How to deal with constant demands for treats - ASD DS 10

[TwoNote]

For example, supermarket shopping is hellish. We set boundaries in advance but he can't take a no.

We limit days out because he's always demanding drinks and ice cream and sweets - we feed him plenty.

Holidays are rural UK but can't live there full time!

Any advice?? It's honestly like having a toddler not a near secondary age child.

He's only recently been diagnosed, typical no bother at school, expert masker, so most other adults in his life think we're exaggerating his emotional meltdowns. So we have other issues, but the constant demand for treats is exhausting.

We never ate out growing up due to money, so requests like this push my buttons too.

It’s often advised to make the rules via a third party for asd dc, eg. take a print out of timings for the day and give him a watch so he knows that 10.30am is snack time for snacks you’ve brought with you, but 3pm is ice cream time - might that help? Or one free pass ‘ticket’ for a bought snack but he can only use it once. In my house, I would have to decide before hand what that might be (chocolate bar/ice cream) but if he’s ok with choosing on the spot then you don’t need to. And I would let him spend it at any time, even if just before lunch.

How would DS respond if given a set amount of either treats or money for the day or week?

Can you do a supermarket home delivery, so you don’t have to take DS shopping?

Thank you both, very useful tips.

Sadly wearing a watch irritates him! But I've done the whole if you ask again for ice cream before eg 3pm then you won't get it at all (and follow through) but the fallout is hard on me!

And yes, try to shop alone and occasionally do online, but it's not always practical.

I don't think it helps that the rest of us (dd included) are quite laid back & don't chose to live planning for every minute, so I find all this pre-empting of multiple possible events just mentally draining, and when they're combined with a meltdown anyway ...

Half the time I have a battle with DH too about sticking to agreed parameters - we're both finding it tough!

Well, some stuff can be avoided. If shopping is hell do it online.

I wonder, though, what would happen if you just said yes to treats?

In the short term eating 10 ice creams a day won't do much harm, and it might take some/much of the fascination away. It also might help him open up about how he's feeling, because you're not fighting over cornettos all the time. (Appreciate money may be an issue)

If he's getting massively upset over sweets it probably isn't about the sweets. It'll be about feeling powerless, or awkward, or different; or worrying about secondary school, or puberty, or climate change, or...

Like when adults have a shit day and eat two galaxy bars or down a bottle of wine. It's not about the sugar or the drink, it's about the stuff before.

Two things strike me.

It’s really tough when one of your dc need something at odds with your own needs, or the needs of others in the family. But it gets easier with practice so it won’t take up so much of your brain space. You might need to try lots of things before one sticks though.

I think @SusiePevensie makes a good point too - if he thinks you’ll go home if he keeps asking, maybe that’s what he wants! Exploring at aquiet time if he felt it was ok today or too much might be helpful. Or you could say “it was quite noisy at the supermarket today, that’s hard for some people. Was it too noisy for you?” Then you can talk about suggestions to reduce the problem like sitting in the car, wearing headphones, setting a time limit.

Thank you wise and lovely people.

Yes, it's hard to get my head round the fact that it isn't always about the sweets, but I think I'll try and make that my mantra 'it's probably not about the sweets'

Also, many kids with autism cannot intuitively know what's going on in other people's heads, even if you think it's obvious from your tone and facial expression. It might be useful to verbalise how it is making you feel when he asks repeatedly for ice cream etc.