2 yr old has SN and struggling with husbands reaction

[BetteP]

My daughter just had her 27 month appt with HV and has been referred to developmental services for further assessment. HV said she will need “ongoing support”. This is no surprise, she is non verbal and has very little engagement with the world around her (but obviously thrives in many other ways)
Since she was around 8 months, I knew something was going on, expressed my views, and was shut down by pretty much everyone. I can be anxious, so my husband was quite dismissive, told me I was overthinking, she’s fine etc. Now, he’s acting utterly devastated. He actually said “his world’s fallen apart” He’s on the phone telling people the “bad news” but will barely speak to me and is shutting me out. I’m trying to find the positives, and stay present for my baby. I can completely understand that it is hard to take in, but I feel so angry that he treating it like this. I also feel resentment that when I knew something was up, I was just being “over the top” so I was left to feel sad and scared alone. I actually feel lighter knowing that help will be there for us ( I should say I’m a sahm and he works away a lot)
I know I may sound cold or horrible, I love him and want to help him, but I just feel alone and not listened to, so please don’t judge harshly. I wondered if anyone had similar experiences upon being told this sort of thing.

Would DH be open to the idea of counselling?

Unfortunately, it isn’t uncommon for fathers to be in denial to begin with.

I think you’re absolutely right about denial. I actually feel bad for feeling so angry initially, I guess it’s just a question of processing.
I’m not convinced he’d want to, but I think counselling would be a really good idea.

You don’t need to feel bad.

If DD is put on a diagnostic pathway, Scope offer mentoring to parents.

Hi Op, I fully understand your frustrations and why you are feeling resentful towards him, especially as you’ve had some concerns for some time now. The main thing is that your Hv is pushing for a referral and your DD will get the support she needs to thrive. My husband was in denial for a good 12 months after our HV said DS (non verbal, no eye contact, no social interaction) needed additional support at his two year check. DH kept saying “he’ll catch up, it’ll be fine”. I remember when we received a letter to say DS was on the peadatric waiting list and DH basically scoffed at the idea he needed help. The turning point was when we had moved DS to a new nursery and they were really proactive with getting him 1:1 funding. Since then it was like a switch went and DH is fully on board with what we need to do to help and advocate for DS, we take in turns attended IEP/TAM meetings and he is brilliant at using PECs cards with DS.

Do not feel bad for feeling angry, it’s totally normal and being on this SEN journey is a rollercoaster of emotions. The best thing for your DD is for you and your husband is to be a united front.

Sounds very much like my DH. DD was non-verbal until 3. It took her to be in double figure before DH also began to realise that she might need support. It didn't help that she was so bloody good at masking at Nursery and School.