Bittersweet visit to Santa's grotto

[mullgedwine]

Took my 2.2yo twins today to see Father Christmas - had been looking forward to it for ages, you get decent presents, a polariod photo with santa and a 3 minute trip around the boating lake in their pleasure cruiser boat, for £4 per child which i don't think is too bad...
DS(nt) was a little puzzled by the darkness of the grotto, and having to sit next to a man in a red costume, but he seemed as interested as a 2 year old could be - very pleased with his cadbury selection box, and looked suitably happy for the photo..
DD was another matter- she screamed for the 5 minute queue, and bellowed the place down when put next to Santa. I explained to him that she was autistic and did this all the time, and Santa was very understanding. Santa asked her"what do you want for Xmas this year" and then he asked me "what do you think she'd like, then Mum"? and i involuntarily said " a new brain, please Santa".
Then, on the way out, someone said to me "i feel really sorry for you having a daughter like that".
Haven't been able to stop crying since - feel really guilty saying what i said to Santa,,DD doesn't know any different and is probably happy in her own world, i wouldn't swap her for a "normal" child, and as for that woman... managed to utter something suitably sarcastic to her on my way out.
Feel pleased that ds enjoyed it, but its very bittersweet with dd. I guess this is all part of having Christmas in Holland, rather than Italy

Mullgedwine, hugs to you. It's so tough isn't it? Apparently last year our SN playgroup's visit to Santa's grotto made Santa cry, as he thought that the kids were so lovely, and so different to all of the kids that go & visit him demanding stuff. Bless him. Really glad that didn't happen this year otherwise I'd have cried too.
I think Christmas is a really poignant time, as for me it sends it home that dd still doesn't have the skills to be able to play with any of the toys that are appropriate for her age group. It's also not where dh & I had imagined we'd be when we thought about her first Christmas. However, I know that it's going to be a really special time for us all, and that as long as she has access to her marathon blanket she'll be happy :)

Ignore that awful woman, you have to pity her for not knowing how fab a Dutch Christmas is xx

How awful for you mullgedwine
What gives people the right to say things like that. Even if your daughter didn't have special needs then it is still out of order.
Why don't some people keep there opinions to themselves and there big mouths shut
I know how you feel as I have a special needs daughter with communication difficulties!
Hugs to you and don't let some stupid woman ruin your day, she is just not worth it!!!!!

Hugs to you {{{}}}
Blossomgoodwill

Ahh, don't get yorself upset. We ALL say things we don't mean to our kids,families,friends,colleagues whether or nor they have s/n.IMO it's far worse to always be treating people with s/n with kid gloves. Doesn't d oanyone any good!
For what it's worth, I think you are v brave taking 2 two year olds to see FC. I'm sure the woman was just trying to be sympathetic in her own clumsy way, and I bet FC has loads of stories to tell about the things that harassed parents come out with at times like this!

(Curious to know what being in Holland as oppposed to italy has to do with it anyway!!)

Moondog, this is the reference:

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills – and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you many never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Aaaagh, now I see!!!
That is a lovely analogy by the way!

It's xmas in Beiruit not Holland :o

I gave up on Father Xmas with ds1 last year. he went as part of a school trip- carefully arranged so he didn't have to queue. He refused to look at Santa and screamed to ge tout (it was quite dark) I was trying to contain him and kind of shouted at Santa "can we have the present please", snatched it from him and was pulled out the door by ds1. Decided then the whole Santa thing was pointless and stopped trying to get ds1 into the xmas spirit!

Took ds2 yesterday- he was slightly shocked by the reality but hasn't stopped talking about it since. I feel no guilt for not even trying to take ds1, he doesn't understand what its about and has no interest.

Don't feel guilty about your comment- I think the awful comment came from the woman actually- how dare she feel sorry for you - stupid cow- I would have wanted to kick her in the shins.

I only really went for ds's sake, as why should he miss out just because his sister is in another place, but i couldn't very well leave dd in her buggy outside. I would have got a lot more rude comments for that. Might do it next year with a sign around her neck saying "i'm autistic and hate Santa Claus, but my brother loves it so i am happy waiting for him"

It's tricky isn't it? DS1 is 5 so at school so it is easy for me to do things with ds2 when ds1 isn't there. We've struggled with weekends- taking them both to places- but have now finally given up and if we want to take ds2 somewhere special now leave ds1 with my parents (we're very lucky they can manage him). We're even leaving him to go on a week's holiday this year (only 20 miles down the road, but ds2 will enjoy it and ds1 really can't handle holidays anymore). Hoping as he grows he'll be able to handle more of this stuff and we can do more family stuff again.

Oh how awful having twins... really hard... Ihave this problem with my two but being different ages it means that I don't have to do the same thing with them and the comparison isn't so strong.

I think a lot of kids don't like Santa anyway... its hard for autistic kids though with all the changes. I found Christmas pretty hopeles with ds but finally this year age 5 1/2 he really enjoys it so here's hope for you. also it will get easier when your ds can understand the difficutlies of his twin.

