Persuade 12 yr DD autism assessment

[TheMidnightBell]

I think my 12 year old daughter may have autism. I'd like to have her assessed but my husband is very reluctant & when I've tried to gently talk about the possibility of autism with my daughter, she insists that she doesn't have it & doesn't want to be assessed. I'm looking for suggestions of how I can bring her round to the idea of being assessed or whether I should just let it go.

I know that a a diagnosis won't actually change anything but wonder if it would help in some ways. I wonder if she may need extra support for her GCSEs & I know how long waiting lists are for being assessed. I've tried explaining that it wouldn't mean that there was anything wrong with her & that it may help her & us to understand and deal better with the things she finds difficult. She just insists that there isn't an issue. Do I push it or leave it?

She is bright, caring & loving but has really struggled in year 7 & the things I thought were just quirks in primary school now seem more unusual & are making her stand out from her peers more. She wants friends but has trouble reading social cues, taking turns in conversations & noticing when she is boring people so often ends up alone. She memorises random facts, collects & arranges stones & has very specific & limited interests. She spends most of her time talking about fantasy worlds from Dungeons and Dragons & it can be very difficult to get her to engage with real life. I could go on, but you get the idea. The more I read about it, the more I think that she has most of the classic symptoms of autism in girls.

Is it better to keep trying to persuade her? She is a lovely girl & I just want to support her to be herself & make her life as easy as possible. I'd love to hear from parents with teen autistic daughters about this.

Teen boy rather than girl here, OP.

I think this is hard. No one wants to feel 'different' at 12, and most adults struggle to understand what autism actually is, never mind adolescents. I guess though that means she may not yet have the maturity to determine this on her own? You are seeing significant social differences. But these may not be being experienced as discomfort by DD?

Things can change rapidly during puberty and a lot of autistic kids experience a significant increase in anxiety around social relationships. If that happens
it's an easier conversation, as a diagnosis might bring self understanding and compassion as well as a chance to identify and mitigate sources of distress caused by the wider environment (sensory/social factors)?

In your shoes, and given the length of the waiting lists, I'd be inclined to pursue assessment, as it is possible by the time she gets to the top of the list, she may have a sense of difference, or other unmet needs at school, and may welcome the chance to explore the reasons for this. If she doesn't, you can make a decision together at that point not to proceed.

Have you posted on the Neuerodiverse Mumsnetters board? Might be good to get perspectives from women diagnosed at different ages?

Thanks you coldcouture. That's really helpful. I think she's largely fine atm & happy to retreat into her fantasy worlds when the real world gets too much for her. She does find the organisation involved in secondary school really challenging though so I'm helping her a lot with that. I just worry that things will get more difficult for her as she gets older & may not be able to deal with the increased expectation of social sophistication & organisation skills. That said, I'm not sure how a diagnosis would actually help with this. I've posted on the neurodiverse board too. Thanks for the tip.