How can I help my friend? SALT has confirmed her son has AS traits.

[MehgaLegs]

Spent an emotional morning with a dear friend. She has been worried about her 3 year old DS's speech delay and behaviour for over a year now. He is finally being assessed next month at CDC and after a few sessions with SALT has been told he does have some autistic traits.

She is very down and apart from hugs and a shoulder to cry on I want to offer some more support. I can empathise a little as I remember going through similar feelings as DS4's SN became more apparent.

If you have been in her position, what helped you through it most?

What helped the most was someone to listen to my endless rantings about autism, unfairness, fear of the future etc etc, but to be honest what really also helped was someone to give me a break from my DS sometimes - even just half an hour to go to the shops or for a coffee. Your friend's DS may not be as challenging, but when my ASD DS was 3 it was ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING and I yearned for someone to say - off you go, take some time to yourself, I'll watch him and keep him safe. Not sure if you can do this with 4 of your own, but it was a lifesaver for me. Eventually I got respite care for 2 x 2 hrs a week, but that took time to come through. You are a good friend to her though, even just to ask the question!

having someone to listen is good, just someone to hear the hurt etc, not being asked endless questions

I agree with trying to get your friend to get a break, somehow, regularly.

someone to talk to about just normal everyday stuff is good i.e your friend talks about it all if she wants to, but still has the chance for non sn chat.

I suppose the worst thing about going through the diagnosis process is that no one can stop you feeling some very raw emotions, so you just need to be there for her and she will know that and it does help, honest!

agree with the others. sometimes you want to splurge out every last detail of an appointment, other times you just don't want to talk about it at all. Since you have been down a similar route yourself, you will instinctively avoid anything too dreadful - accusing her of negativity, rubbing her face in your own kid's achievement, and will know that feeling of being out of step/why me etc. depending on how up to facing it she is, your knowledge of what is available in terms of benefits and support/activities locally may be of use.

Thank you for taking the time to post here.

One thing she said that really rang true with me was that she just needed people to acknowledge that her DS did have an on going problem and how much the throw away comments that people make; when they are trying to be positive but don't know what to say, really irritated her. I know exactly what she means as we had the same; comments like, "he'll catch up" "he's just going through the terrible twos" " my husband's brother's budgie's niece didn't talk until she was 12", You know the sort of thing.

I found I could really empathise with her feelings but did catch myself saying "oh that happened to me with DS4" several times, which is something I'm concious of doing a great deal but wondered if this was unhelpful.

What do you think, does it help to know others went through/felt the same?

Yes, I think it's absolutely fine to say - I know what that feeling is like as I've been through it myself with my child with SN - completely different to - oh all 2 year olds are like that, mine sometimes lines up trucks, or my neighbours first cousin twice removed didn't talk till he was 4, he's now a brain surgeon etc.

If someone doesn't know much about SN, then the best thing they can do is just acknowledge that it's a worrying situation for me, rather than treat me like a neurotic - friends without kids have been far better at respecting my feelings/opinions than friends with NT kids, funnily enough.

I totally agree. Have 2 kids with SN - one has PDA and one has just been diagnosed ASD. With both I have heard it all before from friends/ relatives/ HV (with my eldest son) "oh all kids bite/my son used to lie on floor when he played with his car/ I do not believe in labels/ its just terrible twos" and similar. The people who do not make these comments tend to be the one's with kids who are SN or being assessed. I really appreciate being able to talk to someone who understands!
I am not saying my friends/ relatives are bad, I think they are trying to be "helpful" and reassuring.
And if you take one isolated behaviour then you probably do know one kid who does it, its taking all the unusual things together, or the extent to which it takes over their life that is the issue.
I tend to just shut up about it and avoid mentioning it unless its someone else who's kid has SN!