To have a second child - autism experiences

[Allthetoast]

My wonderful DS (7) is autistic (with a profile that he is extremely intelligent, struggles with social Comms and needs a lot of help with this, some sensory needs, some challenges and school refusal). We absolutely adore him.

Looking for experiences (positive and negative) from people who have had a second child after a first with autism (or decided not to and it worked out ok - or who regretted it). Or experiences of people whose parents were in our position and how it worked out for you!

We haven't had a second child, simply because he takes up soooo much of our time and we have had to adjust our whole life and expectations around him. In recent years we have been just coming up for air and maybe considering it, but still life revolves around him AND we are also shattered and feeling our age by this point!

We are now in a position of "now or never" (I'm 40) and wondering whether to try for another. Thing is, I'm not sure he would appreciate sharing our affection, and whether he would find a baby and then toddler and small child actually really difficult. He finds them very unpredictable and dirty, he is a bit scared of them (a bit like with dogs!) Home is his safe space, where we can tailor things around his needs, and respite from a challenging world. We are a very close little family. Adding a baby into the mix could be hugely disruptive and unsettling for him.

On the other hand, the idea of him growing up without a sibling makes me feel sad. Especially the thought about that when we aren't here anymore. I know there are no guarantees he would get on with them even when older though. DH and I are close with our siblings which makes me feel even sadder for DS to miss out on this.

I know the chances are high we would have another autistic child, and I am not put off by that. Of course if they had other difficulties coexisting that would be hard though. The main issue is whether it would actually be a good idea for DS or whether he would actually be happier an only child.

In terms of me and DHs wishes - DH would ideally like another, although can see all the drawbacks above. He would be be content to stop at one if that's what I want. I haven't got a particular urge to have another, except that feeling that I'm depriving DS of more people to love and to love him, which makes me sad. I also feel very very tired at the thought of another!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts! I know noone can tell me what I should do, but it would be great to hear from people on what they did either way, and how it worked out :)

It's good that you are looking at the possibility/probability that a second child would also be autistic. My two children both are. We are incredibly glad that we have two children and they have each other. It's not possible to imagine life without both.

And - it's very difficult to meet both their needs. Both have lots of language, neither have an intellectual disability, and their needs are still high. They both need us a lot, and often their needs conflict.

What I would suggest is that you think through what your resource "pool" is that you could draw on.

Can you survive on one salary if needed? Are you very comfortable and could buy in extra support if needed? DH and I are both currently not working, this greatly helps us meet the children's needs, but it means we rely on benefits, and longer term this is not ideal.

Do you have family close by? What is your support network like? This is a critical factor. We don't have family close by and our children don't settle with babysitters or carers (yet) so this is a big factor for us as we're tired all the time.

My first is autistic and he’s just turned 4. We started trying for baby number 2 when he was a little over 2 and honestly back then although we were worried, we really didn’t think it would be autism.

I fell pregnant just as he turned 3 and I think at that point we were totally aware that he without any doubt had autism. A lot of the things he did we couldn’t pass them off anymore as it just being a phase, or just being his age etc.

I can’t lie I was terrified, my first was my entire world, I love him so much and I couldn’t imagine another baby in our lives. I actually spent a large portion of my pregnancy regretting it and feeling like I was making a huge mistake. I remember every night I’d lay in bed with my son and I’d count down in my head how many days we had before the baby came, how many days we had left of it being just him and me.

I will start by saying my son has made huge progress in the last year. He started nursery and I never thought he’d like it but he does. He was still breastfeeding to sleep and for comfort occasionally right up until he was 3.5 almost. I never thought he would give it up but he did. He was still sleeping in our bed this time last year but for the last 7/8 months he goes to bed all on his own, in his own bed and in his own room.

He now can communicate his needs so much better than last year. He now takes his coat off, shoes off etc. It was almost like he never used to even be aware he had them on before and would have probably slept in them. He now has much more understanding about the structure of the day. For example waking up, breakfast, nursery, come home and have lunch etc.

