What if I am wrong...

[squidler]

To shorten a really long story, I finally went to see my GP about my concerns over DS1 who is nine now. From an early age he has had obsessions, he finds it hard to look at people and hates being looked at by others, cannot switch activities. He had a dreadful year at school last year, with his teacher deciding that he was a lazy, forgetful and unmotivated child, who had it all 'up there' but couldnt be bothered to get it on paper.

This year is a little better in school - he is extremely motivated by external rewards (which I find hard as I practise Gentle Discipline with no rewards/punishment schemes, timeouts etc) - last year, he didnt get even one acknowledgement/well done and he was devastated. This year, his sole motivation for going to school seems to be to win a voucher at year end for 100% attendance.

He behaviour/concentration has been getting worse and worse, he is having 3 or 4 major meltdowns a day at the moment - his ability to show any empathy towards his younger brother is nil (except when he thinks he is being watched and then demonstrates remorse/understanding), he is being excluded from friendship groups at school, it is taking him up to one HOUR to get ready for school some mornings. He wont wear trousers that are not a certain length, or belts, or eat something that he has not eaten before -which doesnt sound big, but it is severely limiting as this has been the case for the last 7 years, so his diet is not great. He does eat tons of veggies, so for that I am grateful.

I poured all of this (plus a bit more) out to my GP a few weeks ago. His response was that it sounded to him as though there was a good possibility of DS1 being somewhere on the autistic spectrum, most probably Aspergers. Earlier this week, I had a letter for referral for a paed, but - and this is where it really hurts - what if I am wrong?

What if DS1 is just fine, but I am a being a crap parent not coping with 'normal' childhood stuff? I already feel guilty for even talking to the GP and that is mixed with relief that someone else actually thought there might be something else going on for him. But I cant seem to shake this feeling that I am crazy and DISLOYAL.

Sorry - not so short. I have looked at the criteria for Aspergers and he seems to fit most of them like a glove. This is really really hard

It sounds bloody hard, squidler. No experience myself but saw your post and couldn't pass it by without saying I hope the GP can help.

There is nothing disloyal about you trying to help your ds.

it is a horrid feeling when you know something is wrong. but i think your feelings are normal. i don't know about autism. cp is more my thing. Please don't beat yourself up for being a loving mum.

I think it's very normal to swing between thinking something is wrong to feeling that it's all somehow your fault. You really are doing the best you can for him by getting him checked out. Have you spoken to the school SENCO - as even without a diagnosis, SENCO might be of help getting class teacher to understand his issues, and when it's not just naughtiness but something else.

squidler-you are just trying to get help for your DS. Don't feel bad about it. I have two DSs with a diagnosis of Asperger's. One is just 9. the other is 19. Your DS will find life much easier with a dx if he does have AS-and it sounds as if he does have a lot of traits. I know when I first read about AS after it had been mentioned as a possible dx for my youngest, I just knew was him. My 19 year old was dx just last year and I really wish it had been done sooner.

Squidler - I'd have gone to the GP with those concerns and in fact have done for dd (7.5). Parental instinct that things aren't as they should be is usually strong and sadly right. I felt exactly like this before our referral appt came through, but it was clear to the paed on the day that all was not well with dd. Her symptoms I feel are more to do with ad/hd, but with traits of ASD and AS. Go with your instincts, but also with an open mind if you can. I feel for you - it isn't easy, especially when they struggle in the playground.

I suppose the disloyal feeling comes from talking about all his 'problems' - it sometimes seems that he is a nine year old in five year old's body, if that makes any sense at all. It is like he is growing up, but not developing in terms of behaviour and cognition - although he is curious and loves learning new things (most of which he turns into obsessions though..) For the last 3 years, it has been Lego as the major obsession.

Thanks edam and 2shoes and TC - this is my first posting here and its nice to feel in company of others that are understanding. I have spoken to the school and they were quite suprised but when I started to explain some of the behaviours, they did see why I am concerned.

Message withdrawn

Tiggiwinkle - that is it really. Part of me really wants him to get a dx so that I am better able to understand his world so that I can help him! I must say that when I first saw the critera, I nearly cried.

aero and oops -thank you for your notes. I AM going to go ahead with the assessment. From what i have read, it can be really hard to get a referral, so I suppose the fact that the GP was so pro-active about him being referred helps me feel that someone listened to my concerns and not just asked if he eats too many sweets or has enough sleep...

It feels so much better to get this out - its hard to talk to anyone in RL about this stuff just at the moment, so thank you so much!

Message withdrawn

squidler i was in the same place as you a few weeks ago. but since being honest with myself and admitting something was wrong i feel like i am now doing the best thing possible for my DS. I am waiting for assesment in april and tbh it can't come quick enough, the whole 'is he, 'isn't he' thing is enough to drive you mad.
So don't beat yourself up... if you are wrong, then fantastic, you're wrong. You have nothing to lose by going through with it.All you're doing is being a loving concerned mum.

Squidler,

We were spent most of our daughters young life worried about her and being assured everything was okay. It was only when she got to 10 that anyone else stopped to think there might be something going on, and aspergers was first mentioned to us.

To be honest it came as a huge relief to us, and came in time to save my relationship with her as it was disintegrating fast.

The biggest change was me changing my parenting style. Because of all that had been said I had convinced myself I was raising a 'normal' child and treating her as such.

Melt downs are few and far between and she is coping well in mainstream without much help now.

We don't walk on eggshells but have learned by making some accomodations to her life is a lot easier.