New to this and utterly, utterly overwhelmed

[Usernameanonymous]

Hi there. I'm after advice, pointers, anything really. My DS - 5 has glue ear and a fluctuating hearing loss which can cause some difficulties. He doesn't wear hearing aids so the hearing loss isn't always visible.

It's becoming apparent at school that there's likely something additional at play, potentially autism - that said he's had a couple of play assessments for autism at nursery before the glue ear was picked up, but doesn't show (excuse wrong terminology) typical signs, no tiptoes, flapping or spinning stimming, no lining up of toys, and his speech caught up when he had his grommets so both assessors said no significant signs of autism. School suspect another childhood neurotype - SPD, or that he comes under the umbrella of highly sensitive. He's being put forward for another assessment and we're meeting with the SENCO again in a week or two.

I'm totally out of my depth, I'm reading everything I can trying to get my head around this, but I have literally no support. My husband just keeps on saying 'but he's so bright I don't want him removed from the classroom.' . My MIL who is a retired SENCO is adamant he's fine, just shy.

But I do drop off and pick up every day, and every day I hear, he won't settle to anything, not carpet time, activities, nothing except phonics. he gets really cross/ anxious/ upset. He hit out at children who were screaming. He hides if it's too noisy. He has ear defenders and wears them but they don't seem to help as much as we hoped and as his hearing is impaired don't help at all there.

I've walked out from drop off in tears twice in the last week, I just don't know what to do. 1-1 at home he's largely ok, but it's quiet and calm. He does have meltdowns at home but I can usually work through them with him. He's worse after school - really overwhelmed, and on Sunday afternoons. I know I just need to pull myself together but I just don't know what to do, how to approach this.

Any advice? Pointers? I'd be so grateful. And I'm so sorry if I've used the wrong words or phrases.

Being academically able is of little use if it is at the expense of DC’s MH. Forcing DS into a classroom when he is clearly overwhelmed without support will be harmful long term, his MH will suffer. So, you are right to listen to your concerns and pursue a referral for further assessment rather than listen to DH and MIL. DC can be bright but have SEN and need support. Have a look at the coke bottle effect. The overwhelm DS is experiencing after school is because of unmet needs at school. If school was easier for DS, home life is likely to improve too.

Support in school is based on needs rather than diagnosis, so what support is the school providing? Has the specialist teaching service/ToD been involved?

I'm guessing he is reception? It is very very early days and lots of kids struggle with the transition. He's probably shattered.

And/or he could be neurodivergent. If he is it will be okay.

You've identified noise as a big issue. That's brilliant - really - it's much harder when sensory things are less clear. Take a look at sensory diets and the Out of Sync child

It's also fantastic that school are on board and it's good news that he's kicking off. What you really don't want is a shy, compliant child who sits in class not learning anything or feeling more and more miserable. Your kid is advocating for himself as best he can and those are the kids that get help.

What 'help' actually means is complicated.

Different things work for different kids. I love Ross Greene's CPS model - which is basically about trying to work with kids to solve problems rather than imposing solutions. Others have had more luck with other approaches.

Has he had a SALT, OT or EP (speech and lang/occupational therapy/ed psych) assessment?

@BlueBrick is wise and right, but I'd add one caveat. Being academically able can help in that it can buy you time. Eg if a kid has got yr1 maths in reception then they can miss some of the maths lessons.