The best thing of all is that he actually now acknowledges us. He takes you upstairs in to his room and asks you to sit down to play with him, he used to push us away last year and didn’t want anything to do with us, it used to make me so sad. Anyway the reason I’m writing this is because I was so worried when I got pregnant that my son would make no progress and it would all be horribly hard, but it’s not.

My son LOVES his little brother, I really mean he completely adores him. Strokes his face all the time, wants to cuddle him, knows his name, asks you to sit down when you’re holding him so he can just sit down by him and love on him. I take so many photos every day of the two of them smiling at each other, I can’t believe I ever worried about it.

My second is coming up on 5 months old and I can’t lie the idea he could have autism too does really terrify me, I think about it all the time daily. So far though he is the complete opposite to how his brother was as a baby. I never thought my first had autism at all when he was a baby but after having my second I can see that the signs were all there. He used to smile at lights, he was hard to please and reaaaallly hard to make laugh, like you either had to tickle him profusely or hit yourself 😂 Actually he would laugh at the tv too: He never laughed at anything random like you see so many kids doing online, my second laughed the other day at me holding up a chewing gum packet and then wiggling it, full on belly laugh! 😂🤷🏻‍♀️He never used to look for you in a room, he was totally obsessed with the tv from the minute he laid his eyes on it (still is) and when I look back his eye contact was very poor, he was always looking at the phone when taking a photo whereas I notice my second looks around it at me.

My advice would be to go for it if I’m honest and from my own experience it has not been as terrifying as I thought it would be. Yes we have some hard moments and there will be more to come I’m sure but I LOVE the bones of these two children, they fill me with so much joy every single day!

Hello both, thanks so much for replies - really appreciate you both taking the time to write them. I loved reading them.

@SimilarToAClockShape , very wise words on thinking through support networks, which are a little lacking for us tbh. We are in a similar position that we don't have loads of support. Most of our family live far away, or are not understanding of DS' needs or our parenting style, or unable to help in other ways. Some support from some family and friends. We don't often leave DS alone with others.

Fortunately we both have flexible/part time and mainly home working jobs so we have been able to manage things that way as much as we can. I think that could continue although financially it's not ideal. . I think it would be really hard to give up the increased independence I've had since he has got older though. Absolutely agree that it's helpful having the flexibility although it sounds very hard in your position having two as well, and financially tough, although so lovely to hear it's still been totally worth it and it's you have no regrets :)

@L0ts that's so wonderful that your two have brought each other so much joy, that sounds absolutely adorable :) Also very helpful and inspiring to read. We were in a similar position with very late breastfeeding and self soothing and self care. Everything has taken a lot longer and he still really needs us. We wouldn't have him any other way of course!

I can also 100% imagine I would be really worrying and feeling sad, counting down the days we were together before baby arrives if I fell pregnant, so it's really reassuring you also did this and even so things turned out well and you still have no regrets! Thanks for the advice just to go for it.

Thank you both. I am the type of person who does agonise over the pros and cons of everything so sometimes I do need to take a leap of faith, but both your experiences have really helped I think shift things in my mind. The age gap for our DS if we went for it would be much bigger of course but I guess that can bring positives too!

I have 2 DDs, with a pretty close age gap. We were not aware that DD1 was autistic when choosing to go ahead with number 2. DD1 had a regression shortly after DD2 was born (although in hindsight there were a few signs there before too). DD1 definitely found it tough having a new baby around, it may or may not have worsened the regression - I don't know and I think the science on regression is vague.

She hated it when DD2 started crawling / being in her space. Now (DD1 4yo and DD2 2.5) she is more tolerant, but no interest in playing together. It's also really rough often on DD2 with all the meltdowns, DD1 needing her own way just to avoid everything kicking off, etc.. I do feel sad for DD2 that she doesn't have a sibling to play with but I wouldn't consider another, because in part bc of resources (time / support), risk of another high needs autistic DC and also the negative impact I think it would have on DD1. She does have a really sociable time at nursery though, which I'm glad about.

DD2 is I think NT, although I recognise what others have said re scrutinising development. I was really fearing a regression around the same age that DD1 had it.

Good luck with your decision.