Hi Motherousity,
There is a lot in your posts to address.
Masterbation is great stress reliever and is common in boy with autism, and known among girls. Though the parents and school should be teaching him when it is not appropriate to do it, ie in public.
I was very much like your stepson growing up, especially in regard with the underlying violence. I was kicked out of mainstream at 6 for attacking another child, and it was a vicious attack.
Most of the time it was sudden and in response to a perceived threat, real or not and was extreme. However I was just as capable of malicious thought and 'arranging things' so problems can be dealt with.
What scares me now is how close I got to seriously hurting or even killing others with no real concept of the consequences at the time. What changed me around was when one of my kids at school attacked me. I didn't get a chance to get back at him as the teachers were over us before I got a chance to. But once he realised what he had done and he hadn't killed me he had a complete nervous breakdown.
Despite everything else that I had done it was the thought that I could destroy someone like that shocked me to the core and made me realise I had to change.
Incidently, when not at home I would have a lot of trouble sleeping, and more often then not would sleep with a knife under my pillow.
There are some aspects of your story that realy does scare me. I am sure you are aware of the lack of empathy, and you have shown this with the story about the hamster. But also what it shows is his parents are sticking their head in the sand. They are not tackling his behaviour, he is being left without boundaries and that is frightening.
Assumedly the hamster had been suffering and they had allowed it to continue and without getting help for the hamster. The chances are depending on where he is on the spectrum for Aspergers he may have little or no concept that the hamster was suffering or he had done anything wrong.
Sorry to be harsh about this, but your husband has to take responsibility for this as well, even though he doesn't live with them. He is still the boys father. And from what you have said he would rather deny things then face up to them.
Having said that children like this can be very draining on parents. It is not as simple as telling the parents they need to be apply strong discipline consistantly. At this stage they need professional support and help. As you said he is 13, it is not going to change over night.
Oh and before someone declares what he needs is a good thrashing I was regularly caned at school and given the belt by my father.
I do agree with you that his diet needs a good looking at and his mum will need support with this.
You have to do what is best for your children and as things are currently I think you do need to rethink the current arrangements. A blanket ban on any rough housing, and I don't think that your husband is home when you have his son round is unreasonable - though I don't know your circumstances or your husbands work patterns.
If your son is becoming concerned about his own safety then this has to be taken seriously as this will effect him long term if not addressed.
I have a lot of sympathy for everyone involved, especially your stepson, as I said I was there once, but children like this drain everyone. As he is your husbands son he is a part of your life, but you need to take steps to reduce the effects on your family. If his parents continue to stick their head in the sand then your perfectly right to not want him near you and the family.
I haven't been able to find the drug you mentioned, but if this hasn't been recently assessed then it needs to be, but the parents need to be honest.
One plea though, don't give up on him totally. It took me many years after I decided to change to become comfortable with who I was, and what I had done. I was 15 when it happened. 17 before I was comfortable to throw the knife away. I walked out on a suprise 18th birthday because I couldn't cope with it. I had a few people who believed in me and stood by me, I was past my mid 20s before I truly appreciated them.
They weren't whimsical accepting what ever I did or try to excuse my behaviour, they tended to be the ones who stood up to me and set boundaries and made sure I faced the consequences. They were also the ones who maintained high expectations of me and helped me to pick myself up each time I failed.
It certainly wasn't the teacher who asked us to write about what we thought we would be doing by the time we were thirty and I wrote either dead or in prison for murder and he wrote I AGREE!
Sorry for the jumbled post but can see all sides of this, including the boys mother who I assume is dealing with him daily with little support?
But as I said at the end of the day your family is your main concern and there is little you can do if parents are not facing up to it.
(((hugs)))