At breaking point

[fruitsalad87]

I've name changed for this as with other posts is outing. DD6.5 is awaiting Assesment for ADHD referred through school after multiple requests.

We have been to the doctors on numerous occasions about her behaviour at home and have been told basically there's nothing they can do and referred us on to private child behaviouralist who haven't been very helpful at all other than basically signposting some coping strategies for us which we are already aware of.

We are having multiple meltdowns a day at the moment, they are violent and include scratching, biting, hitting, spitting in our face, pulling out hair, screaming the house down. She's also trying to get a reaction by doing the most disgusting things she can think of e.g chewing food and spitting it on the floor, blowing snot out of her nose. Tonight the meltdown has lasted for 3 hours. She attacked DD3 has left a bleeding scratch down DH's face and pulled out a chunk of my hair.

When she's not doing this she just seems to have this abundance of energy she can't release, she is rolling over the floor, climbing on furniture, somersaulting everywhere.

We are trying to stay calm and tell her we love her and that she's safe etc, we have been doing PACE as advised by child therapist.

There are no issues in the family there has been no trauma DH and I don't argue, we rarely shout, no deaths nothing I can think of that has triggered this. I feel like we're at breaking point at the moment.

She is coping incredibly well in school (y1) A's in everything for her school report (UK), not sure if this is part of the problem and she is just exhausted form trying so hard in school all the time. Again we're not putting huge pressure on her to do well in school we just tell her to try her best.

She has always been extremely emotional / volatile from about 12 months. I remember posting when she was 2/3 about a tantrum that lasted for 7 hours.

I am self employed and DH works away a lot. Im working till midnight every night after trying to get her to bed which isn't happening till gone 10 at the moment. Im just completely at breaking point I feel depressed I just wanted to be s good mum and feel like I am failing her snd DD3.

Does this sound like ADHD? Has anyone had anything similar? Where did you go to get help? Will things get better?

Sorry about the absolutely shite grammar.

If the ADHD referral is going to take a long time, you could request a referral to a sleep clinic or paeds to look at trying melatonin.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers? Do you have any sensory equipment? Many also find a trampoline helpful.

What support is DD receiving at school? Appearing to cope at school and exploding at home isn’t uncommon. It is called the coke bottle effect. It doesn’t mean home is the problem. If school was easier, home life would improve too.

Some people find Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book and a Yvonne Newbold’s resources helpful.

That’s sounds so stressful. No wonder you are ground down by it. Shite grammar is the least of your worries!

Can you channel the energy safely? Trampoline, climbing frame, peanut ball, swingball? Try to get as much out as you can.

My little boy is very different to your daughter, but when he’s getting a bit volatile getting him outside into the garden or wooded area really helps.

Have you looked into an autism diagnosis too? She could be masking at school and exploding at home. It sounds like all her anger and overwhelm is coming out. Opportunities for her to burn off her energy could be helpful such as a trampoline, swings etc. Have you mentioned any concerns to her school senco?

My son has done this , I sometimes think he has to work Through all these emotions because he wants to see the emotion of sadness on my face so he can cross over to the other side and cry and then becoming loving.
it’s almost like he thinks this is the route to it.
but he has very different difficulties- he cannot communicate so not like your daughter.

what has worked for me is removing him out of my eyesight so he can’t do it in front of me so it loses that power of getting a reaction because I can’t see it.

but he does then try and damage furniture so I’ve had to have very minimal items in his room so he can decompress in there.
doesn’t always work.

I Just wanted you to know you’re not alone, it’s exhausting, emotionally draining and just so hard on you all. distraction is another tool I use.

@Relaxinghammock thanks for your reply, school have been very reluctant to offer any support. It is mainstream school and there are 4 other children with SEN in the class. When I've approached them about support they don't seem to think there is any problem. In the new term I'm going to have to be more direct with asking for help and putting something in place to help her.

Thanks for the resources I will look them up now.

@SachiLars I keep trying to get her onto the trampoline but for some reason she is really reluctant you are definitely right as when we have done something high energy (soft play, park etc) she does seem to have less meltdowns. Thanks so much for your reply.

