Dd's friend's mum doesn't want dd in their house as apparantly dd is rude! Dd is heartbroken....

[Aero]

.... and can't understand what she's done wrong.

This came about from the friend (let's call her Sarah) telling their other friend (call her Jane) and then Jane telling dd.

Now I have no idea what has happened, but I do know it's possible dd may have come accross as rude, but it's rarely intentional, more that she doesn't understand social ettiquette etc.

I've not said to many people that dd is being assessed for various conditions (ADD, ASD, AS) atm, but am wondering if I now should, as in this type of situation, I feel a different approach than being cross with my dd would benefit her more by miles!!

I was also saddened by the fact that she has said such things to 'Sarah', knowing that it could easily get back to dd as children talk.
Sarah has been really nice to dd, but now dd is afraid of upsetting her mother again and doesn't want to go back there anyway (problem solved, you'd think!).

I'm upset for dd as she's seeing more and more the gap between herself and others and blaming her 'fuzzy wuzzy brain' (her own words).

How do I approach this with 'Sarah's mum. I'd never say such things about her child to dd, even if she was rude in my house, as I know it'd get back to her and then in turn, her parents and that's just plain not nice.
I might not like the woman particularly (I don't really know her well enough to like or dislike really), but I'd not want to hurt her dd's feelings iyswim.

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I think I'd be inclined to find the mother and have a chat. I'd be very smiley and nice and say 'Oh was everything okay on the playdate? Were there any problems? I was worried that you might have thought dd was rude?'

And then see what her response is, and then decide whether you want to tell her about the assessment.

I think I'll try to have a word. It wasn't a playdate as such, more a casual play with a child in the road.

The three of them are friends, but dd can usually only cope with one of them at a time. She likes both girls, but the three of them together often ends up with dd in tears. She is more friendly with 'Jane' really, and her mum is very tolerant, as 'Jane' has her moments too! Both girls are in the year below dd and are a year or so younger than her, so perhaps 'Sarah's mum expects more from dd because of this (old enough to know better kind of thing).

Thanks ahundredtimes. Am hoping to bump into her today.

No advice but I didn't want to just read and not post. Poor dd.

Thanks coppertop. Actually, she's had a lovely time today with a school friend, so haven't seen her neighbour friends at all.

I kind of wonder if I should leave it and it'll blow over, but then again, I don't want dd to feel unwelcome in this person's house. I don't know whether she'd be so brave as to tell dd to her face not to come back if she arrived at the door to play!

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Threads moving fast tonight. Am still feeling weird about this - does anyone have similar problems, or advice?

could Jane possibly be stirring or misinterpreting? I would keep an eye on the situation, not say anything right now.

I don't thinks so TC - she is the more genuine/likeable of the two girls. AFAIK, Sarah confirmed what her mum supposedly said, but was still perfectly nice to dd (on this occasion). Think she was worried about bringing dd into her house, hence the three of them stood outside talking yesterday before eventually going into Sarah's house. They weren't there long before they moved on to Jane's house though.

All very strange, but dd has no reason to make this up. I guess a misinterpretation is possible, but she did say that Sarah's mum wasn't very nice to her and shouted at her, 'This is 'Sarah's' house!', when she was whispering something to Jane.

Obviously whispering is rude, but in my house, I'd just have said something like it's not very nice to whisper in company etc.

Hi Aero. I am sorry that your dd is being hurt by this.

I have two close friends who have dc's with learning difficulties/behavioural difficulties. They both found that other Mums reacted with much more understanding to their dc's once they were made aware of the difficulties each experienced. Until they understood the situation people were very quick to judge the children as rude or unruly or naughty which was just not fair or indeed accurate in these situations. They did not notice any obvious negatives to making people aware of their child's difficulties.

I totally understand that you may feel it is nobody elses business especially until the assessments are concluded but I just wanted to mention my friend's experiences in case it is helpful.

I am glad that your dd had a good day today.

Thanks ags. I do feel exactly that, I guess while there is no firm diagnosis, but have noticed that a different approach to dd, even from my own parents since all this has become apparant, helps enormously. It just means they have a greater understanding of her and demonstrate more patience than they otherwise might iyswim.

I think I might mention it to this mum next time we meet, but not mention this particular incident. Just that dd might appear rude/inconsiderate when she's not trying to be and that she's undergoing assessment.

Ds1 also had a friend over today who is autistic. I was well aware of his condition and was more than happy to go out of my way to make sure he feels comfortable and welcome in our home.

Sounds like a plan Aero. Good luck with it all.

I have similar reactions with my DS he is currently going through testing for ASD probably AS, I find the childs mother very rude myself tbh, I always explain that DS is being tested for an ASD as it is blatantly obvious with him alot of the time, I hope all goes well with the childs mother for you.
Alot of people understand more and tolerate more if they know why others are like they are or can look into ways of dealing with it. And as for your DD I hope she will be fine in time and understand that she cant help being the way she is and that not all people are as vicious and judgemental as this person was.
Good luck
Amber

i would defo mention it to the mum

let us know how you get on