
Speaking as a parent who was clueless about Autism and the coke bottle phenomenon, it took me less than a week to pick up on the term and understand it once I was pointed to ASD. It must be very hard to overturn this potentially lethal “no label” philosophy in a culture that nurtures and supports it.

Request an EHCNA yourself using the model letter on IPSEA’s website. You can get an EHCP for DC whose needs aren’t recognised by the school. There are problems at school, the school just isn’t seeing them for what they are.

Request another meeting with the SENCO. Follow up all verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence. The school must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN.

If they actually used the phrase 'paddies', let's hope there aren't any Irish kids in school.

That's so interesting about the class action @GreenAndSpringy. Is it focused on the Children and Families Act 2014 (as I hadn't thought that class actions for disability discrimination were possible under EA 2012 - but I could be wrong about that?).

It is outrageous to see the neurodiversity movement's emphasis on the exclusionary nature of society, (as opposed to treating individual differences as personal deficits or shameful pathologies), being turned against autistic people to deny their basic needs.

@FleurdeLiane I’ll be in contact with the mum arranging it later this week and will ask then. Am afraid I’m not directly involved, but very ready to provide whatever data and proof about our own experience that might be required.

We've had this. Literally "perhaps you should consider parenting more like I manage him in school Mrs Glusky".

He is in special school now.

You couldn't make it up...

I remember being told in no uncertain terms not to bother my GP with my concerns as DC was 'clearly normal'. Now, three major diagnoses later, medication, psychological interventions and substantial adjustments to the learning environment are just beginning to make a positive difference...

:feelingragesurge:

Sure, saying they will jump out of a window and going to the drawers with knifes/dangerous implements rather than go to school is ‘clearly normal’.

Must be blissful to be so obtuse.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you’ve been through it too.

I will do this, thank you for your advice. It’s really valued

Thank you for reaching out, it’s nice to not feel alone in this although I hate that others are going though it too. Thank goodness your DD has you fighting her corner

Yes her term (not something I/We obviously use in this house). She used it also when referring to her younger brothers behaviour when they were growing up as he always got his own way 🙈

Class action isn’t possible for some of the CAFA either.

Can you talk to the year 2 teacher to find out what she implemented in the classroom and ask for some (ideally all) of these measures to be used in his current classroom?

It sounds like he's behaving "better" in school because he's masking like mad but it's stressful for him and coming out at home. So no, it won't work at home because that stress has to go somewhere. (I know you probably know this!)

Whereas the measures that the Y2 teacher was using clearly reduced his stress level overall so there was less stress to come out elsewhere.

Our school senco tried to put us off applying, too. Dd is undiagnosed, and appeared "fine at school" so it was even tougher to prove she needed one (Explosive emotional disregulation at home, heightened sensory problems, uniform refusal which escalated to school avoidance). We applied for an EHCP ourselves, initially got rejected but prepared to take it to Tribunal. The LA overturned the decision before it went to Tribunal. She now has an EHCP.

Your DS is diagnosed so you will have plenty of evidence to supply to the LA if you apply yourself for one. If it gets rejected initially don't let that put you off pursuing further - it's the default LA position. Most are then accepted at Tribunal as the bar for a needs assessment is low ("has or may have SEN").

Dd has an amazing Y2 teacher which has made such a difference - it's incredible what difference a great teacher makes. But you can at least ensure support for your son is consistent from year to year with an EHCP.

has or may have SEN

^this is only the first part of the test. The second part is may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP.

Still a pretty low bar, though.

Yes, but parents need to be aware of the law, especially because LAs are more likely to dispute the second part of the legal test than the first.

I have to say that I am truly disgusted at the treatment the staff from his school have shown you, as another commented its gaslighting and who is going to know how your DS interprets all of this? Are they increasing the potential meltdowns by him being witness to this or are they so unprofessional and undiplomatic that this barbaric stereotyping is verbally broadcast with your DS present? I wish I could help more but from experiences I’ve found that contact.org may give you some useful advice and I found them to be more than helpful when I just emailed a basic question and explained how I felt; the response was clearly complex tovshow they addressed every worry of mine and withvthoose empathic acknowledgements alone the feeling of slmeone understanding was overwhelming. They also advised on each worry and provided me with links and numbers to ring or to chat to their advisors or utilise the enquiry again. Just having it in a consise logical format helped me also. I feel that we (the carers, parents) may never truly understand the minds of our children that need support but that we strive to understand and do what we can with our unconditional love.
Whilst school is for education it is also building blocks for all children in how interpersonal relationships grow with own development and a compassionate teaching staff to promote this wellbeing. Contact.org will definitely know where to signpost you to as this school should not be operating like this!
My son attends main stream primary with ASD and the early years staff are so involved and helpful and they completed his needs assessment and utilised the professional staff from speech and language to carry out a few assessments off site and my full support. Without that I don’t know if he might have gone through school undiagnosed as my DS and DD father died suddenly in 2021 so because of the bereavement and our grief I didn’t appreciate how his development is different to his sisters etc.
Please try the site for help and I wish you every success. No one, NO ONE knows your child better than YOU. ❤️☺️

Suggest to the SENCO that that teacher is sent on courses on autism and masking.

If the school really has no EHCPs, check out which governor is responsible for SEN and ask if they really think that is satisfactory. There is simply no chance that there is no child in the school who needs one, so they are failing far too many children.