How to know what is 'typical' behaviour for a child's age?

[VioletDisco]

Just that really! I have some concerns about my DD (6) behaviour but I'm struggling to understand whether it's typical for a child of her age or not? Is there a reliable website/resource I can look at to give some idea?

I hope no one minds me posting here - I'm starting to question whether she may be ND but don't want to be making a mountain out of a molehill if it's just a 6 year old / personality thing.

TIA

I'd be interested too if anyone has any advice! I have the same thoughts about my 3 year old

It’s quite difficult as it’s subjective and there’s such a wide range of normal. Have school raised anything?

If you think she might be behind her peers, the early learning goals by category/EYFS ages and stages might give some indication of whether dc is behind in particular areas and by how much - you look at what they’re doing and where that places them.

https://www.allenbyprimaryschool.com/ealing/primary/allenby/arenas/websitecontent/web/development-mattersforeyfs.pdf

The other thing you can look at is an online screening for female presentations of autism & adhd to see how many boxes dd ticks. There are plenty of these online.

I agree with the PP that there are so many different resources which will say different things about what’s normal it’s hard to be able to tell that way.

Mother’s intuition is really important. I think I knew my autistic son was different from when he was tiny even though he was only diagnosed at 5.

In terms of how to benchmark I’d try and watch their peers. Go to do as many social things as you can. Parties, groups etc. Watch how the other kids interact and watch your kid. Talk to the other parents and get a sense for what their kids are like and you’ll get a sense of if your kid is sort of in line with their cohort or if anything stands out.

My son doesn’t present ‘classically’ with autism so it would have been hard to pick up from books as he hit all his milestones on time. But I noticed as he got older, he wouldn’t hang out in groups of kids, was always on his own agenda. I watched how my friends with kids could give their 4 year olds instructions and the kids could follow them, like they could ask their small child to pick something up and the kid could follow what they were asked to do but my son if i asked him to pick something up would run away and hide, like that comparison was stark, he was super bright but couldn’t follow any instruction ever.

I noticed the other kids interacted differently, could have a two way conversation. That they had friendships independent of their parents. Realised other kids grew out of toddler tantrums at 2 and my 5 year old would still have them over the wrong colour spoon. Stuff like that x

oh and also have open dialogue with schools, nurseries. These professionals see hundreds of kids so get a spidey sense of if something is different.

Also, depending what the concerns are exactly, specialised organisation sometimes have fact sheets etc - e.g.: the NSPCC has info on what kinds of sexualised behaviour are age-appropriate (like: 'commenting on own body parts, age 3') and therefore which others would be a cause for concern.

If you're wondering about autism, have a look at these links:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/children/
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autistic-women-and-girls
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/diagnosing-pda-children/

You could ask her teacher if she has any concerns, but many autistic children (girls in particular) are expert maskers, so it might not be evident in school.

Hey all

Thanks for all of the replies, really appreciate everyone taking the time.

My main concerns are around her ability to regulate her emotions (frequent angry outbursts in particular), some issues with listening/being easily distracted and around her social skills.

I've spoken to school and unsurprisingly no concerns at all but now we've flagged it they are going to do some work with her on emotional regulation and see how that goes.

The idea of trying to see how she is compared to her peers is a helpful one. I mean, I kind of do that anyway (seeing her at parties is what prompted my worry over how she copes socially) but I like the suggestion of watching more closely/ having a chat with some of the parents I'm friendly with.

She's so different to her big sister and it's so difficult to know if the things we are seeing are just her personality / some underlying anxiety / covid impact / some type of neurodiversity.

I'm really grateful for everyone taking the time to comment, you've been so helpful.

Oh the wrong spoon comment. We frequently have tantrums because, for example, she was given a sandwich with sliced cheese and she wanted grated cheese (but didn't tell anyone this)

It’s not about the cheese, it’s about all the other things up to that point.