Dd finds it hard with GS

[Senmummanan]

Hi my grandson is being referred for possible autism my daughter /his mum has a personality disorder.

GS finds things very over whelming. He finds public transport , days out , shopping etc very hard to cope with . It takes something very small to trigger him.

Once he's triggered he will really kick off . He will scream and shout start trying to pull his own hair out . He tells him mum He hates Her, he's going to slit her throat . Hits kicks , takes his shoes of .

A few people on the bus then start tutting, saying stuff to dd . Words like sort your kid, don't talk to him like that, people have got aggressive towards her as well.

On top of GS doing the above DD will become upset, stressed, hurt by what he's doing and saying . She really takes the stuff he says to heart. Then on top of that she's got the people I mentioned above, so she's trying to cope with GS, people around her , also her own emotions. Oh and GS can also hear what others around them are saying. Which triggers him further .

Dd reaction to him is not the best she becomes very stressed and reacts in not such a good way . And I have caught her saying short sharp things to him that that she does not need to . Or cut him a nasty look . Which he sees /hears and the madness continues.

Dd often calls me crying saying how she can't cope with GS and she ends up dropping him at mine and he stays over the night.

open when GS has been like this once he's home he gos in his room . And everything suddenly stops . He's in his room constantly its like his safe space and all the stuff that happened kind of wooshes away . He speeds alot of time in his room.

Dd is doing an NVR course she's having it 121. I'm doing it with her as it was suggested as I often have GS and it's good to be on the same page . The thing is dd does not follow any of the stuff they work on. I don't know if this is because she's to over whelmed with the situation at the time also are some of her own reactions due to her personality disorder?

Some times it's like 2 teenagers going at each other.

Is it a combination of his possible ASD and her personality disorder? How does she/ we make thugs at least a little better .

Has DD considered the possibility she has ASD? Some women are misdiagnosed with personality disorders when it is actually ASD. Is DD receiving any therapy and support?

How old is GS? What support is he receiving? Has he had an OT assessment?

Public transport can be overwhelming, can DD reduce the number of times she takes GS on public transport, instead driving or taking a taxi? Can DD shop online or when GS isn’t with her? Also think carefully about days out. Taking GS somewhere he is not going to cope is setting him up to fail. Does he use noise cancelling headphones/ear defender, a bit hat/hoody, sunglasses, a SN buggy/wheelchair when out?

It may be DD needs practical support to put strategies into action in practice. Some find it difficult to transfer the theory to real life situations.

Bus wise. It's 2 buses a day. On school days dd does not drive. She's does not normally take him shopping etc but sometimes will .

She also sets herself up fail. Her thoughts are. Let's go to a nice park for the day. Gets a bus to the local heigh Street. Pop tesco for snacks , back on bus of to park , in park for like 20 mins. Then i get a phone call/message " mum I can't cope with this kid I really can't etc etc . Along with crying or stressed tone . I then ask her do you have his disability buggy? Her: no, I did not think he would kick off. Me : where have you been. All we did was go to the shops to get snacks then of to the park . I have explained to her time and time again that he can't cope with that . Then she will say so we can't even go out do something nice because of him.

I bought him a disability buggy. She can't use it on school run because she has a baby and Needs to push that pram. She can't use a sling/carrier. But she can use it in days out etc as she normally with a 2nd person.

She has out the things I place before but then she stops.

She did start driving lessons. But then stopped because she wanted to save up for a holiday 😔

GS is 5

Has DD looked at school transport?

Look at a double buggy so DD can use the buggy for GS when she is out on her own.

Does DD have a support worker? Has she had social care assessments? Home Start may be able to support her. Scope offer mentoring to parents of DC on the assessment pathway.

Shes got all sorts of support from. Professionals. She can't get school transport there's no confirmed SEN, no EHCP. She can't use a double because the 5 year old lashing out and he could hurt the baby if he's sitting that close. Also he's 5 so to big. Also she's got to get buggy up 3 flights of steps .

Relook at school transport. DC do not need a diagnosis to qualify for transport. DC don’t need to have a diagnosis to be classed as having SEN either - from your posts it is clear GS does have SEN.

What support are these professionals providing? Because it is clear DD and GS need more. Does she have a support worker/PA? Does GS? Is there an OT? Is DD receiving MH therapy?

GS isn’t too big for a SN buggy. You can get double buggies where GS can’t get to baby. It won’t solve the stairs but GS is presumably walking down/up them at the moment, so DD could use a double but not put GS in until the buggy is at the bottom/taking him out before going up.

He has a sen buggy . But we can't get that into a double which would also suit a 6 month old baby and how would he not be able to reach the baby

Dd had a social worker, and NVR . No one is actually listening to her at school because he's not like it at school at all, and he's not like it with me . That's not to say he's not like it at all with me. But it does not go to far and I don't react how dd does. But then I'm older than her and I don't have a personality disorder. And I don't get triggered by the stuff that's said by GS so I think it's more difficult for her than me.

I also don't think its that easy to get school transport as your putting across ?

I know he has a single SN buggy. You can get double SN buggies that are suitable for one older child and one baby. Some of which are tandem buggies in a way one child can’t reach the other.

So what support is the social worker providing? Do DD and GS have a PA?

The law sets out when school transport must be provided. LAs often act unlawfully, but the provision can be enforced. A child who cannot reasonably be expected to walk to school because of their SEN is entitled to transport. Presumably that applies to DS since he is having multiple meltdowns.