ds,4 suspect adhd, need strategies for dealing with extreme stroppiness, frustration, aggression, him!

[ernest]

Not sure where to post.

ds is 4. he is so highly strung and getting worse.

If I don't hear him or answer straight away he goes into meltdown. by this, I mean shouting, swearing, hitting, biting, (esp me & ds2, rarely ds1 or dh), stomping off to room, door slamming, name calling.

If he eg smacks my bum and I don't do a comedy 'ooh!' = meltdown.

If he can't do something, eg struggling to build bionicle, = meltdown.

If we don't have the breakfast cereal he wants,= meltdown

I often get really cross with him when he does this, as it's so bloody frustrating getting shouted at constantly. I can't always pay him 100% attention. I have 2 other sons, and in 11 weeks, will be having a new baby, so it's going to get worse.

He has got a lot on his plate, dh away all week at the moment, new sibling imminent, moving house soon. Lots of potential triggers for bad behavious. But ds2 recenlty dx with adhd and a lot of the behaviour similar (impulse control eg when he bites he himself looks shocked, which is just what we had with ds2 - he knew he shouldn't, just couldn't stop himself). He just gets so frustrated and angry at every little thing.

Spoken to doc who says they can't /won't test for adhd under age 5, but then they also won't test within 6 months olf major life event, eg moving house or new baby, so it's going to be at least a year till we can test for it.

In the meantime, adhd or not, I need strategies. If I go away from him calmly to another room this works well, and he calms down and is fine, ike nothing happened. But it's not often I can do this, eh in the middle of story time with brothers, or dinner.

If I put him in his room or just sternly tell him off and walk away, he is really really devastated, sobbing over and over 'I'm sorry mummy, I'm sorry mummy' until I go to him.

If I lose my temper or shout it's a really crap reaction from me and makes him worse, but often I do this.

I often wonder what I've done wrong and where it's going, that he's so bad with me and getting worse. But the other 2 have never, not once sworn at me or hit me. I feel really out of my depth with him.

He goes to cm 2 mornings a week and she says he's wonderful and very good there.

Help!

Hi ernest,

Try not to beat yourself up over this, it won't help. Losing your temper is called "being human" and a result of too much stress from caring so much.

You seem to already have some strategies that work for you. How about looking at doing more of those where you can.

It does sound to me like classic attention seeking, he is only 4 and maybe he does not want to share the mummy he loves.

I wonder if you could try giving him set times that are "his" times and then working in set times that are other children's times so that he starts to get the idea of sharing and that when you are talking to someone else it does not mean that you are not there for him.

HTH

Taliesintraction, thanks for that. good point about attention seeking, though he is with me a lot.

I will try with the attention thing, and also for his brothers too. He is just so provocative - the last couple of days has taken to saying 'f**k you' constantly to his brothers (in a strong swiss accent, more like fak yoow, so definitely not picked it up at home!) not that we talk to each othr like that of course! Well, except him.

I pointed someone else on here at Bill O'Hanlons book; "Try and make me"

It sets out an agenda for parents and carers who are in danger of losing control to re establish the boundaries and get back in control.

It might help you too.

It advocates a form of pindown though, which I would ignore.

The rest of it is really effective.

I sympathise. My 5 year old was very similar at 4 years. When he started school there was an improvement in his behaviour at home, but school werent impressed. They got the early years special needs team in and from what they said he was utterly charming on the day of their visit.

They highlighted things like delayed emotional regulation (i.e. he has tantrums when things dont go his way). They also noted he had some eccentricities in his behaviour, some of his social skills were lacking. But every week he was in school he improved little by little. The routine suits him, he doesnt get bored, he likes being amongst his peers and most importantly it tires him out.

The special needs lady suggested various strategies, but the most effective were stickers and rewards. Make them easy to earn at first then gradually tighten up. We still have bad days, or even weeks. He still may need to see someone about his behaviour again. Im sure its not all over.

What Im trying to say is you might see a change in him when he starts full time school, but if not, hopefully school will be on the ball with referrals. Good luck, I know how difficult it is. Hang on in there.

thanks. Just had horrific mornig with him. He went into toal melt down cos we didn't have any sugar puffs. I tried I don't know how many different strategies, some with a bit of success, but he kept coming back to the sugar puffs and getting totally distressed/ irate & angry again. Nearly every morning is horrific. He's definitely a lot worse before he's eaten, but if like this morning I can't get him to eat it just goes on and on.

I'm not just making excuses for him, but It's definitely beyond naughty. I agree he'll probably improve a lot once he starts full time school. Very unsure what that will mean for him or when, due to impending emigration to Germany. ie if we send him to German Kindergarten (half days) or English speaking International school (full days).

I def. need morning strategies, because getting his 2 brothers out of the door while he is inevitably kicking off is a NIGHTMARE. arrrggghhhhh

Sounds like my 4 year old - he started school in September and has calmed down.

Very stroppy, never know when he is going to kick off, totally loses it and then can't get himself back. Huge communication problems, his big brother doesn't let him get a word in edgeways. Wants to be like big brother and gets frustrated when he can't do something.

When he was 3/turned 4 if felt like I was always treading on egg shells.

Now he is a very sociable little boy, very resilient and mostly happy. Able to realise that breakfast cereal is not the most important issue that he will have to deal with that day

My little boy is not ADHD, just a very strong willed little munchkin who has to deal with an older brother who has I suspect has undiagnosed Aspergers.