ASD diagnosis and dad asking for a second opinion

[Onestepawayfrom]

So my DD 4.8yr has now been formally diagnosed with ASD. I have always thought there was a reason behind some of her behaviour so this diagnosis has almost come as a relief as it confirmed what I felt in my gut. Nursery had always felt that dd didn’t have ASD and felt she just had a slight speech delay. I always found it frustrating that dd didn’t exhibited the same behaviour that she does while with me at nursery.

Now following the diagnosis my ex partner wants to seek a second opinion. Which while he is fully entitled to annoys me as he has never once contacted the nursery or other health professionals about dds development until yesterday! Has even had professionals work with dd without my knowledge. And now because he doesn’t want our dd to have ‘sick child syndrome’ he wants to drag out the process.

I just needed to vent, I suppose a part of me thinks what if she has being misdiagnosed.. I don’t think she has but nothing is impossible. Just so many what ifs

Guess I’m trying to see if anyone has experienced similar and how you got through it.

It’s quite common for dads (and grandparents) to be in denial about any issues. They try to rationalise it away.

@openupmyeagereyes i think what I’m concerned about is a second opinion reversing the diagnosis when I do believe she has ASD. Also during the process of getting a second opinion if support is removed.

Was she diagnosed by the NHS or privately? Who is dh seeking to get a second opinion from?

@openupmyeagereyes she was diagnosed by the NHS, he is seeking a second opinion from the NHS.

Have you had the report from the paediatrician that outlines their findings? How accurately does it read in your opinion? If you haven’t had it can you persuade dh to wait and see what it says?

Support at school should be needs based, not diagnosis based. Though depending on the school some people find it difficult to get support without a diagnosis. Does she start school in September?

@openupmyeagereyes I haven’t seen it. And this is my ex partner so highly doubtful I’ll be able to persuade him to do much but I shall try.

She starts school in September, so unsure of how easy it would be to get support

Second the point on it being common for dads and grandparents to get stuck in the denial stage. Annoying isn't it? It means you're left to advocate for your DC on your own while the adults around you are against you.

The first thing this made me wonder is - how long would it take to even get a second opinion via an NHS paediatrician? Given the wait times just to be assessed the first time, this feels like quite a luxury to go back for a second appointment! If you're sent to the back of the queue for a reassessment then presumably you would have years for your ex to come to terms with reality?

@Scratchybaby luckily for myself my family is amazing and all with a lot of professional and personal experience with ASD. Also I have managed to get my ex to wait until we have the full report before he thinks about getting a second opinion.. apparently he wasn’t in a massive rush to seek one 🙄, obviously isn’t that concerned but regardless its something. I suppose what concerns me is he view on ASD and any disability is they won’t amount to anything etc etc very much a perfectionist.

also much like you I thought it’s taken almost 2 1/2 yrs to get to this point - I cannot see the nhs saying let’s hold up another family to look at a case we’ve just seen. The timing issues let alone funding for it isn’t something I can see them offering.

@Onestepawayfrom good for you if you have a supportive family. That's wonderful and will make such a difference for you and for your DD ❤

Agree that getting stuck in denial might in part be due to a lack of understanding of the vast range of autistic experience and achievement. There will be challenges but it doesn't mean the person is doomed to a lesser life. Until I started learning more to better support our DS I had a really outdated idea of what autism meant too - but knowledge is power and it's what gets you out of that denial stage and into a more optimistic, proactive mindset. Hopefully your ex gets there too.

Not quite the same, but our experience recently was that the community paediatrician wouldn't give DS a written diagnosis of ASD until both parents had individually given consent to it. He said it was quite common for one parent to get upset about it or not accept it.