Child too good (apparently!)

[brenda26]

Hi, just looking some advice. My DS is 4 and is in nursery. He has an expressive language delay but his understanding is good. He also has glue ear from he was ababy and waiting on grommets to be replaced. He has also been diagnosed with ASD and has a 1-2-1 at nursery. He has no behaviour problems, sleeps well, no stimming or repetition, eye contact good with people he knows but not good at all with strangers. His main issues are social and communication (probably not helped with hearing issues). Nursery have said his problem is that he is actually too good, he is too quiet. He also requires constant direction to move from one activity to another. They feel that he could get lost in the classroom because he is so well behaved and quiet and therefore may not get the attention he needs to push him on and he won't speak out. He will just be forgot about as he makes no fuss. They say he is bright, he can count, knows his alphabet, loves listening to stories, has good imaginative play. Has excellent focus when it's something he is in interested in. But needs constant direction, particulary needing told what to do and move onto another task. Has anyone any experience of similar, what can I do to help him. I'm worrying constantly about him starting primary school. I'm happy to try anything? Supplements, alternative therapies, anything that may have worked. He is getting regular speech therapy and his speech is coming along but he is still very quiet and non communicative in his nursery setting and they say he will continue to require constant direction at primary school. Any advice will be appreciated.

Does DS have an EHCP? If not, you should request an EHCNA ASAP because long term 1:1 in school is unlikely without an EHCP.

When you say DS is getting regular SALT, is he having weekly therapy delivered directly by the SALT? Has DS had an OT assessment and has he ever had play therapy (or similar)?

Hi, thank you for getting back to me. He has a statement and got his 1to1 through that for nursery. We are paying privately for fortnightly SALT and also he has received another block through the NHS which will probably end again soon but he will continue his private for as long as he needs it. Speech therapy is quite playbased and his joint attention one on one and listening skills are very good. He can follow instructions. I did get a few OT sessions privately but once NHS speech started again I couldn't ask for anymore time out of work. Also have tried primative reflex therapy but not sure it is helping much, it's difficult to get him to do the exercises. Really trying to get him as much help as possible. I spend a lot of time getting into my car after dropping him off crying before I go to work as I worry so much about how life will be for him. He is bright, funny, kind and so loving but just when goes into playschool he seems to shut down from what they say and won't do very much without direction. He has never had play therapy, not even sure what it is lol! Have seen a music therapy class advertised close to where we live, not sure if that would help. I've sent him to different after school activities such as preschool yoga class and Saturday morning soccer and he has participated and enjoyed both. We do have a very good mainstream that I am hoping he can attend. But I really need to get him as much help now as I can. Was also thinking about listening therapy? Just not sure and it's really getting me down, I know I should be taking it one day at a time and I know the glue ear could be impacting but still. Any advice very gratefully appreciated.

SALT should be in DS’s statement. You don’t need to fund it privately. Same for OT, play therapy (which can help with interaction and emotional regulation. Also if DS is anxious at all) and music therapy (which some find helpful).

Have you seen an audiologist to assess his hearing levels? or offered temporarily hearing aids
look at the national children’s deaf society online you would be surprised how much glue ear can affect a child’s hearing and behaviour

My child has hearing aids and has had glue ear on and off for his whole life and I can see a change in his behaviour when he has glue ear

@4naanjeremythank you, I know myself that when the winter comes his glue ear gets considerably worse. He coughs all night and his nose constantly runs. So they are talking about removing his adenoids this time round as well. Can I ask how your childs behaviour is affected? From what I gather, my son seems to need constant direction to move around the room and from one activity to another. It's like he shuts down when he goes into this setting as he is not like this at all at home. We queued last night for an hour (no joke) to see santa outside in the cold and he chatted away to everyone around him. Was able to move from different fairground attractions with no problem where I saw other wee ones completely not coping with moving from the attractions. So it is such a shock to be told that he is so different in nursery, they said to me that he may require special school or if not one-to-one to be constantly with him in MS. They said everything is in there but it's just getting him to bring it out. He is a quiet child anyway, all my children were shy and quite introverted but with glue ear I feel this makes it if even harder for him. But not sure from what they are saying if it is glue ear or if is the sign of another issue. Thanks again

Hi @BlueBrick SALT is in his statement but not really quantified. The SALT came into his nursery and has given them work to do with him and also with us at home. Going to contact Music Therapist today and have a chat to see if they think it could help him. I would like to get him as much help now before he starts primary to see what may work best so any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. Nursery kept going on about the fact his behaviour is so good would be the reason he wouldn't get much assistance in school, but that he knows everything but it's just getting it out of him. I'm not sure if it is overwhelm when he goes into nursery as it is very loud and busy. But can imagine school will be similar. Just not sure what I can do to help him. I've found our nursery very negative, we are never told what our child can do, it's always what they can't do, something our SALT also said they found with the staff. x

