Another mum called my son "weirdo"

[Authentic2020]

My son is 4.5 years old and I strongly suspect he is neurodivergent.
He is stimming, sensitive to noise and has quite extreme and frequent emotional outbursts among some other red flags.

His HV visited today and we discussed our concerns. While she acknowledged them she didn't think he will meet criteria for a referral to the specialist. She is going to observe him in a nursery setting.

I know this Mum since our children were babies. We have a common circle of 'mums friends' we socialise with and meet up for playdates.
I told her about the HV and my concerns. While discussing it she interjected well "he is a weirdo". While I think she wanted to make it sound lightly I was quite taken aback.
I feel upset she labelled my son and I am now wondering what she tells other mums behind my back.
She is usually quite lovely and pleasant person but can be quite gossipy.

Right now I don't really feel like I want to socialise with her anymore which is difficult when you have a common circle of friends.

Am I right to be upset? I can't work out her intentions and feel confused and upset.

otherwise nice kind woman you like - thoughtless but i wouldn’t cut myself off.

I would instead gently raise it with her and say you were hurt by the comment. I am sure she will apologise

although fact you are immediately worried about her gossiping about your son to other mums - perhaps she isn’t all that kind

I would distance yourself. You shouldn’t have to, but I would limit what you tell others who don’t have experience of SEN. Have a look for a SEN group locally.

I would also be pushing for a referral even if the HV is reluctant. In some areas, you can self refer. If you can’t speak to your GP.

It sounds to me like she was trying to make you feel better, but handled it very clumsily. I have friends who try to tell me that DS can't possibly be ND, that professionals are too quick to diagnose, and I shouldn't worry because "everyone is on the spectrum". 🙄 I know that they are trying to make me feel better, but the only honest, open and non-judgemental conversations I have with other parents tends to be with those who understand what it is like to have a ND child.

If you've known each other for 4.5 years and have a common circle of friends, perhaps it is worth saying something. If it were me, I'd say something like, "I'm sorry if I'm being oversensitive, but I was quite upset when you called DC a weirdo. Do you really think that he is?". I bet she will be mortified, apologise and you will feel better knowing that's not how she intended her throwaway comment to be received. Or she's not a friend and you can confidently drop her.

Thank you for all your replies.

It is my plan to find a local SEN group and push for a referral. I am hoping that the nursery's feedback will be knowledgeable and thorough.

It's possible that her intention was to make things sound less serious but it was very awkward. My partner thinks I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I am sitting on the fence whether I should bring it up with her.
It could clear the air but at the same time, I don't want to blow things out of proportion. She could potentially share it with someone else and I wouldn't like that to happen.

I would find this a really offensive term to use. I've heard my kids use it about others and it is shut down straight away. But sometimes words have different meanings in different social groups, maybe thats a word she throws around with her pals meaning someone who is a bit different but in a non offensive way? I don't know, i'm trying to justify why on earth she would say it to you. I remember a stranger admiring my baby and saying he looks like a slob, and I was so taken aback, it is such an insult. Then not long after I heard my friend saying it about another child, but she told me it meant like a laid back easy going personality. News to me!

@Authentic2020

I wouldn't like this either even if it was said in in half jokey way too,

on the otherhand if she said he was on quirky side,
I would be OK about,
No problem,

I do get how socially arkward it is to be in this bit of predicament with both of you in the same social circles mixing,

I think 🤔 i would point it our to her that her saying your son is a weirdo is definitely not helpful and is a bit of nasty thing to say too

Is she really that much of a friend that you thought she was before,?

Distance from her by not being sociable with her when you see her in the group,
talk and connect with everyone else bar her,

she will sooner or later pick up something is a bit off the way you are like to her,

Maybe she meant he was quirky? And phrased it incredibly poorly