3 year old behaviour - questions about masking

[upandmum]

Would a child who is masking in school be thriving? As in talks really positively about school, enjoys it, has friends, is excited to go, the teachers have no concerns about?

Would a child having a meltdown as opposed to a tantrum feel guilt after? Apologising, empathetic and upset that they've upset me, asking how to make me happy again etc? They definitely feel like meltdowns to me but I'm unsure about this aspect

Would a child on the spectrum or with any additional needs seemingly improve behaviourally for an extended period of time and then revert to old behaviours?

My 3 year old has never been an easy child, we've had issues with an out of control temper and violence towards us (scratching, hitting and biting) but these have mostly been under control for a long time and although normal tantrums were common his, what I deemed meltdowns, stopped.

Lately the out of control temper has returned, as has the violence and the meltdowns. I don't want to offend anyone using that term when he hasn't got a diagnosis but with his tantrums he will scream and shout and kick off but only for a short amount of time and I can distract him out of it. Today for example he absolutely lost it in a shop and I could not calm him down, he went absolutely wild screaming hitting biting, I managed to practically drag him out to my car as I had a baby in a carrier and couldn't pick him up too. I got him into the car and could not physically get him into his seat, he was hitting biting screaming punching everything. He pissed himself through all of his clothes, he then took his clothes off and continued to piss all over my car. He went on and on and on. He screamed to the point he suddenly just kind of flopped on to the seat and fell asleep. He's been apologising since and getting upset that my face looks sad and asking how he can make me happy again. I'm just torn between wondering if I need to pursue a diagnosis or if he just really struggles with his emotions sometimes.

I feel like if he had ASD or something along those lines he wouldn't be so happy in school? The teachers would have some concerns? (He's in the nursery class and does 5 mornings a week), his old private nursery never raised any concerns either, he's fine when he stays with his grandparents. He was fine with us for months but has seemingly gone back to his old ways lately. I'm just feeling defeated and like a terrible mum.

A desperate bump!

Ok, first of all have an imaginary cocktail. Your choice, but with a fancy umbrella and easy on the ice. Or a nice cup of tea and a packet of chocolate digestives, whichever would make you feel better. It is horrid when stuff like that happens.

Second. I've no idea if your kid is masking - but he is getting overwhelmed and melting down (that's not a tantrum) about something. You're clearly a caring and capable parent so it isn't going to be anything obvious.

It's really interesting that you say it stopped for a while. Has anything changed? New flourescent lighting in the shop? New clothes with itchy lables? Has he moved up a class in preschool? New house? At 3 it can be hard to get them to tell you what the problem is, but I bet there is something.

Out of Sync child and Explosive child are both helpful books - tbh I think Explosive child is just solid parenting advice whatever flavour of kid you have.

Nothing wrong with seeing if he needs a diagnosis, but waiting lists are years long.

DC may feel guilt after a meltdown. I don’t know if your DS is masking but a DC who is masking could appear to be thriving. Nursery not raising any issues doesn’t mean there isn’t SEN. Have you spoken to them?

DC with additional needs can make steps forward (e.g. improved self-regulation, new skills) and then regress. But, DC can also regress for other reasons, for example some regress following the birth of a sibling.

Thank you for replying! Oh I can come up with a million excuses for it - a new baby sibling a couple of months ago, he's just had two weeks off school for the holidays so out of routine, we've had a lot of long days out and family visiting those two weeks so he's tired, we've been trying to get him sleeping through the night in his bed (he always wakes up around 1am and goes back to sleep in our bed until the morning, lately we've been resettling him in his bed so he's waking up three/four times a night for atleast 20 mins and is definitely tired. I'm sleep deprived (newborn) and exhausted so probably snappier than usual and less patient than I usually am. There's been a lot happening! But I don't want to do him an injustice by explaining it away because is that reaction ever really normal? Do you know what I mean?

Oh no, I don’t think the meltdown at the shop could be considered within the realm of normal. That part of my post was about regression sometimes being ‘normal’.

I see, thank you. I will look into those books. I just feel so defeated.

I'm not sure I'm much help but my 3 year old is not dissimilar in terms of having periods with frequent meltdowns (20-30 minutes of inconsolable screaming, crying, hitting, begging for things he doesn't really want because he can then let rip when told "no", unable to be distracted out of it) and then periods where they disappear for weeks or months. The bad periods do map on to life changes but they are also bad to a level that isn't typical. And he also apologizes afterwards. I think they are meltdowns because he genuinely seems to scare himself with how out of control he is.

I would arrange for a sit down chat with nursery about how he is there. When we did this (prompted by behaviour concerns) it turned out they had noticed other things that we'd noticed too. Still, vwe've been the ones pushing forward the SEN process and raising ASD as a possibility. I could also describe my son as having friends and enjoying nursery. I don't think he's totally happy in nursery but I also wouldn't describe him as unable to cope.

Talking with nursery has also helped me feel like I'm starting the process of doing something, which has helped with the horrible, helpless "what the f**k am I going to do about this" thoughts.

My DS's behaviour can sometimes match what you're saying, although his speech isn't nearly as developed as your DS's (well done to him and lovely you're getting that complexity of language from him!) We are awaiting an ASD diagnosis (though to be clear I am in no position to know enough to diagnose your DS with the same!).

Agree that the Out of Sync and Explosive Child books are great though - there are great parenting tips in there for children with or without ASD so no need to worry about barking up the wrong tree.

And finally, also agree with @BusMumsHoliday that doing something - investigating, trying out different parenting approaches from what you assume is "the norm", getting advice and allies at nursery - all this is doing something and aside from the benefits it will obviously have for your DS, it will do no end of good to your own mental health to feel a bit more on the front foot! The worst bit is the floundering at the beginning, not knowing why things are the way they are!