I've been punched in the eye by my 5 year old

[Whatdowedo123]

I don't know where to turn or what to do. There's been a string of violence this week (half term) but I've been punched in the eye hard this morning by our 5 year old DS after I told him I wouldn't help him with his game because I was asleep and have just woken up. It was dark, so it will have just been a throwing fists sort of thing rather than him going for my face, but he still hit me.

He is under referral for assessment for ASD. We also suspect PDA. He's struggled so much with Year 1 and just doesn't ever seem to be regulated.

He functions very well for the most part (in other's eyes) and people wouldn't suspect he's ASD on the surface. But I feel like im being abused by my son and I don't know where to turn. I've laid in bed sobbing this morning. My eye really hurts. I'm worried he's done permanent damage but I'm more worried about what the future holds. I feel sorry for him as he'll be feeling distraught, but he doesn't seem to learn and I don't know how to fix this.

His tablet has been taken away for good with immediate effect and he's currently in his room. I'm scared of him now. Last night I was scratched on the face for scooping him up in the shop car park when he decided to run off but I know picking him up like that can be a trigger. I've been kicked in the face in bed twice this week. What on earth do we do!? Who can help? What sort of life is this? What is the bloody point of it all? I'm heartbroken. I know he struggles with impulse control. We're working on helping him learn to regulate. But what else can we do!? Child psychologist? GP? Any practical advice on where we can get him support would be much appreciated right now. We have the means to pay if necessary, we just don't know where to turn.

www.newboldhope.com/ this website has lots of helpful information. There is also a link to the bottom to the Facebook group. There is a very good closed group where you will find a lot of support from other people going through similar situations with their children.

It's awful when it happens, we had a lot of violence from my son at around that age and it rarely happens now he's older, thankfully. It's heartbreaking but the reason it is happening to you is because you are his safe space.

Take a breath, get an ice pack for your eye if you can and just take a minute for yourself. He is dysregulated and trying to express his anxiety and frustration in the only way he knows how.

I would try and remove all demands on him. Moving from a structured term time to an unstructured holiday time can be very difficult. It may also be that he is finally able to let loose all his anxiety now he is away from school and in his safe space.

What kind of support is he getting in school?

I feel for you so much my 8 yo DD used to be very physically aggressive exclusively towards me. She was diagnosed with ASD with PDA tendencies (doesn't present PDA in school). I have felt where you are now and I had a lot of support from local groups. My daughter first went to a play therapist at YPAS to try and get to the bottom of the anger, which was really useful but she struggled to use strategies learnt in the heat of the moment, as we all do. I then had training from 2 groups called ADDvanced solutions and the ASD training team at Alder Hey, which taught me strategies to, firstly keep everyone safe and unharmed, and the pre-empt and regulate her emotions.
So my advice is to find out what local offering you have in support of people waiting diagnosis start on the autistic society which can point you in the right direction for your area and what childrens mental health services are in your area a GP may help with that, however you can self refer and some sites can have drop in services. In the mean time, it sounds like you're identifying his triggers alot of it is outbursts of anxiety and/or frustration, and the more you can keeping yourself calm and out of harms way, and routine, routine, routine. It does get better. X

It’s really tough: we’ve been there and I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment. It does get better.

My advice would be to get school on board. Talk to them about all of your concerns about behaviour at home and ask what they can do to support your son at school. They may offer access to some parenting courses. Whilst these sound stressful, in some areas, I think you need to do these in order to access further support (a graduated response). And in fact we found some of the course suggestions useful. Talk to school about applying for an EHCNA. You can apply yourself if school won’t - and in our case we did because school wouldn’t.

we found making consequences relatable to the misdemeanour helpful. For example when a toy was thrown in anger, it was confiscated because we needed to know he could look after things before he had them back. We also found it helpful not to send him to his room on his own after he hit out. Often being in a space with him, not necessarily engaging with him, helped him to calm. When he was calm we also used the same phrase, along the lines of “it’s OK to have big feelings, and we can help you with them, but is not OK to hurt when you have them”. Essentially, and this is really hard - he can’t help the hurting, he’s expressing really big feelings. Give him lots of love and hugs and tell him you love him lots. You and home are his safe space which is why he behaves in that way - reinforce his sense of safety and love at home.

one good bit of advice that we had was to assess for sensory processing disorder. We commissioned a private OT to assess (and make recommendations) in school. The rationale behind this was that SPD could be causing anxiety in settings which presented as the dysregulated behaviour. Anxiety from SPD needs to be treated in a different way to “normal” (no offence meant) anxiety apparently. Our OT gave some good advice and school implemented them which helped.

