Explosive temper

[BarelyCoping123]

Hello all
I don't know where to turn. I would be so grateful for any advice.

My DD is almost 11. She has always had an explosive temper. She is normally very sweet, good at school, kind, caring, reasonable etc. But then sometimes when something goes wrong, she doesn't get way, plans change or fall through, or worst is if something special to her gets lost or breaks - she just loses it with anger, goes berserk, shouting, screaming. She has also occasionally hit herself, in the leg, which we have really highlighted to her as being unacceptable.

To my knowledge this only happens at home with her dad and me ( not at school).
Now lately she's added in telling us she hates us and we're the worst parents ever etc.
We try to deal with it as best we can, and we do get there in the end, and she is apologetic afterwards when she has calmed down - but the bad bit is very awful for all of us.

It happens maybe once every couple weeks. We need to do something. We've exhausted our own resources. She's physically big now, and when she lashes out she hurts me.

(We've read the book Explosive Child, but didnt find it useful.)

We just don't know where to turn for some help - school? (Though she's fine there) GP? I'm thinking GP but I don't know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Speak to the school’s SENCO and GP.

Have you considered the coke bottle effect? Appearing to manage ‘fine’ at school but exploding at home can be a sign of unmet needs at school. Sometimes it doesn’t happen every day or even every week but builds up over time, DC explode when their ‘bottle’ is full and then the cycle starts again. Or it only happens when it has been a particularly difficult day at school/something specific has happened.

Thank you so much.
I am not familiar with that term, but I know of masking, they sound similar - I know children who do this, and yes I've thought about whether this applies to DD, but i dont think so - she enjoys school, loves her teachers, has fun. It's just at home when something happens (as listed above), that the anger comes out.

Masking can, although doesn’t always, result in the coke bottle effect. Enjoying school, loving teachers and having fun doesn’t necessarily rule masking and the coke bottle effect out.

Bump x

Does she have any diagnosed conditions?

You haven’t said, but do you think she’s neurodiverse?

No, no diagnosed conditions. But we've not seen anyone. That's what I'm wondering about, how to begin to find out if she has any conditions, or at least how to get help with her temper

Speak to the SENCO and GP. In some areas, you can self-refer; if you can’t, the GP &/or school will be able to.

I agree, speak to the SENCO and GP. Unfortunately many people find it hard to get an assessment for dc that cope or mask well at school, it seems to just depend on the individuals you speak to.

Do you see any marked difference during the holidays vs term time? How communicative is she? If you were to gently ask her if she sometimes felt like she couldn’t be herself to fit in, would she answer?

If you don’t feel she’s masking then have a look at the spoons theory which may resonate. This is about having to manage your energy through the day and what happens when you don’t.

Why did you feel that The explosive child wasn’t helpful? I’m not judging, just curious.

You could try exploring Zones of regulation with her to help with emotional regulation, this is what they use at my ds’ specialist school.

You might find the book 10 days to a less defiant child helpful. It’s full of information about why this sort of child acts like they do and strategies to help. I’m also reading a book called Calm the chaos after hearing the author on a podcast. Too early to tell with this one though the premise is good.

Ultimately, school aside, any solution is going to come from you and your dp changing your expectations and the way you deal with her. The idea is that when the adult changes the child changes - in time. Our children need emotional regulation modelled for them and it takes them much, much longer to get there than their peers.

Thank you so much, everyone.
We will definitely speak to GP & SENCO.

To answer a few questions:
No noticeable change during school-time or holidays. She is enthusiastic about both - holidays because we do fun things, and school because she sees all her friends all together.
I think she's generally communicative. We do ask her about school, and generally how things are, is anything upsetting her etc, she says everything is good.
Explosive Child book: it just didnt seem to fit her type of explosiveness, the recommendations didnt seem relevant or useful. Her explosions are so situation-specific. I'll have another read through the book though.

I've ordered some of the books suggested, thanks so much for the recommendations. We definitely know that we need to change how we deal with her - we just need guidance on how to do this. We will get the ball rolling. I am feeling positive thanks to the advice above and knowing that we are now taking action. Thank you all!