Dads communicating with Autistic sons...

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I am endlessly frustrated & upset at what I see as my DH lack of flexibility when communicating with and dealing with our son. He's autistic, possibly PDA profile and ADHD (still under assessment). This morning he offered him an egg with bacon. He cooked it 'wrong' according to DS who was upset, and started by saying 'that's not the way I wanted it'. Cue DH asking 'why not, this is lovely, you do like eggs like this...' and trying to coax him to accept the egg as he had cooked it. Son (who repeatedly cries that his dad doesn't listen to him) got more and more upset and angry. And DH starts saying things like 'well, how did I know that's not what you wanted'..blah blah. Ended up telling him he wasn't get X now (from an earlier conversation where DS had asked for something & thought he might be getting it'). Son states he's not going to eat ow. Then storms into me, crying that his dad never listens. I asked him what way he wanted his egg cooked, went out to cook the egg the 'right' way and DH was cooking the egg the way DS wanted it, but hadn't said to DS that he was.
I feel there is an ongoing issue with DH being inflexible and not trying to communicate with DS on his level/within his capabilities and recognise the issue. That he's the adult and essentially what we want is a happy healthy child who eats, does not get upset and have tantrums when possible and he tries to meet DS where he's at. DS feels this keenly and has cried to me after rows before that DH never listens to him. He also gets very angry with him.
Obviously there are times when DS goes past his boundaries and inevitably there are times he needs to be told no, hold the boundaries. But I feel like I'm trying to navigate this diagnosis on my own, learn as much as I can to ensure that we raise DS & attends to his needs as best we can and teach him about healthy relationships and communication. I feel that I have turned myself inside out to facilitate DS needs and I feel that DH is as inflexible as DS, and refuses to compromise or try. And he's always dragging his heels while I'm trying to cajole him along and be peacekeeper. He refuses to ever acknowledge his part in arguments, it's always the other person's fault.
I'm so heartbroken, I can see their relationship becoming toxic and am gutted.
How do your DH manage with Autistic/PDA/ADHD kids. Do you feel like piggy in the middle? Am emotionally shattered.

Do you think your dh might be autistic too? I’m thinking about the rigidity and not seeing other people’s point of view etc. Otherwise it’s usually indicative of how people were raised themselves.

I can relate to this feeling at times, dh is naturally quite defensive. I think sometimes he expects too much from ds, that he forgets he has an adults perspective and ds doesn’t, however it’s not quite as bad as you relate here.

I don’t think you say how old ds is. Have you been on any parenting classes or had any CAMHS involvement? Sometimes hearing it from a third party, rather than you, can help. Can you look into this?

Sympathies though, it can’t be easy.

You have described a scene that could easily have happened in my home!

In our case, DP is frequently ‘joke-y’ with DS, which DS interprets as DP trying to get one up on him, and reacts accordingly. Or possibly he misunderstands the jokes as serious and is confused/annoyed. Feels like living with 2 kids.

The only thing I’ve found helps is to do the majority of the parenting myself. DS is 13 now and his mealtimes are far easier if they happen before DP gets home from work. I do let DP manage breakfast/mornings and try and stay out of the way - that way there is only one parent for DS to fall out with. Mornings are much easier since DS started secondary school because he likes to get there early and so is motivated to get ready.

Interestingly, most of the men in DP’s wider family do this jokey thing when they are dealing with kids and I was parented almost entirely by my mother - my parents were together but my (probably autistic) father was either physically (at work) or emotionally absent. Patterns repeat themselves.

Frustrating though!