Does anyone have any tips to help an older child who is anxious about speaking to teachers

[Neilhugs]

Hello,
My youngest son is 10 and in year 6. At home he is happy, chatty and cheeky boy. He loves to ask questions, and talk about a huge variety of subjects. His teacher tells us that he is the same with his friends at school.

However, he is very quiet in class. This is fine as he is at greater depth or meeting expectations in all subjects, so it does not appear to be affecting him academically in that sense. However, he is too anxious to speak to his teacher in order to ask for clarification, tell him he does not have a homework sheet etc. I think the move up to year 6 is making this more problematic as he is expected to be more proactive in making sure he has everything he needs in order to complete the work and be more independent in preparation for secondary school.

Last Friday he came home saying he did not have his homework. I just reminded him to ask for it on Monday. On Monday evening he said he had forgotten to ask. On Tuesday he said that he had been mistaken, and there was no homework. On Thursday evening he was very upset because he was in trouble for not handing in his homework. I left a message for his teacher on Friday morning explaining that he did not have the homework, and if he gives it to DS I will make sure both last week's and this week's homework was done. The teacher said this was fine. DS still does not have last week's homework, and he does not have some of this week's. Ds tells me that he is too afraid to ask for things at school, or remind the teacher that he needs something.

He has always been quiet and reluctant to speak to teachers. I have to hand over any end of term thank you presents, donations for the school fair or the food bank as DS just hides them and lies about handing them in. Reminders and encouragement to ask for things just causes him to promise to do it, and then not. I realize that he may also sometimes forget or get distracted.

Does anyone have any suggestions to help DS? I think we need strategies that do not make extra work for the teacher, and that do not involve me too much as we need options that will work at secondary school next year.

Thank you for reading all of this.

Rather than speaking would writing it down help?

Have you looked at selective mutism?

Thank you very much for your reply. I was feeling a bit alone.

I have suggested writing it down, but he rejected that. I am not sure that it is as severe as selective mutism. When he is called on in class he will just say I don't know rather than not answer at all. His year 1 teacher let him high five her to answer the register when he was little. I will look at some of the solutions that children with selective mutism use as they could help him. This is the first time that it seems to be having a big negative impact on him. I think it is because expectations on him to be proactive and independent are getting higher.

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your suggestions.

If writing won’t work what about cards with printed quotes on such as asking for further explanation that DS could place on the end of his desk. Or even a green and red card to show he is OK or needs help. Or as DS moves to secondary email is used more often.

@Neilhugs my DS1 was exactly like this in primary school and also in high school. He was diagnosed as being autistic at 18 and this was only because he starting suffering from anxiety towards the end of high school. I'm not suggesting your son is autistic but it is something to keep an eye on.

Thank you very much losingtheplot99. His older brother has ASD, so it is definitely something we are cognizant of. He is the opposite of his brother in many ways. It was having DS2, and witnessing his development that helped us to see just how much DS1 struggled, and how different his behaviour was.

DS2 has managed to bring home last week's homework today, so that is a huge relief. He tells me that he is worried that he is going to get into trouble for asking for clarification or saying that he does not have a worksheet. I am certain that his teacher would not issue sanctions for this, but the new behaviour policy at school seems to have got him into a bit of a pickle. He seems worried about the teacher's reaction when he speaks to him.

The teacher should know his / her class well enough by now that they should check in with your DS.

Suggestions

• get your DS to try say something to the teacher every day. Not just about work, about weather / football / film / gaming. So when they do need to speak about something more worrying eg homework it’s not such s big deal. Ask the teacher to support with this. Kids who won’t ask about work will chat for ages about their favourite football team.
• speak to teacher after lesson when it is quieter. This is common among secondary school students who are shy.
• if your DS doesn’t want to speak to teacher is there a TA they could ask? Could a friend support them?
• Behaviour policy should be available to you. You could talk it through with your DS. Show him it’s nothing to worry about as long as he’s doing the right things.

hope these weren’t all too obvious. Trying to think of the other side for you. I do think teacher should spot these issues too.