Can't do this anymore

[summersausage]

I keep losing my cool with my 9 year old! She presses every single button I have all the time. Everything has to be on her terms, exactly when she wants or she screams, runs or lashes out. I know me reacting badly and shouting adds fuel to the flames but I just can't do it anymore. Dad struggles more than me so there's never any calm. We can't do anything or go anywhere without her doing something dangerous/ ignoring/ demanding things.

Our extended family are now struggling more with the behaviour too and we are not invited to family events as often and I know it's because the behaviour becomes more pronounced the bigger she gets. I don't know how to distinguish between autism and being defiant/naughty so am probably getting it all terribly wrong and feel like a failure. She used to be a kind and polite child but a lot of her positive qualities are disappearing and I am so lost.

Any advice for a desperate mum?

Firstly, don’t beat yourself up. It’s frustrating in the extreme - it’s ok to feel frustrated. You don’t have to be saintly.

Secondly, can you give an example or two of what you mean by ‘on her terms’?

God everything and I feel a lot of time it is a power struggle. Things like where we go and when, I want to go to shop A but she demands we go to shop B/ I need to go before lunch, she wants to go after because she is starving (but is not and will leave the food). If I ask her to sit somewhere she will sit somewhere else, if I ask her to get an item from her room she will be a different one. It seems petty but it is relentless. Think it's worse as I work full time in a senior role so am rushing a lot, if I get up early to make her breakfast so she doesn't have to go to breakfast club it is always the wrong food/drink/plate/cup.

Have a look at PDA strategies. Some people find Yvonne Newbold’s resources and Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book helpful.

What support is school providing? Does DD have an EHCP?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DD.

Very minimal support from school and still waiting on EHCP after mediation as they refused to assess initially. DD masks massively at school so although she is still challenging she will do her work. I will have a look at the suggestions thank you

Is the LA sticking to the timescales following mediation?

The school should be providing support. They must make their best endeavours to meet a pupil’s SEN.

They are now, the Senco is a god send. Formal diagnosis is pretty recent, but we had earlier diagnosis for DCD with no other support. I've had to fight tooth and nail to get school to help, took me 2 years to meet the senco. I applied for the assessment, I applied for the EHCP, it feels like school wanted to ignore the issue but I want my child to have fair opportunities.

I've over compensated so much with what I think is possibly guilt and I think I've made a monster. She is very spoiled with time, experiences and gifts, I've made a rod for my own back and now I'm drowning

Can you try giving her a choice between two things both of which you’re ok with. Do you want to sit here or here? But both options are ok.

Also, what is she trying to achieve through her behaviour? Why is she delaying?

I might be wrong, but if you are in a senior role at work, are you usually telling people what to do and they comply? Maybe when you’re stressed you slip into it? I know I do - and it really doesn’t work at home. So something to be mindful of.

You could be right, maybe I need to change my approach or possibly expectations. I really struggle with ignorance and not doing as asked, I do think that sometimes the behaviour is bog standard kid behaviour and a part of growing up (which needs to be rectified) but what if it is part of ASD and I'm getting it wrong and that's why she's getting worse ! It's so so hard, we all just end our days crying

Take a look at 10 days to a less defiant child, I think it would be a good mindset shift for you.

Just ordered, thank you

Look into PDA trust me ...