I'm finding it hard to accept that this is my life

[daisy5678]

I know I was really happy recently because the LEA agreed to do the full time Statement and put in autism outreach for J, but he is being such hard work at the moment - so volatile and violent and controlling - that I'm realising that there's very little that changes just because I've got them to put on paper what he was already getting in school anyway. It doesn't change who or how he is.

I don't want him to be autistic. I want him to be just ADHD, because then at least he might have grown out of it, or found a medication which controls it.

We saw his psychiatrist at CAMHS today. She has changed his medication from Equasym to Strattera, which has fewer appetite supressing side effects, apparently, and works well with kids with ADHD and ASD.
So fingers crossed...but she didn't seem that hopeful that it would solve all the problems, understandbly.

The poor psych - J went home with his dad after the weight and blood pressure checks and then I stayed to ask 'a few questions' - was there over an hour. She has lots of good advice and is really patient, but she can't say what I want her to say: that he isn't autistic or that he will stop being autistic and that life will get better.

She did say that his high intelligence means that the prognosis was good in terms of learning control and being independent, but I can't think ahead of where we are at the moment. Neverending violence and tantrums and obsessions. And soon I won't be physically strong enough to hold him and he can't calm himself down. At school, they have two people to hold him each time he has a meltdown. There's only me and I'm not that strong. So I asked the psych, what happens then? And she said that services would have to step in if that became the case and he was still that violent(what does that mean???? I should have asked, but I think I didn't really want to know at the time)

I just want to see some light at the end of the tunnel, but there never is any. I just get hit, slapped and verbally abused! (Not by the psych, by J!) I did end up crying, which I hate, when she said that I need to have more time for myself, and I said that I find it really hard asking ex and family for more support because I'm so aware that they're thinking I shouldn't have had J in the first place (EVERYONE thought that I was too young and too clever to have a baby at 20 ) but I know that they all now think in their heads, well, we did tell her.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that the Strattera will have some effect... Really finding life a big pile of poo at the moment.

Oh sorry! Don't know what else to say, its the long term that scares me too.
If it was just for a week or a month or even a year you can see an end to it but when its for life its so hard.
Hold on to those positives though,as she said he has the intelligence on his side & he can learn to control his outbursts & natural maturity (however mixed up with asd) does play a part.
Ask for help, insist on help, you need to take care of yourself too!
I hope the new meds help. max x

Sorry you're feeling bad How old is your son? Do you get any respite through social services so you can have a break, eg. at weekends and during school holidays? Does his dad have him to stay regularly? I think the psych is right you need to have more time for yourself. Are there any parent support groups in your area? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to think of things that might help.

I try and take it a day at a time with dd but sometimes the thought that I may be changing her nappy when she's 30 and I'm 60 is a bit overwhelming (althiough the consultant quite chirpily told me we might not have to worry about her getting to 30 ) but I am sick of CP and sick of epilepsy and sick of therapists and statement reviews and all the rest of it.
I think we all get like this.
I don't know how old your ds is but my ds1 at 7 was a total nightmare, under tables, aggressive, couldn't stand noise/lights/dogs/buttons endless list. Thats when I took him out of school. He has/had Asperegers/HFA. Back in them days (10 years ago) they did bugger all except blame the parents.
He's now 14 and is a polite young man and has taken himslef back to school (he likes the structure). He still has Aspergers but being intelligent he has strategies to cope (most of the time) I can now see him leaving home one day and living independatly as a computer nerd.

I do feel for you givemesleep, and the only piece of advice I once got that I found comforting was from a mum of a much older ASD boy, who told me that even autistic kids grow up, and therefore grow out of lots of behaviours. Am myself going through a hard time with my ASD 5 year old at the moment, and PMT never helps (or is it the menopause in my case, which apparently is like PMT all month long and for about 5 years!!!!!). Big hugs to you. I am just making it through the days to my first fag and drink of the evening.

So sorry you are feeling bleak. The future with all its worries and uncertainties is such a hard thing to cope with, not helped by the day to day wearyness. -I often think that what support there is, is too little too late! Its as if they wait for the (parents) cracks to burst before there is any physical/practical/ respite help.
I have days (going through denial phase at the moment!) when I wish ds was nt or that he could grow out of it or I could teach him to respond calmly like an nt child! (Pink elephant days!)
I do hope a medication change assists, and J grows into a calmer phase!
Do pursue respite or sn clubs if there is anything.