This is a tricky one - do I punish or not?

[macwoozy]

My ds has a school/home book which lets me know what ds has been like during the day etc.

But sometimes it's not filled in, especially if a different LSA, so I'm not always getting the info.

On several occasions when I've interrogated ds about his school day, he will reveal that he's hit/pushed a child, but no note of this has been made in his book. Should I still punish him for this, even though he's admitted it to me. I worry that it wouldn't take him too long to realise it's just better to keep his mouth shut if he realises there's going to be a punishmnent, but then I'll be none the wiser. But I just can't let this type of behaviour go without some sort of sanction can I? I let him know that I'm very disappointed and upset with this behaviour.(Not that that will make any difference)

He's nearly 8 btw with HFA.

DS (AS, age 9) moved to a new school in SEptember and is no longer having such incidents but it used to happen frequently at his old school, he was always lashing out at someone in response to something or other. But I'd never get to find out directly (we weren't allowed a home-school communication book and staff attitude was to chuck the buggers out the door at the end of the day and have as little contact as possible with parents), but like you I used to find out the odd things from J.

I dealt with it by encouraging him to tell me when bad things happened so that I could help him learn how to manage similar situations in the future and avoid getting into trouble (J was always the one punished for lashing out, never those who'd provoked him to that point). Sometimes it would take me hours to find out what had happened (we used Tony Attwood's Scales Of Justice system to talk things through) but it would be clear from J's distress that there was something he needed to get off his chest. I suppose I used to challenge his behaviour in a supportive, non-judgemental way, quite matter of fact really. I'd acknowledge that what he'd done hadn't been appropriate and ask if he wanted me to help him find ways to handle the situation better (the answer was invariably Yes but it was important to him to have the choice, rather than have me force my sage advice onto him). We'd then plan how we would discuss it further (maybe use social stories, pictures etc) and agree a time to do it.

You're right, you can't let such behaviour go unrecognised but I think it has to be handled in a way that's suitable to the child's level of understanding and personal interests, otherwise there's not much point if you're not engaging with them.

The alternative is to ask his teacher to explain the situation to you so that you can deal with it with all the facts, but by that time the incident's gone stale and DS might not respond to your intervention - I do believe you've got to deal with such incidents as they happen and not let them fester too long.

I usually go with the policy of letting the school deal with punishments for things done at school IYSWIM. I then go through whatever happened with them to see if I can find out why it happened, although sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall.

If the incidents haven't been mentioned in the book it might be because the school feel that it's already been dealt with. It might be worth talking to them about it though and reminding them that you need the book to be filled in every day.

Thanks for the good advice.I feel reassured now that by trying to talk to him on why he's felt the need to hit out is the right way forward, rather than using sanctions. I don't know if the school would agree though

I do try and get ds to explain why he's been aggressive but he finds it so very difficult. It takes a huge effort to get him to talk about any part of his school day. I've tried social stories but I'm not so sure that ds can actually bring it to mind when he's so angry, he just explodes.

Ds's school have made it very clear to me that they expect me to reward/punish ds for his bad/good behaviour at school, they believe that negative behaviour at school should also be dealt with at home.

Right, off to google Attwoods Scales of Justice!