How to handle over the top behaviour

[freespirit333]

DS7 has ADHD and DCD. He’s not medicated at the moment.

He has a small group of close friends who he’s comfortable with, and they’re also a bit quirky/out there (he definitely has a ND radar!) and together they’re over the top and say all sorts of silly things.

We often walk to school with other classmates, mainly girls, who DS isn’t close with but has had one or two play dates with. He acts really silly and shows off a lot, which I understand is his way of trying to get people to like him/laugh (he is full of humour, always trying to make us laugh at home). But typically he takes it too far (he does this at home too, never knows when to stop).

Some things I let wash over me, like when he sings a silly song they’ve heard about poo, but often he’ll say violent things in a jokey way (not threatening, he’s not an aggressive child other than the realms of typical sibling fights). Examples are “I’m going to punch/shoot xyz in the face”. Today I heard him talking about his brother and he said “I’m going to put a knife through his leg next time he kicks me”. He also was carrying a leaf which he tore in half and said “RIP leaf”.

It’s all said in a jokey voice, he’s trying to make the other person laugh, but I really hate it and it’s not appropriate, obviously. I ask him to stop at the time and he tends to, and will have a chat with him later on about it, we often talk about what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate and he can answer correctly, but in the moment, or when he’s trying to get the laughs, he clearly doesn’t stop and think.

He does play games like Mario, Lego superheroes on his Switch, and also likes things like Ninjas, Ninja Turtles, but he’s not exposed to anything that’s not age appropriate and we also don’t have YouTube in the house. He loves comics and books like Dog Man, he loves “out there” stuff and fighting etc although he’s not aggressive himself, but that’s what he finds funny. Show him a comedy slapstick scene where someone falls over or gets whacked in the head (Home Alone etc) and he’ll laugh and laugh. So I don’t feel like I can restrict what he consumes media wise as even Toy Story has things like “shut up/idiot” in.

Any experience of this or tips how to handle it?

Have you considered trying medication? That can often help with impulsivity. Does he receive any support with interacting and communicating? And SALT or OT?

Whilst developing, he will need someone to step in, where possible anticipate when he is going to go too far/or once he has already gone too far for the times it isn’t anticipated and redirect/remind/remove as appropriate.

However, I don’t think Toy Story is the same as Home Alone, and if DS is struggling to understanding boundaries/how far to go I would limit the type of things DS is watching.

Yes we will definitely try medication, probably sooner rather than later. He won’t be having a review with the paediatrician until spring next year and trying to get an earlier appointment is like banging your head against a brick wall! He has just started Y3 and I think this might be the crunch year in terms of needing the extra help from medication.

It’s difficult to stop him watching certain things, to be honest. He’s almost 8 and the stuff he watches is age appropriate. He is also exposed to a lot through his friends who have older siblings, other classmates etc, it’s just the way life is.

No he doesn’t get any support with interacting other than an ad hoc small group at school which was working on things like turn taking in conversation, listening to others. This was really ad hoc and I haven’t had much feedback about it other than he seemed to improve towards the end.

When you tell him that these kinds of statements aren't appropriate, do you brainstorm and practice other ways of connecting with other children? Like asking them questions, telling a story about something interesting that happened, telling a joke? My guess is that some of this might be coming from anxiety about how to connect.

One strategy a psychologist has suggested for our much younger but probably NT son, is calmly and casually naming what he might be feeling when behaviour gets silly: "I wonder if you're worried about xyz" or "I wonder if it was hard for you to do ABC." With our son, he will sometimes listen to this and it does stop him in his tracks a bit. You probably don't want to do that in front of his friends but it might help for conversations afterwards - if he can start to identify the feelings that prompt the impulsive behaviour.

Thanks @BusMumsHoliday . We do a bit of the brainstorming, probably not enough. He is funny and does make other children laugh, I think I’d be a bit rubbish at coming up with alternative jokes etc but will maybe get him to suggest some and together we can discuss appropriate and not!

Yes I’ve listened to quite a few podcasts about silliness in parenting as it’s always been a bit of a theme. In this situation it was probably anxiety mixed with an element of trying to impress. He is quite good at talking about feelings but later on, after the event like you say.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? Does DS have an EHCP?

You can’t police what other DC watch, but you can control what DS watches at home and redirect him. Watching things that blur the boundaries for him won’t help.

@freespirit333 I just want to say you've described my son almost exactly. I mean down to the exact same video games. With the exception that he can be aggressive so those "kill" statements can be a bit alarming. that said he is also the sweetest most kindhearted kid. any chance you live near SW London? I know a kid who'd be right up your DS's alley.

No EHCP, but we have a good dialogue with the SENCO and teacher. This isn’t really an issue at school, or if it is he and his close friends are probably saying the same things together at playtime and making each other laugh. He wouldn’t actually ever hurt anyone. It’s more an issue when he is trying to show off.

@krobhix20 sorry to hear that, I bet that’s a bit unsettling? DS can whack his sibling but it’s usually in retaliation and not beyond what I imagine is normal sibling stuff. He doesn’t hurt anyone else, he’s never been physically aggressive and I really hope it stays that way. Does your DS have a diagnosis? Sadly we are not in SW London!!

He has a Sensory Processing Dx which I hear isn't really a diagnosis here. He also has fairly severe anxiety. He's likely AdHD also and I'm beginning to think dyslexia as well. We have an EHCP and was trying to get a CAHMS diagnosis with his assessment but the wait was too long.

He's a super tricky kid because he's fine until he's not. Most wouldn't know he has additional struggles. But then when he does boy oh boy can you tell.

It doesn’t need to be an issue at school for an EHCP to help. I was thinking about additional support for communication and interaction that an EHCP could help with.

Thanks @OvertakenByLego . We’re not in England so it would be a different plan to an EHCP, but currently he doesn’t “qualify” (?) for a plan as he doesn’t have adjustments made above what should be expected.