DM if you want to chat more. X

I second Yvonne Newbold’s resources. Also The Explosive Child book by Ross Greene and The Out of Sync Child book. If you suspect PDA have you tried PDA strategies? You could ask about a NVR course if you think it would help.

What support is DS currently receiving? Do school use anything like Zones of Regulation? Does he have an EHCP? Does it include SALT, OT, MH therapies?

Do you have any sensory toys/equipment DS can use to help him regulate?

Thank you all so much. I read your replies this morning and they've really helped me feel better. To know it can get better and there are ways we can help him. We never suspected any ASD and then he started school and turned into a different child so this has all been a rollercoaster.

It's reassuring to hear that they can grow out of it. I think this morning I just felt utter despair and disbelief. The force he used was crazy. I can't believe he is that strong, which is scary.

School are fab in that there's regular communication and they're making accomodations as best they can for him. I brought up an EHCP at parents evening but they don't think he needs one. This last term we've had reports of jumping on tables and all sorts. He's missing PE regularly and is allowed to use a table with toys related to his special interest instead of having to sit on the mat and listen. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be helping. I don't know what the answer is. School don't seem too concerned but I'm sick with worry about what his future holds. They've said he'll get all the support he needs now without a diagnosis, my problems is I don't know what he should be having or what will help him. School are fab though, he's got teachers that really care and are experienced in SEN. They do use zones of regulation, have an area for using sensory toys and things like that, he has a chewy in class too as he seems to be a sensory seeker. His speech and language is fine, no delays or issues there.

School pointed us to an 'understanding your child' workshop online as the first port of call. In honesty I haven't done it. We both work, I study, I'm bringing work home at the moment and on top of that we are just done in emotionally/physically/mentally by the end of each day. I have joined some Facebook groups that have been invaluable for passively feeding me info in small bits. I've read the explosive child but everything's been so hectic we haven't actually sat down and tried talking with him. I think part of me thinks it's pointless and the other part of me has been firefighting, whether it's social stories to cover something that went wrong one day, to needing to keep everything super calm the next evening. But I must try. I will absolutely be reading the recommendations given too. It sounds as though we're going to have to do this course to get more help so I will get to that as a priority at this point.

I've made enquiries with local play therapists today too. I don't know if that's something that could help? When I enquired about provision for help with his anger our only option was to travel 1.5hrs on a Monday to maybe be seen and you wouldn't get the same person each week. It's just not going to work with DS, he needs trust and connection or he just clams up. Maybe I'm being defeatist I don't know. Please tell me if I am.

At home I've been trying to reduce demands, he doesn't have much expected of him and we've really loosened off once we learnt a bit more. He won't dress himself etc and for now I go along with this, but there's the worry about later in life. It's certainly a 'struggles with' point on our list to address at some point. We use natural consequences as much as possible and coming from a situation of NC with parents I'm very much invested in gentle parenting, talking about feelings, acknowledging and encouraging sitting with feelings, they will pass etc. We're a very calm, gentle household. At least we were. DH and I don't really argue, certainly no shouting/swearing/aggression etc and very respectful of one another. My Mum used to withdraw if she was ever angry/sad etc and it used to set me on pins so I'll always hug him, tell him I love him, we'll work together to figure this out. It just doesn't seem to help.

SPD is an interesting point. I'll look into that this evening. I also like the sound of the out of sync child book. We certainly have a very out of sync child! I just wish we knew how to help him better.

Thank you for all the advice and support today, it is appreciated far more than I can express. Sorry if I've missed anything asked.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Play therapy could help. As could OT.

His speech and language is fine, no delays or issues there.

Are you sure? SALT is about far more than the physical ability to speak. DC with ASD benefit from SALT.

@BlueBrick Thank you so much. Apologies regarding SALT. I'm clueless on some of this stuff and still learning. I've had a read and see it concerns eating/drinking/swallowing.

I've downloaded the OT form and will call them tomorrow as well as the play therapists I've found.
I intend to arrange a meeting with the SENCO asap to discuss school more in depth and open the discussion regarding EHCP. It'd be easier with school's support but I will apply myself if necessary.
I need to follow up his gastro appointment as that was cancelled too. Poor lad suffers with soiling also. Taken us a year battling with HV, GP to even get a referral.
I'll start reading what's been recommended up thread and do the understanding your child course.

Is there anything else I should/could be doing?

