Neurodiverse DD No Friends

[Londonwing]

We are on the waiting list for a full assessment but all signs are pointing towards our 8 year old DD having autism or other neurodiverse condition. She is quite high functioning so very capable in regards to speech and self care but struggles to use a knife and fork (hand and eye coordination is poor), can't write very well (handwriting isn't legible) but is a voracious reader and loves art, particularly working with clay etc. We also have to deal with quite extreme emotional dysregulation but we are working through it and with ALOT of patience and the use of mood boards we are getting better at working through them when she breaks down emotionally.

Our current challenge is getting her to school as she finds it a lonely and difficult place. She is a very bright and imaginative child but is quite resolute in her play, she prefers to direct and struggles to find a middle ground. She talks about how all the kids at school 'think she's weird' (her words) and that she has no friends and noone to play with. She doesn't get invited to parties, no playdates, nothing. It's pretty heart breaking. She does 2 clubs outside of school which she enjoys but no friendships have formed there.

Any tips/advice from people on here whose children have experienced this? We can't make other kids play with her but are there any ways to help her be comfortable with this or to help her better engage with her peers? We are on a knife edge everyday trying to get her into school and it's getting worse. School have been ok but without the official assessment we are little bit on our own.

Thank you!

Look up the Double Empathy theory - often ND people gind it easier to socialise with other ND people.

Could you ask school to set up a whatsapp group for parents of SEN kids? Can be a good way to make contact.

Last but not least - it's ok to not always have friends.

Support is based on needs, not diagnosis, so the school should be supporting DD now. What support is the school providing? Do they use anything like Zones of Regulation? What support with friendship/social interaction and communication are they providing? Do they have a lunch club DD could join?

Does DD have any interests where she could join a club outside of school? Do you have any SEN sessions locally?

Has DD had an OT assessment? Does she use a laptop at school?

@SalmonWellington I haven't heard of Double Empathy Theory, thank you. she has in the past played with another ND child in her class but they can be prone to lashing out at people (not towards her) and she can find this a bit scary. Re. other parents that's useful as I think in our current school there's a few SEN kids but we all seem to keep it private for some reason.

Have tried to tell her she just hasn't met her people yet, but difficult to understand that when you are an 8 year old on the spectrum🙁.

@BlueBrick the school have been very slow to act. Because DD can come across as quite personable initially they have let it slide but things reached a head when we were getting calls and messages about her misbehaving more and more in class, eating (literally) her work, screaming at people and getting very upset. It took us raising a complaint for any action to be taken. There is one brilliant SEN teacher who is really stretched across the school who has been working with her but it's very piecemeal. Lunch club sounds like a lovely idea. I am battling with the school again to help more with the writing and also the feelings of loneliness and how they can support her but will take some thoughts back to them. You just can't let it go otherwise they seem happy to let her struggle as long as she isn't acting up in class.

I'm really sorry to hear this :( My daughter is only 5 and this is a real worry of mine for when she is older.

I would look for some local groups that cater for children with ASD or SEN. My DD5's first real friend was the one other little girl who also has autism, they seem to 'get' each other.

It also sounds like she needs an EHCP.

Unfortunately, DC whose parents advocate for them get better support, so this is one of those things you have to be constantly on the ball of. It shouldn’t be that way, but isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. They could and should be doing more to support DD. For example, laptop, assistive technology, emotional literacy support, support at lunchtime (a lunch club isn’t uncommon and there will be other pupils it would help). Do they have anything like drawing and talking therapy, nurture group, jump ahead? Follow up verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence.

If you think DD requires an EHCP, you can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.