Siblings to a SN child - how they cope?

[marmadukescarlet]

My DD was nearly 5 when her DB was born. He was in hospital lots from birth, she had never been seperated from me and was very upset. She has always been an absolute dream, confident, articulate, well behaved, very self contained.

She was bullied during reception yr at school, I did try to sort it but was in/out hosp and worried about DS. DH works away most of the time and have no family.

DD now 8 (yr 3) is mildly dyyspraxic -although it seems to be a confidence/anxiety based issue as walked and talked before 10 mths, has great fine moter skills but has propreception problems - and a daydreamer. She has started to confuse her consonants in speech (Nummy instead of mummy). Seen OT and Ed Phsch, nither have been that helpful - although apparently she has IQ 141+.

GP today confirmed that she feels the speech is emotional/subconscious attention seeking. She has recommended a book 'The parent child game' by Sue Green. She feels that the problems surrounding DD will resolve once we have 'fixed' the emotional problems, won't refer for SALT as that is focussing on failings.

Basically I need to parent in a more positive style so that I have more good contacts with DD than bad (telling off) which is all well and good but I am looking after my (quite difficult) SN DS and her whilst DH works away much of the time and I am exhausted. We sometimes have a live in Au Pair, but not at mo and can't find anyone prepared to help out with DS to give me more 121 time with DD.

I feel like such a failure.

Erm I'd be wary of 'emotional/subconcious attention seeking' especially if she hasn't been seen by a SALT.

Can you put a call out for moondog to read this thread? She's very helpful. Blaming the parent when there's a disabled sibling seems a bit of a cop out.

Thanks Yurt, tbh my DS' SALT has said the same thing, as DDs speech was fine until last 18mths or so - or was it that I didn't notice? Starting to doubt myself.

It's just not 'me' to feel so negative, but I feel so lost.

I actually really like my GP, it was her that backed me all the way when DS was being written off by the Paed Neuro as 'nothing but the product of a hysterical mother who didn't take him to toddler group enough' - he has a rare genetic condition.

anyone else?

Moondog??

someone suggested you had learning difficulties fio??

Mind you I got told that ds1 wasn't talking because I was a) not talking to him enough b) talking to him too much (delete as you feel fit at this particular moment).

Do you get any direct payments/respite care for help with ds?

I developed a stutter in my teens at a time of stress in my life, which I am sure was psychosomatic - so it is possible to have language difficulties due to anxiety. But I agree with the other posters - get the SALT assessment anyway just to be sure.

toddler groups seem to be the textbook recommendation to everything from PND to speech delay to ASD .

He asked you your GCSE results

Fio, does his name sound French?

Yurt, if the direct payments /respite question was aimed at me - no we don't get anything supportwise. We get high rate for care, but despite the fact he is 3.5 I haven't roused myself sufficiently to fill in his mobility application.

I was on the waiting list for Crossroads - never heard back - and Carers First (which you have to pay for anyway) but after 18 months I just paid for help independently.

We don't have a social worker, portage worker, SALT or anything at the mo as he does 2 sessions per week at a SN nursery (it is supposed to be 4 sessions before all your care package drops off, but hey) so he apparently gets it all there.

The only thing he gets is six monthly checks with the physio, although he has just had his legs in progressive casting for 4-5 weeks so we went in weekly.

God I sound negative.

Marmaduke,sorry but the GP has no right making such wild and unhelpful spotdiagnoses.
For God's sake!!!

A lot of SALT depts let you refer directly. Ring yours and find out.

If not,insist that the GP refers.

I can't believe that she came out with this, I really can't.
Barking.

Monndog, thank you - I am worried it is linked to her Dyspraxia rather than DS. I will call the SALT dept and ask if I can self refer.

Fio, yes statementing underway via his SN nursery. He goes to a mainstream nursery (in an independent prep school's pre school dept) and I pay for him to have a 1 to 1 - although Kent do actually fund 2.5 hrs per session towards his 1 to 1 as his needs are quite high. He much prefers m/s nursery to s/n as he is very passive and vulnerable.

My ex Portage worker and HV both say I don't need SS involvement due to the fact I am educated, articulate and confident (they are deluded ).

I know the mc's take a beating on here, but I actually find it a barrier (being mc) to accessing support and services. I presumed to be able to cope. I also believed some services are means tested.

I've never claimed CA as I earn up to a certain tax threshold and I felt it wouldn't be worth the extra aggravation with our accountants (sounds flash, but we run our own small business) for £35 per week (accountants charge more than that per hour)

Thank you all for your input, I've been very miserable about the whole thing. And through sheer guilt was horrid to my DD yesterday evening - not horrid exactly, I didn't react well to her behaviour which just spiralled it out of all proportion.

Hope you sort it Marmaduke.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
I am having grief with the powers that be at present re dd's education and like you have snapped many times at her when under severe stress. I know what it is like.
Just rest assured that you are doing the best you can. We all are.

XX

It is impossible to be a perfect parent anyway, but especially when you have an SEN kid. I find that the people who judge me ("make sure you are not ignoring your other child, you're her mum too") are never people who ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE to have an SEN child. When DS was younger, I had to give him more attention than my DD, for the very simple reason that he would do himself harm if left alone for even one second. So what's their answer, those people who judge? Nope, they don't have one because they just don't know what it's like. So glad Moondog is here to give us sane SALT advice! If your child is mixing up consonants, it could be a mild touch of verbal dyspraxia, which they call apraxia in the US and which my DS has on top of his autism, and it definitely affects his consonants more than his vowels. Big hug to you - that person who said it's attention-seeking has obviously read one article in the Daily Mail and now thinks he's a professor of speech disorders! These people with a little knowledge are dangerous and very very very annoying!

Need to remember that when a GP tells you something they might have had very little specific training in techniques for helping you parent.

They know all about tonsilitis but will not necessarily know anything about tantrums!!

You are incredibly lucky to be able to access SALT at all, round here most SALT posts are staffed by someone called v. acancy...

I think sometimes we get too involved with the very small things such as mixing consonants up, being a bit clumsy especially when children go to school.
Everything about children seems to be under the microscope and then often blown up out of all proportion.
It's all enough to make parents paranoid.