@Bigjamsandwich no I haven't really looked into autism. There is a family history of ADHD so that is all I've looked into really. I haven't really noticed any autistic traits but maybe I need to educate myself. She is very tactile and sociable and was an early talker so it wasn't something I thought could be a possibility. We've had a quote for a private referral who has suggested a full background which would include looking into autism etc but its an extra £2500 on top of the adhd diagnosis. We're currently trying to work out what to do. Thanks so much for your reply.

@Lesley25 she does stop if she sees that she has actually upset me. That is one of the only things that seems to snap her out of it. On the occasions where I've got upset / cried infront of her she has calmed down very quickly and been very apologetic and loving.

@Relaxinghammock I've not done a detailed diary of what could be triggering it. But I will start doing that today, I made pancakes with Nutella this morning which was followed by a massive meltdown so I wouldn't be surprised if sugar is playing a part.

It seems to have really ramped up the last few months to the point where it's every day. Before she could have gone a couple of weeks without having a huge meltdown. I have read though they 6.5 is the age where symptoms can really start to show which is the age she is now.

I think we've been waiting thinking it's something she might grow out of but obviously it's not happening. I'm just so worried there will be nothing we can do to help her and this is just going to be her life from now on. I can see how much it's hurting her and how sad she is when she is having the meltdowns. It's heartbreaking.

I wonder if she’s racing towards that emotion and that’s her “stop” sign. I know it sounds a bit far fetched but I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

instead of becoming emotional,I wonder if you could reframe that end response from you, instead of being emotional and crying I have in the past gone the entire other way and gone straight to “I love you” and bypassed that sadness emotion on my face and instead becoming a bit nonplussed , removed him into a space he isn’t in my eye-line and then when I go back in after a few minutes gone straight in with the “I love you” and love bombed.
it’s incredibly difficult when they’re punching, biting and trying to grab at you- I understand that. That’s why I think removing into a safe space to decompress and not have that trigger by watching you becoming sad , to turn that behaviour around.

Schools must make their best endeavours to meet a pupil’s SEN. You could also consider requesting an EHCNA, because an EHCP can provide enforceable rights to support.

Being sociable, an early talker and tactile, doesn’t rule out ASD.

@Lesley25 thanks so much for your insight. I am completely love bombing at the moment. I have just been repeating to her I love you, everything's ok and trying to soothe her. It's quite rare for me to get upset in front of her. If we leave her in a room she will just come out and start destroying things. She won't be left alone when she is in meltdown it's like she needs the push and pull out of her system.

@Relaxinghammock I really need to look into this more thoroughly as everything I've read about autism doesn't seem to fit other then the sensory aversion / sensory seeking / stimming behaviours that she has.

Can you use outside space, so go out in the garden and repeat the love bombing, but where she can’t take her anger out on things so she’s maybe more receptive at letting the words sink in and not getting relief at pushing breaking throwing, and deflate.

someone once suggested a boxing bag hung up in the garage and when the rage starts to make a Joke about “right let’s get those
boxing gloves on “ and doing it with them.

I am just thinking about strategies and what might work that takes you through a few more years till she maybe grows out of it.
And talk whilst your boxing. With the hope that eventually the boxing isn’t
needed as the relief comes from the talk.
it’s quite an investment though.

I also think it’s more she needs you to acknowledge her rage - which is why she’s doing it in your eyeline and following you. She wants that reaction from you as that’s her cue to deflate and she also gains the attention and acknowledgment somethings bothering her? ignoring it isn’t an option but the moving out of eyeline and non plussed reaction may help.

Also, when you sense a rage building , just before ( you’ll spot subtle signs), really praise how they’re being at that moment, lavish attention on the positive right beforehand, it may just stop the rage In it’s tracks if she learns and sees she gets more attention for the positives then the negatives. Takes a while.

I am more engaging with my son when his behaviour is great, it’s taught him (he has SLD) that whilst the negative behaviour bubbles up (and can’t be helped), it’s not to gain attention but rather to show me somethings bothering him. But it took a long time to get there .