Oh mullgedwine, I'm sorry, ime Christmas throws up lots of challenges for the autistic child! When DS1 was two he was terrified of presents - we had to unwrap them for him, out of his sight - and I was never brave enough to take him to see Santa but I am absolutely 100% certain his reaction would have been exactly the same as your dd's.

Please don't let the stupid woman get you down, and good on yer for managing to think of something to say to her, the cow.

Best wishes,

Dinosaur

Just came on and read your post babe please dont cry and dont beat yourself up over one remark which you didnt mean that way.....you obviously love your dd very much and i can only guesshow hard it must be with twins.
I have been on this week crying my eyes out over my ds2 we all have bad days and i am really sorry this has been a bad one for youxx
Please forgive yourself and give your lovely twins a great big hug

Don't feel guilty, I say things like that, mostly to shock other people and make them think. I think you did the right thing to take them both but its hard on you, what about taking someone else with you? or going with another mum with a child with SN? Mind you, its another year before you have to worry about FC but on other occasions. I wouldn't have attempted it with 2 the same age and one with ASD, you're very brave and trying to do the right thing.
It is Beiruit though

hi
dont fele guilty at all we all say things we dont mean...as for that lady she should be disgusted in herself ignorant so n so....even if she thought it she just shouldnt say it....grrr
hugs hun and well done for being such a caring mummy

don't worry my dd (nt) screamed when we went to see Santa when she was 2 and we got odd looks. SO higs just carry on and do what is right for your twins she may enjoy it next yearand that silly woman will probably not be there

Agree that you were very brave to battle the crowds to take dd and ds to see FC Mullgedwine.

We went to Hamleys early yesterday to take his Hornby Train back and queued to see FC and his reindeer. Luckily the que wasn't too long so I stood in line and he wandered about looking at the trains. My ds really thought that this was FC (he was very realistic - old man, not a young man with a realistic beard and even little glasses).

Afterwards we went to see the street entertainers in Covent Garden as ds loves them and was picked to help the entertainer. He had hundreds of people watching him and was brilliant (though he did chat alot) and came away saying "I can't wait to tell them at school that i'm famous!". Bless.

Maybe next year will be better but as Davros says, it may be less stressful to go with someone else - so that it's easier to deal with any situation that arises. (((hugs)))

Thanks everyone for your messages -yesterday was the lowest i've felt since dd was born - and when dh got home from work, i'd stopped crying but couldn't find the words to explain what was wrong, i was all wrung out. DH works 6 days and i find that taking other children is worse, because i'd worry that dd was spoiling their enjoyment. at leaset on my own, i can be self contained. Need to find another mum with an autistic dd in my area to go with next year. Will advertise on MN.
Thanks again for being so supportive, I'm a lot perkier today and things are back in perspective. Milge

Glad to hear you're feeling better and more positive today Mullgedwine.

Would it be possible to take just an adult with you, one that wouldn't mind looking after your dd whilst you did the odd thing - like seeing Santa with your ds? I say this, but I know from experience it's not something you can do very frequently as you are relying on your friends good nature and like me, don't want to put on them. If my sister is with me when we are shopping, just her presence allows me to relax a little bit and if she sees things begin to kick off she can step in and divert my ds (or me!).

Either way, glad you're feeling better. x

Glad you're feeling better Mullgedwine :)

Please don't feel guilty about what you said to Santa.....

I can't believe your posting. I feel emotional after reading it.I came home yesterday after my visit with my 3yr twins to see Santa and was going to post on here but didn't have time to.

Ellie screamed as soon as she saw him, which I wouldn't have minded but she then went on to slap her face (her own face not Santa's!!) My Husband had to take her out so Grace had to get both their presents.

I remembering thinking when he asked what they wanted for Christmas "a healthy brain"!!

Not sure if that will make you feel any better, but at least you know you are not the only one who thought it!!

I nearly had to walk out as my eyes all filled up. I just want to be able to do everyday normal things without worrying what Ellie will do or whether we can go to certain places because of what Ellie will be like

Don't beat yourself up over it. There is nothing wrong with saying about having a new brain. I am sure that would be the first thing on a lot of Mums lists on this forum.

Just wish there was such thing as Santa and he could make it come true.........

mullgedwine- glad you're feeling a bit better. The third year is a difficult one- mainly because you don't really know where you are heading iyswim. I spent most weekends of the third year in tears on the way home from some "family" attraction or something. (Say the words "godstone farm" to me and see me shiver :o). And I didn't have ds2 at the time to make the difference more obvious, or to have to consider when we were out and about etc.

I think it can be helpful to have some sort of phrase ready for this sort of situation. I find that a fixed smile and a jolly "oh the joys of autism" works quite well. But I still say stuff about swapping my child and things at times- it's impossible not to some days.

mullgedwine, sorry you had such a bittersweet experience but glad you're feeling better. Really brave of you to attempt it in the first place. Am seeing father Christmas myself tomorrow with DD and DS (but with somebody with me). Last year, DD pulled his beard off in sensory excitement (and it's our ex-Portage therapist's Dad!). The year before that she totally ignored him. This year, who knows?