I would say he is more silly and sensory seeking and he also has violent and challenging behaviour so the opposite of your son.
He will ask for subtitles on the tv and will be unresponsive to instructions unless you are directly in his eye level so he can lip read and you give him processing time to answer a question or respond to a request.
I would suspect your son is good a lip reading as well and your allowing him enough time to respond to your requests and answer question.
It sounds like the nursery aren’t consistently making sure they are getting down to his eye level and making sure he has heard/understood what they are asking him.
Do they have a now and next board to show him what is happening next rather than just telling him.
It also sounds aswell that the classroom background noise is probably massively affecting him considering how different he is at home.
My son is awaiting asd assessment and now goes to a special school reading all your replies it sounds like the asd and sensory overwhelm is probably the main cause of him struggling with classroom translations and the glue ear isn’t helping.
I would also if you feel up to visit special needs schools/units in your area just in case he does struggle at school you know what your options are later down the line as you sound very proactive 🙂

@4naanjeremy Thank you again. It's so difficult to think of them struggling. It breaks my heart to think of my happy, affectionate child just go into shutdown once he goes through the doors of the nursery. Yes I asked them to use visuals once I knew the glue ear was back but they said it's not making much difference. I agree, it probably is sensory overload that is causing the shutdown rather than glue ear, he is definitely an avoider rather than a seeker!! Our local primary is pretty supportive and I know of several SEN children who have moved to it from another local school. However, it probably can do no harm to look at what other options we have. I really believe he has so many positives going for him that it's only right that try to help him as much as I can with anything he struggles with.

The statement needs reviewing and amending, even if that means you have to appeal when you next have the right of appeal. Direct SALT provision needs to be watertight in there.

A sensory OT assessment will help if you think DS is overwhelmed by the sensory environment.

@BlueBrick Thank you for that, the principal of the primary school I intend to send DS to has asked to see the statement so she ensure it is good enough for primary so I ask that SALT is directly provided. I emailed the music therapist yesterday so going to give it a go in the new year and hopefully it may also help him. At the moment his main struggles are speech and needing constant direction to move from one task to another. Apart from visuals which they say in the nursery are not working is there anything else I could as them to try??

Don’t rely on the school giving you sufficient advice about the Statement. Does the statement detail, specify and quantify 1:1? Sounds like that is going to be needed.

Does the nursery talk through the plan for the day with DS? As well as visuals as in a visual timetable, depending on DS’s understanding, do they use a countdown clock/sand timer type thing so DS can see the run up to transitions. Have they actually looked at what tasks are the hardest? Some settings assume it is the transition that is the problem when the child is using the activity they are reluctant to move on from to self regulate or the tasks they are trying to move DC on to are harder for the child for an unrelated reason e.g. poor motor skills, communication difficulties, sensory difficulties.

@BlueBrick Thank you again. We are arranging a meeting with the nursery to find out what exactly they are doing and what all his issues are. Definitely will make a note of your suggestions as they do make total sense and I agree it may be easier transitioning him to an activity he enjoys than forcing him to participate in something that is difficult for him. In your experience is this something that can be helped and improved with in time? Do children at this stage who have difficulty transitioning have a lot of difficulty throughout school or with one-to-one help this can be worked on. As I mentioned before he is bright, knows his letters and numbers, can do simple maths, has a good memory. But just appears to get overwhelmed in the busy nursery. Again know it's not the total reason but his ears could have something to do with it?

Hearing difficulties could be contributing to DS becoming overwhelmed.

DC’s needs can change as they get older. DS’s struggles now won’t necessarily be the same things he finds difficult in 2/5/10 years' time. You learn what works for them and, importantly, what doesn’t. As hard as it is not to worry.

Some DC who struggle in nursery find school easier. For example, as they get older, the classroom generally becomes more structured and some find this easier than the free flow busier provision in early years. Conversely, some who get on OK at nursery fall apart as they get older because they can’t cope with the increased structure.

@BlueBrick Genuinely, thank you. I'm having pretty bad day and to be honest, your last message has meant a lot. I'm just a stranger on the internet that you have taken the time out of your day to reply to (several times!), you might not even think that it makes a difference but I see your wisdom on so many posts and I really appreciate what you do. I hope sometime in the future I can share whatever knowledge I attain over this journey and please God, give someone else hope. Sending you lots of good wishes. xo

@brenda26
If your son has a statement the education authority should be consulting directly with primary schools. Have you had an annual review to discuss primary and support he is likely to need?

You are welcome.

@squeekychicken Hiya, this is all new to me so I don't know anything about the application to primary schools with a statement. When should the consultation be taking place? We haven't had an annual review yet. He only got his statement in June. Thanks for your help

An early review will need to be held.