Angel at Home...not so much at school

[nomadmummy]

Background: my child was exposed to DV at a young age (under) and we both had trauma and PTSD diagnoses. We've both had a lot of therapy. We recently moved countries. He is now age 7 (august baby).

My DS is an angel at home. He tries to be independent. Tries to help mummy with everything. Doesn't protest much. Never throws a temper tantrum about being told he can't do something. He's the type of kid you could take him for a long awaited day out at the theatre or amusement park - get there and find out it's closed and he'd be ok. I mean I feel fortunate every day that I have such a sweet child.

Today I found out he is having all kinds of problems at school not engaging with curriculum and having big outburts - yelling at staff, name calling, throwing things. He's also touching his private parts all the time! :( We talked about some things to about the behavior. Talked about the follow-up with SEN who was sick today. Talked about how we will look into his concentration.

But I could really use some views, reassurance, suggestions...?

It was recently said to me - a kid can't switch off neurodiversity like ADHD or ASD and be fine at home and not at school. But going down the road of assessments again makes me feel awful for him and stressed for me. Every day I ask him how school was. He's only told me math is too hard. I ask him about getting in trouble - he assures me none...but that's not true! However in aftercare at another location the staff have assured me all is fine - no problems.

Now he did have issues being away from me at camp and once he got in trouble he was sent home immediately. And after that misbehaved constantly to deliberately get sent home because in his words, he was scared I was going to get on the plane and move without him!! Bringing me to another important point - we don't really have any family, just me and him. Though I've been told occassionally at summer camp he was randomly telling people about the DV history with his dad...his version of events.

And for an example, last night we came home and I had him sit at the table and start his reading - he read for about 45 minutes out loud (and was teary-eyed for awhile). I told him for now from Monday to Friday he can only use his ipad to practice his math and such on apps from school - he did not protest.

I was diagnosed gifted and it turns out my parents were too. My understanding of gifted is that it is a form of neurodiversity not 'highly intelligent' though you could be. When I look at the chart of asd/adhd/gifted crossover he's mostly where adhd and gifted overlap. Based on my experience in the USA - I'm very anxious about this and how they will go about evaluations. In the USA there are many exacerbated and made up diagnoses because insurance doesn't have to cover some issues and some issues legally must be covered. The shite show I can talk about since i'm not there anymore.

I’m very sorry you suffered from DV. Has he ever had any therapy to deal with the trauma from it?

It sounds like he would benefit from play therapy to help him process this.

If you are currently in the US (?) I think it’s hard for people here to advise you re. school, but punishing him (ie removing screen time except for maths) is not going to help him process trauma or teach lagging skills like attention.

Yes, I have read about giftedness being its own type of special need. Debbie Reber talks about this at Tilt parenting (US based) as her son is both gifted and has ADHD which is now talked about as twice exceptionality.

It was recently said to me - a kid can't switch off neurodiversity like ADHD or ASD and be fine at home and not at school

I don’t know who told you this, but it isn’t correct. Of course, someone who is ND is always ND, but it isn’t unusual for DC to behave differently in different settings. More typically it is ‘fine’ at school when DC mask, but explode at home - often called the coke bottle effect. But, it isn’t unheard of the other way round when home/the environment/adult meet their needs, but the school environment/staff don’t.

What support is the school suggesting? Did moving countries involve learning a new language? Is DS continuing to receive MH support? Although there are also differences, in some ways trauma can look a bit like ASD/ADHD.

We had modified ABA therapy (the first agency was awesome...the second not so much), Parent Child Interactive Therapy that was cut off because of the pandemic. But he is asking more questions about his dad.

ABA therapy is not anything that’s going to help him process trauma from the DV, it’s about teaching skills and changing behaviour. Play therapy is the equivalent of talk therapy for adults.

https://playtherapy.org.uk/what-is-play-therapy/

Well SEN coordinator was ill so it was just his teacher. She said we will get him emotional support and a class buddy. She thought he was bothered by noise and got him ear defenders. (I think he was just attention seeking in the situation mentioned..) We just moved back 2 months ago to where he was born. She said SEN will follow-up but teacher thinks there's something ND.

We had his ABA covered by insurance on the premise at 3 we could squeeze him into definition of ASD-like behaviors that got ABA that was needed but backfired in the school system. The ASD evaluator did not think he had ASD...not at all. We saw a trauma specialist psychologist who evaluated him and said he clearly 100% had trauma. I was also told he had PTSD. The trauma specialist got us a grant to cover Parent Child therapy because insurance didn't cover it. It was cut short due to pandemic - but for about a year they called every week to ask questions and give feedback. They did say to expect muscle memory reactions for a long time...

Oh and as far as the language...this is where it really muddied the waters for him. I had to start a job 3 week after he was born (dire situation). He was home with his DD, DD was teaching him 3 languages - DD (DH at the time) and I spoke only in French. So after DD/DH was arrested, DS went to nursery and was English was not super familiar - all his exposure had been with me for like 2 hours a day m-f and on weekends a mix of french and english. Then at almost 2 years we moved to the US and everything was a shock to him. And he started having more behaviors and meltdowns. After 2 months of ABA at home 5-6 days a week during lockdown his behavior drastically changed. By August that year they were stuggling to keep up with him. Unfortunately his therapist quit and from there on ABA was not adjusted to trauma and in hindsight it was probably not helpful beyond that time.

DS needs more support specifically aimed at the trauma/PTSD. Depending on DS’s maturity, as well as play therapy, you could look at EMDR. Has DS ever seen an OT?

Are you now in the UK?

Request another meeting when the SENCO. The school needs to be providing more SEN support. I wouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion DS was attention seeking.