How many melt downs per day?

[ClemFandango1]

Ds9 is having 2-3 meltdowns per day at the moment; 1 before school, 1 or 2 after, mostly to do with the toddler touching stuff.
I find it so bloody draining, and I hate to leave dd to see him screeching.

I can't not feed dd (his main trigger), or let him control every bloody thing, so how do I minimise them?

Oh, and I can't fit his homework in because the evening goes:

4:30-7: meltdowns interspersed with getting dd fed, bathed and to bed
7-8: make ds dinner, bath
8:30 bed

I would start with the basics. Is he eating enough, including at school, and sleeping ok. How well
is he being supported at school? Does he have an EHCP? How is his behaviour there?

Him eating dinner after 8pm seems late, is he having a decent snack after school to tide him over or can dinner be moved earlier?

Is there anywhere to put some of his special/favourite stuff so that dd cannot get to it?

Meltdowns before and after school suggest DS has unmet needs at school. What support are they currently providing?

Does DS have somewhere to decompress after school? Do you have any sensory equipment? A trampoline? I agree with Open, can you/DS put stuff he doesn’t want DD to touch out of reach? And after 7pm is late for him to be eating dinner.

Some people find Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book &/or Yvonne Newbold’s resources helpful.

Thanks for the recs, I have that book but have yet to read it.

Problem with dinner is he refuses to eat before dd goes to bed, but has several snacks in that time (on top of very restricted eating which is a whole other story)

He's not diagnosed yet so no ehcp. School are in the process of trying to accommodate him ad hoc (he cries quite often), I have a meeting next week with senco.

I might set stuff up in my room for him to retreat to... Issue is he wants total control over e.g. Whether dd eats or touches anything,, which he cannot have if upstairs.

So draining!

And there is only me so I can't feed her and cook for him at the same time :(

You don’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP. Request an EHCNA using IPSEA’s model letter. Has DS been referred for assessment(s)?

Have a look at some PDA strategies.

Can DS communicates why he feels he needs to eat after DD is in bed? Would he eat in a different room?

I only have one dc so can only imagine how difficult it is.

It is widely understood that such a strong need for control stems from anxiety so it’s helpful to view it as such rather than thinking he’s just being difficult. Toddlers are very unpredictable and I expect that alone is quite stressful for him. As she gets older and understands boundaries it may become easier.

How communicative is he? Could he tell you what would make things more manageable for him? The Ross Green book is about collaborative problem solving: working with your child to help resolve issues.