Autism or parenting?

[Ilovechristmas1992]

Hi, has anybody had experience of being around people who are pushing for autism diagnosis of a child, but it could just be their parenting? SIL has a little boy just turned 2, and a newborn. She doesn’t come across as particularly maternal, and seems to want more children just to avoid working. The oldest boy has been hitting and biting other children since he was walking about 1yo. It’s gotten worse and it’s almost every week that he’s biting someone at nursery. He’s only there one day a week! Other times he’s usually at home so he doesn’t see many other children. She won’t take him
anywhere as she’s worried about his behaviour, but he’s never been taken anywhere even when he was tiny. Occasionally we’ll have a special event whereby his cousins are there but he just terrorises them all, it’s like he’s so excited to be around kids that he just bites and hits. I don’t have an issue with him as a child obviously but when this happens he just gets shouted at, no gentle parenting or talking to like a human being. They (His mum and dad) also tend to not really socialise with the rest of us while we’re together so he’s clearly desperate for their attention too when playing, made worse by the fact the new baby is a chilled little thing who’s obviously new and needs mummy a bit more. Now they’re apparently speaking to health visitors and want a diagnosis as they don’t seem to think it can be anything but that. It breaks my heart to watch him just be labelled naughty all the time, and for him to continually ask them to come outside and be with him and they just refuse. It’s got to the point where his cousins don’t want to be around him as they’re scared of him biting them. PIL also think he’s ’got to be autistic’ but I just think some more attention might actually benefit him first! I fear a diagnosis- if he actually is- will give them free reign to just dismiss him to everyone eg ‘he’s autistic’ as an excuse as to why he’s hit or bit another child and that they won’t think to change anything they’re doing. He’s a cute little kid, I don’t want to see him just written off before he’s even 3. Its really hard not to judge but all I want them to do is give him a cuddle and kiss now and again rather than just shouting or rolling eyes about him😔

You are being judgemental. You see a small snippet of their life. Have you ever considered SIL doesn’t take DS to typical busy places because he can’t cope? A diagnosis isn’t an excuse or a child being written off. It can bring understanding.

It's good you're concerned and you sound like a caring aunt. But he won't get diagnosed if he isn't autistic and far from 'labelling' him as 'naughty' it might give the people around him the tools to help him better.

@KeepGoingThomas of course I’ve considered it. It’s not that I have a problem with children being diagnosed, far from it- I’m concerned that if he is then they’ll write him off as autistic and that’s it, and not use the tools available to help him develop as much as he can. She says quite openly that she doesn’t take him anywhere as she can’t cope with him, not that he can’t cope. Just sounds a bit of a selfish reason that’s all. Thanks for your replies.

Both can be true at the same time. SIL might not cope taking DN to places because DN doesn’t cope (whether you see that or not). SIL needs support, not to be judged and deemed selfish. For example, has anyone asked Home Start if they can support SIL?

Even when they are diagnosed, you still have to use tools to help them develop. They don’t automatically get diagnosed and you leave them to plod along. Unfortunately you need so many more tools, I get that you don’t want to label him but sometimes labelling a child is better then the child being singled out as naughty all of the time and being misunderstood. As an adult who is receiving a late diagnosis it was awful growing up being misunderstood as being moody and emotionally detached as well as being labelled naughty all of the time. Sadly these labels weren’t spoke about nearly 40 years ago.

I used to be naive and panic about my baby when he was showing signs like this, I was in Denial, I thought i could ' parent ' it out of him. I took him out ALL the time, we were in the children's centres most days in the week, he went to all the classes, and while being around all the other children it was obvious he was different. So if the baby you're talking about is actually autistic, socialising won't really help, if anything more signs will show up, through my experience anyway. People have told me so many times ' he's gotta get used to it' and it just didn't happen. Things have gotten better now but the whole of nursery was awful there was no 'getting used' to that

Health visitors ect will pick up on it anyway, they were the one who referred my baby at 18 months even though I didn't want him to be 'labelled' because of the same view you have. And I definitely agree with comments saying maybe they don't want to take him out due to anxiety. If anything I'd speak to professionals involved and ask them to tell you their professional opinion.

If anything I'd speak to professionals involved and ask them to tell you their professional opinion.

This would be overstepping and any professional who spoke to the OP about DN would be breaching confidentiality.

HVs don’t always spot the signs either.

It sounds as they are possibly overwhelmed.

Do you ever offer to look after him for a while so that they can concentrate on the new LO and give him some one to one time with you? My DD who is on the Pathway loves her DA and they've both been out for the day together today.