Does this sound like SEN and if so what can I do?

[OneForTheRoadThen]

DS7 has always had meltdowns but in the last year or so they have got worse. He had holiday club today as it's the first day of the holidays as as soon as he came home had a complete meltdown. Screaming at the top of his voice, throwing things, he jumped on me and stamped up and down and hit me repeatedly. I just don't know what to do.

I have suspected he may have SEN for a while, he finds change very difficult, he makes lists obsessively and spends a lot of time ordering his cars for example. But he just gets so angry and it's like he is completely out of control.

I have raised it with school and they said they don't think he has any special needs. He is quiet, polite and friendly yet almost the moment he gets through the door he changes completely. He is doing well as school academically as is greater depth in maths and reading but struggles socially and is still quite 'babyish' compared to his peers.

Would I need to go about getting him assessed privately. Does anyone have any help on what to do when he loses it like this? I'm trying not to react but I'm feeling quite shocked and subdued and conscious I am probably making things worse as it's not his fault.

@OneForTheRoadThen - oh gosh, I could have written your post tonight!!

DTS1 is almost 8 and I wonder about ADHD - shows many of the signs such as poor sleep, young for his age, hyperactive if he doesn't get enough exercise, screen fixation - and tonight he absolutely lost it after holiday club. He had screen time, had something to eat, I asked him to spend 5 minutes helping to tidy up and... BOOM. Screaming, shouting, throwing things, hitting me, pulling hair (mine and DTS2's), would not stop despite me doing everything I could. I left him to it at one point but still, as soon as I came back with DTS2 (from upstairs, we didn't go out or anything!) the red mist descended again

I told him in the end that if he didn't stop we would have to call the police and he sobbed and sobbed, asked me not to - I said well how else are we going to stop you hurting us?! I hate using it as a threat (I've always said the police are there to help) but it's the only thing that got through to him. He's now gone to MIL for some calm down time but I just don't want to see him any more, I'm bruised and sad.

We have a couple of local charities that deal with ADD/ ADHD so tomorrow I'm going to contact them for advice - I may then contact the GP again even if it just goes down on record about his meltdowns. He hates, hates being reminded of them, hates us even talking about it afterwards, but then I hate the trauma of going through them so what am I to do?!

Oh and DP is bugger all help - just says "well he doesn't do it with me" despite the fact that he doesn't do it because (a) I spend a lot more time with the DC than he does, (b) he DOES do it but DP is a lot bigger than me so could physically manhandle him if necessary, and (c) DP sets no boundaries and lets them have unlimited screen time!!

And breathe...

It does sound like DS needs more support. Coping ‘fine’ at school and exploding at home isn’t uncommon. It is called the coke bottle effect. If school (or holiday club) was easier home life would improve too.

Speak to the SENCO again. In some areas you can self refer for further assessment. If you can’t in your area and the school won’t refer speak to your GP.

Some people find Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child and Yvonne Newbold’s resources helpful. Also, think about the sensory environment, so does DS use noise cancelling headphones, does the holiday club have a quiet area DS can go to when overwhelmed? Do you have a trampoline and other sensory toys at home? Some people find offering something to eat straight away when picking DC up helps. The school can offer support such as emotional literacy and Zones of Regulation work.

@AnnieSawyer i may be way off, but I wonder whether some of the difficulties DT1 is experiencing is demand avoidance. Have you tried any PDA strategies?

@Relaxinghammock thank you for the suggestion... I did look at PDA but TBH I think DTS1 needs the release of the BOOM! and the subsequent dopamine hit - I've seen him pick fights with DTS2 or say things like "that person looked at me funny" just to give him an excuse to have a full blown meltdown. I'm shaking still over how violent he was this time though; I know it embarrasses him (as he hates talking about it afterwards, which is one tactic that was suggested to me) but at the same time it makes him a real Jekyll and Hyde character, I'm constantly on eggshells waiting for him to find some (real or perceived) excuse for the next meltdown.

@OneForTheRoadThen I hope you are feeling better now? I found it even more frustrating today as DTS1 actually enjoyed his holiday club, then comes out and this happens... I'd kind of understand it he didn't like going but that's not the case!!

DS was exactly like this - fine at school meltdowns at home. If the school won't listen try the GP as they can refer as well I think?

When we looked back at DS behaviours from birth onwards it became so obvious - sensory issues around dressing and bathing (that was from birth), sensory seeking behaviours (cycling into the garden fence for example), lining up toys, obsessive interests, repetitive movements, repetitive phrases... The more signs you can show the better your chance of getting a referral and then the referral being accepted.

If you do get referral the waiting lists are long though. We thought about going private but were told any diagnosis from that route was unlikely to be accepted, so maybe talk to the school about it.

Schools and LAs can’t refuse to accept independent diagnoses just because they are independent.

As others have said, it is very very common for kids to be angelic at school explode at home. Lots of good advice above - one more thought: you talk about him needing to explode. Is there any way - perhaps using the explosive child methodoly - to ask him what else might get him that sense of release.

Thanks everyone! Some really helpful advice here. He had another meltdown this morning at his dad's house so I've made a GP appointment to get the ball rolling and will speak to the SENCO when he starts back at school.

I've bought the 'Explosive Child' book and am reading it. I'm looking around for a play therapists as DS says he needs help being calm.

If he really can't handle holiday club he will have to stay home while I WFH. Hopefully his younger sister will still go though

@OneForTheRoadThen does your DS say he enjoys holiday club? My DS tells me how much he enjoys it, but then it still causes the meltdowns!!

I realised that his Monday meltdown was probably partly/ mostly due to being hangry - he'd been too excited to eat much lunch at the club and told me later that they don't get breaks to drink their water - so although he'd eaten and drunk at home later, it wasn't enough. There was no way I'd have known that though

I hope your GP appointment is helpful

Hi @AnnieSawyer he doesn't really like it tbh. He has some friends from school there but he finds it noisy and busy. I think he'd prefer to be at home and he finds the change in routine difficult.

I heard back from a play therapist and it's £90 per 40 minute session which I can't afford so will have to look at something else. Hope your son is okay today.

@OneForTheRoadThen are there any more suitable playschemes your DS could go on? My DS seems to enjoy his - I just think it's maybe too long a day for him, but then I'm stuck as I have to send him for that long so I can actually work!

If there are any local ADHD/ ADD charities they may be able to advise you on what holiday support is available and also if there any more affordable play therapists? £90 is steep!!

Another meltdown from DS today he was tired, had a long day, didn't get enough to eat... usual story really. I did warn DP of all of these but he just ignores the signals and prefers to faff around on his phone for hours until eventually DS1 goes BOOM...