Can't cope with my 11 year old any more :(

[CreatingHavoc]

She is autistic. It's the last week of primary school. I get it, she's massively stressed and anxious. But her violent outbursts and aggressive behaviours are now dangerous and myself and her siblings are getting hurt. I don't know how to stop her any more. I got so frustrated with her this morning after she pushed a door shut in my face that I ended up shouting "Stop it! Just stop it!" at her really loud, which is not like me at all. I'm at my wits end with her and I'm sick of being hurt by her because I'm trying to protect her sister. I try and leave the room with her sister only for her to follow us and continue being violent towards us. I can't cope any more. She is nearly stronger than me and it's scary. What do I do?

Are you under a Paedatrician at all?

If so, I would be seeking some clinical psychology input to support with difficult behaviours, and possibly a conversation about safety planning. (If budget stretches, I'd see someone well-regarded by families locally, privately, just because the demands of secondary transition, plus puberty, are enormous, and any support you can wrap around both you and her at this stage would be helpful).

Does she have an EHCP? Is there any SEMH provision for her included?

She's very lucky you get it, and understand the origins lie in her anxiety - being compassionate and not blaming her is so important to her self-esteem and your relationship. Is there anything more you can do to work out specific triggers, and adjust the environment accordingly? If things need to give, and demands on her need to be reduced, can you roll with this, in order to keep her in a zone of regulation more of the time? I know it's difficult, if a lot of this is to do with the stress of a school environment, which ends up being played out where she feels safe at home.

Do you have some support of your own where you can vent? Counselling/therapy can sometimes be a lifeline for parents coping with violent and challenging behaviour.

Some people will suggest seeking a social care assessment. I'd suggest proceeding mindfully here; if you are contemplating this path, try and get assessment by the disabled children's team who will understand this situation. Unfortunately funding cuts mean autistic children are sometimes (potentially unlawfully) excluded from specialist services and assessed by generalists who will work from a perspective informed by safeguarding and an interest in identifying parental deficits. Whilst this can still be helpful, it can also be a mixed bag, and some people have unnecesarily difficult experiences due to poor levels of understanding of the challenges autism can pose within families, and a lack of familiarity with appropriate strategies.

Sending you best wishes. Although it is a bit of a taboo topic, lots of parents of autistic childrenn experience this. Because of the developmental lag, in practice you are parenting a much younger child. The situation will improve with age as her cognitive abilities, including self-monitoring and self-regulation, develop a bit more and better strategies for expressing distress and discomfort become available to her. Try and prioritise your relationship and everyone's well-being, even if other expectations have to give in the meantime.

What support is DD receiving? Has she received an enhanced transition to secondary?

Does she have an EHCP? If not, you should request an EHCNA - IPSEA has a model letter you can use. If she does already have one, you need an early review because it isn’t currently meeting her needs. What therapies (e.g. SALT, OT, MH therapies) and support does it include?

If the end of term is so overwhelming and distressing for DD, is it possible for her not to attend if that would be better?

Have you had an OT assessment at home? Looking at making the house safer and better meet DD’s needs.

Some people find Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child and Yvonne Newbold’s resources helpful.

If you haven’t already had social care assessments, you can request a carers assessment and an assessment via the children with disabilities team. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use to make the requests. If you have already had assessments you need updated assessments, as you require more support.

For siblings, contacting your local Young Carers service and Sibs could help.

If any of your other DC are under 5 Home Start may be able to support you too.

Thank you both, her EHCP has only just been applied for as she wasn't previously in need of one until this year really. I suspect it will be rejected even now. She is on the waiting list for some 1-1 counselling therapy, which she should hopefully receive in Sept/Oct.
She was discharged from her paediatric psychologist once diagnosed (in 2020) and we were left with not a lot of help. She wasn't as violent then though, which is the biggest problem we now have.
I don't really know where to turn in all honesty, I've contacted the gp and they said they can't offer anything other than the counselling she's already on the waiting list for. I don't fancy contacting SS as that's a whole new level of stress that I'd rather not have.

I do thankfully have weekly counselling to help me cope but her aggression is a huge trigger for me as I was around violence as a child. I can't tolerate it at all and it makes me feel physically sick. The worst thing is that she's going to be taller and stronger than me very soon. I just hope she learns some self control by then.

I'm not sure if her transition to secondary has been enhanced as such but we have met with the year manager and Senco and she has been to some additional sessions. She probably could have done with some more sessions but she is mildly reassured by the ones she has had. It's the last week now so doubt they will be doing much else.

Is the LA sticking to the statutory timescales? If the LA refuses to assess or refuses to issue, appeal. The vast majority of appeals are upheld.

If the LA agrees to assess, make sure you request any assessments g. SALT, OT, psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist that are necessary e.. This way, DD doesn’t have to sit on the normal waiting lists.

Then, if an EHCP is issued, ongoing therapies can be included. Again, without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists, for longer and more frequently than would otherwise be available and therapies that aren’t otherwise available.

Personally, I wouldn’t reject social care assessments without seriously considering it. It can provide access to support and respite you wouldn’t otherwise receive.

Puberty could also be a big part of the out bursts??
Do you think there is a pattern to her outburst or is it constant??
Dd started her periods when she was almost 13.
Dd knocked me over once, her dad ended with cracked ribs.
She shoved him into some coat hooks.
Has her secondary school offered I think its time out cards or any other support for September. So they can show the teacher a card and they can leave a lesson.
Have they offered a safe space or somewhere autistic children can go to??
We didn't fancy mainstream and dd went to special school for Yr 7.
What is she like in her primary class??
We usd an usbourne book about growing up to help her deal with puberty.
I kept a diary once her periods started to know when she needed more time out.
Found it hard to express why she got angry, but eventually, think autism with puberty is harder on autistic people.
Is dd able to express why she gets angry, once she calms down??
Hopefully your get her ehcp sorted out soon.

Ouch, that sounds painful. We've only had bruises so far. I think puberty has a lot to do with it too. Part of the problem is also how I react to her meltdowns and violent episodes, my brain sort of freezes up and it's like I'm in fight or flight mode and can't think of how I'm supposed to handle it. I need to learn to not get so upset by it and try and think clearly.
She tries so hard at school and masks a lot so they see less of the issues but they have seen more of what she's been like at home over the last 6 months or so. She is in a small class and has a safe space, which helps.

Secondary have said they can do flash cards for her but they don't currently have anywhere for her to go when overwhelmed other than outside the classroom :/ not ideal. They got requires improvement for their SEND provision so they are supposed to be making lots of improvements for their next ofsted inspection. I really hope they are anyway! The Sendco did not come across well though but the year manager and the head seemed OK. If she doesn't cope well, there is a better school not too far away but all her friends are going to the local one so that's where she wanted to go.

I think timescales re the EHCP were 6 weeks for a decision but I could be wrong on that. If we haven't heard by the time she starts secondary I'll be chasing them up. If it gets approved we will definitely be pushing for an educational psychologist and various therapies.

Bear in mind your fight or flight reaction is a powerful means of keeping you both safe. Focusing down on a small number of considerations that reduce the risk of harm is no bad thing. Do you need to do some safety planning? Do you know what helps enables her to 'come down' from the height of arousal? It took me a long time to understand that talking makes it worse. Do you have a way of withdrawing from a situation which feels unsafe but still enables her to feel safe?