@HausMaus123 I've looked into SPD and it seems to fit the bill. He gags at pasta, spaghetti, pumpkin innards. Can't wear certain clothes, likes to chew, doesn't get dizzy on swings, can't feel that he's had an accident etc. is this something to follow up with GP or OT or someone else?

SALT can also help with social communication, social interaction, emotional regulation…

Not all ICBs commission sensory OT on the NHS. In those areas that do you can sometimes self refer, but if you can’t the GP &/or school will be able to. If you request an EHCNA and the LA agrees to assess an OT, including a sensory integration OT, assessment can be included in the needs assessment. And if you get an EHCP ongoing OT can be included.

Don’t be fobbed off with the EHCP. Unfortunately, some schools incorrectly say DC don’t need or won’t get an EHCP, but their parents go on to successfully apply themselves. An EHCP could include play therapy, OT, SALT and so much more.

If you haven’t already, apply for DLA. The Cerebra guide is helpful when completing the form. Applying for a blue badge could also help if DS struggles to stay safe in car parks. You could also request social care assessment if you want. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment from the disabled children’s team for DS.

@BlueBrick oh wow okay, that would be very useful too. I'll add SALT to the list too. He does well socially for the most part but struggles with play dates at ours and sometimes parties if it's too loud etc.

Having looked at our 'local offer' it looks like we can self refer for OT. I didn't know an EHCP could open so many doors for help either.

Blue badge could be an idea for the bad days. He can be absolutely fine say 90% of the time in car parks and then one day he'll just try run for a road and think it's funny. This is what I find so difficult with DS, it is so up and down. Would he be entitled to DLA do you think? I almost feel bad applying for it which sounds silly. I'll look into carers assessment and the disabled children's team too.

Thank you so much for your help and advice. It's so helpful knowing these are things we should be applying for.

From your posts, I would apply for DLA. It is based on needs, not diagnosis. You may have to appeal, but I think you have a good chance of being successful.

Hi @Whatdowedo123 our GP was pretty useless which is why we opted for a private OT assessment. We Went down that route as we needed answers and ways to help our son, and our EHCNA hadn’t been approved at that stage. I understand that an OT assessment could be part of an EHCNA if it’s not been done within the last six months.

Hi @Whatdowedo123 I've come on to say I've been in your situation. Dd has literally drawn blood. I've had physical and verbal abuse and been brought to my knees by some of the things dd has said and done. She's followed me around the house (while I was trying to get away from her) shouting abuse and attempting to throw herself at me. It's been bleak. Really, really bleak. But with the right strategies and interventions, based on better understanding your child's needs, it can get better.

Initially, you will need to double down on self help and research. Help and support from others will not be immediate, I'm afraid you're in it for the long haul. I second reading The Explosive Child. Your child may also have sensory processing issues, so Raising a Sensory Smart Child is worth a look.

Try to get a referral from the GP. Beware that you may get stuck in a loop as the GP prefers school to refer and if he's 'fine at school' then your school won't have the evidence to support a referral. Make a list of the behaviours you notice. The key is to build an evidential picture.

On the face of it, your school appears supportive. But the likelihood is that as your ds's needs are not seen/ well understood, they are not being met. Your son's behaviour is his way of communicating his distress and anxiety to the person he knows will love and support him, no matter what. Arrange a meeting with your school's family worker while you're attempting to get a referral. Ours was brilliant. She signposted us to practical resources, ad well as explaining the pathway and what we needed to do.

I'm afraid our senco was useless and had no interest because dd was meeting expectations academically. If your school will not agree to put in for an EHCP needs assessment, please consider applying yourself. The bar for a needs assessment is pretty low. The LA will likely initially reject your application, but it will very likely be accepted if you appeal the decision. Even if the EHCP is ultimately not issued, the needs assessment will include an Educational Psychologist's report which will give you and school more of an understanding about what's going on for your ds. The demands of school are really tough for ND kids and they often fall apart at home.

Finally, try to approach your ds from a position of understanding that he is not being defiant, he is disregulated and needs help and support. The usual behaviour management techniques recommended to parents will not work in your ds's case. Your ds's tablet my be one of the ways in which he re-regulates himself. A different approach will be needed, which various resources will help you pinpoint. Focus must be on reducing your son's anxiety - it's a physiological fight or flight response which is making him behave the way he has done.

Hang on in there. There is hope. My relationship with dd is wonderful again. I understand her better, understand her needs and I'm helping her respond in more manageable ways. Her extremes are currently well managed and she's happy, loving, has her zest for life back. I'm not complacent, and know she will likely have flare ups in future. But we now feel better prepared to help her through them.

Good luck.