At wits end with nursery refusal

[butterfield9]

DD 3.5 with ASD/Speech delay.

She has pretty much always been one to cry at drop off bar the occasional few weeks where she doesnt.

Since Christmas break, every single morning is nothing short of a nightmare. As soon as I start getting ready or she sees her clothes she starts crying and insisting I sit down.

As soon as its time to leave for the bus stop she has an absolute meltdown. Screaming at the top of her lungs, her face comes out in a massive red rash and she will end up vomiting. Shes not a small child (in the 90s percetile for height and weight) and I cannot physically carry her when shes kicking and screaming and fighting to get off me. Last week she literally grabbed and squeezed my neck in anger. She i snormally a very gentle, affectionate child not prone to meltdown, so its really jarring behaviour.

Once she is at nursery, shes absolutely fine. So I am not wholly convinced its a nursery problem.

We have a visual timetable, an absolutely solid routine and she has positive time warnings,

DH and I have missed so many days at work because some days its just impossible to get her in.

What would you do here?

Strap in buggy...i know might sound harsh but you just have to take her there... or put some music or make it a outdoor game, look at some printables online u can play something different everytime. Give a snack..a juice..anything she loves..so she starts slowly associating going out with something fun. Mine was hard to get out of the house aswell so i understand you. And like yours wasnt a small child - tall and strong, used to splat on the floor i cant move him...scream like I'mkilling him.. . But perfectly fine once out... so just have to force them somehow or make it fun. I tried both, but its less stressing to make it fun, youre not gonna be fuming. We were looking for bugs or blowing soap balloons , once we saw a mushroom so then that was always fun.. birds cats dogs etc.. if she likes stuff like this . Give her an umbrella, a kite, wear funny shoes... x

What is DD like leaving the house at other times? Can DD communicate what it is she finds difficult/doesn’t like about going to nursery?

What support is the nursery providing? Are you sure DD is ‘fine’ when there? Many nurseries/schools say this when DC is anything but ‘fine’. Has an EHCNA been requested?

Would going by car or taxi be an option? Would DD find a buggy easier?

If we are very clear about where we are going, she is fine to leave the house, so we went swimming yesterday without an issue. She did react quite strongly the week before about leaving the house to go to the park but once she was out, she was fine.

Nursery are great with some things, not with others. They have this idea about giving her some special fabric where its her responsibility to bring back to them but I dont think she would fully understand/care. They can anticipate activities that she will not like and offer a quieter alternative. When we see her at pick up she always looks calm and happy. Nursery have applied for inclusion funding and we will be applying for an EHCA.

My sister is coming down next week to see if DD is any better going via car. ATM I am not sure if I could even get her in a taxi tbh and I worry the cost of the clean up of vomit if she kicks off.....

When you drop off do you drop off at the same time as everyone else? If so, try 5/10 mins early or late and a quieter entrance if there is one.
Does the nursery have the same key worker meeting DD every morning?
And have the same task/activity DD can transition to each day?

Sometimes a transition object like the nursery suggested does work, especially when it is separation anxiety. Often the other way round, so you would give DD something small/or a small heart drawn on her hand. However, DD doesn’t sound like she has the understanding for that.

Its a private nursery so there is no 'Start time' so we cannot gurantee who else will be at the door (For drop off you do not enter the building, they come to the door and take the children in to prevent disruption in the room). We now call her keyworker when we are a minute away so can meet us at the door so theres no waiting around or risk of more (noisy) children turning up.

She has started taking in her favourite teddy again which helps. I will try the transition option they suggested!

Thats a good idea about the transition activity, I will ask them if there is something they can do that we can talk about in advance e.g Time to read a book with Charley!'

I had this for a LONG time 😭 looking back now that nursery did not suit his needs. The fact that they don't go in happy is a way they are communicating it's not fine.

Is she cold? Is her session too long for her? Does she like the food that being served?

I should have changed to a different nursery or a childminder. Less children and less noise. Given how many children they have in a tiny area. Plus cold season so not so much outside play.

I would look at other nurseries/ childminders to see if you can find a smaller setting / less children

Good luck not easy

Thank you. I am really on the fence with it tbh! I dont think a CM would work because shes super noise sensitive to babies/small toddlers so being in a room with them wouldnt be great and many of them here seem to take the kids out daily to different places and I dont think the lack of routine would help her. She absolutely cannot stand softplay for example. She would be forced to just go with the flow of a CM where as at nursery they can offer her quiet alternatives.

I have considered a smaller setting but I guess I am worried about uprooting her if its not the root of the issue? She has formed good bonds there, she loves and gets excited when she watches her videos and pictures they send, plenty of smiley pics and videos of her playing. Am torn! So scared of making a mistake and wish she could just TELL me.....

Do you have a specialist nursery locally?

What is DD’s sleep like? When DD is OK leaving the house for some other things is it later in the day?

Just so you are aware, smiling and playing doesn’t mean DD isn’t masking.