My son just called me a hoe and out his hand around my throat

[Freshstarts22]

Embarrassed to write this. My son is 10, ASD and ADHD. His meltdowns are astronomical and he gets very angry. Has always hit me although less so recently.
When he gets angry it’s relentless and he will bully me for hours, literally follow me around insulting me and trying to get a reaction.
Today I walked out of the house for a bit of respite and he literally followed me to the front door and screamed out that I’m a hoe and a bitch. People heard him.
When I came back in and remotely switched off his iPad he came into my room and tried to get a reaction from me again, when he didn’t get one he put his hand around my throat. I cried. Not from pain but just sadness. He then laughed as he had the reaction he wanted.
it’s still going on now. He’s not really angry now, just unsettled and pacing round, making comments and trying to try a reaction.

I’m so sad this is my life. His Dad treated me like this so it’s massively triggering. I split up with his Dad when pregnant and have zero contact so my son has never witnessed or heard anything like this.

I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Do you know what causes the meltdowns? What does he say about the behaviour when he’s calm?

He doesn’t like to talk about it when he is calm. If I push it, he’ll get angry again but I think that’s because feeling remorseful makes him uncomfortable. Emotions in general make him uncomfortable.
The triggers are generally over things not going his way or electronics. I think he has PDA traits.

We actually went out after I posted this and ended up having a lovely day. No treats, just a nice walk in the sunshine.

Screen time is a massive trigger here too, in fact it’s pretty much the only trigger that causes him to get so angry. Our ds(9) always says he doesn’t mean it but he wants to make us as upset as he is in that moment which makes sense even if it is too over the top from an adult perspective.

I’m glad you had a good day regardless. Is he at a mainstream or specialist school? What support does he get?

Sorry this is so tough. Are you getting any properly skilled support for neurodiverse violent and challenging behaviour (from a Psychologist from the local neurodiversity service or CAMHS?)? Have you done safety planning with anyone?

He’s at a specialist school but I’m not convinced it’s the best fit. There’s no real support apart from the obvious like small class sizes, more tolerance, things like being able to take movement breaks.

CAMHS have been useless. All they offered after much pushing was a type of CBT that he won’t engage with.

There’s basically no support from anywhere. I want something that will help him but don’t know what to ask for. He won’t try medication for ADHD.

That's rubbish.

Have CAMHS offered you any support as his parent or safety planning - sorry if this is Granny and eggs but if you are still on their books, or have a Consultant Paedatrician, can you write requesting more family support to work on behaviours plus safety planning, with examples of what's happening?

I know it is really difficult, as being subject to this triggers your own survival mode, especially if you have had previous experiences. Counter-intuitive but DCs behaviour may becoming from a place of extreme anxiety and the prolonged engagement with you may be a dysfunctional way of trying to use you to calm himself?

People always recommend Yvonne Newbold's webinars/Facebook group and Ross Greene's The Explosive Child.

The PDA Society's PANDA model is worth a look in terms of strategies.

Guessing he has got an EHCP? Any therapies specificed on that? Did you manage to get a sensory assessment? Scope to review school placement at annual review?

Is there a secondary transition this year or will he stay where he is?

It won't be your life forever.

You need an early review of the EHCP as it isn’t currently meeting DS’s needs. Does it not include SALT, OT, MH therapies? Have you spoken to the school about how DS is at home?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS.

Have you had a home OT assessment to look at making the house safer/better meet DS’s needs?

Some find Yvonne Newbold’s resources for VCB helpful.

Sorry @Freshstarts22 , just read that back - meant it's rubbish to be stuck in this position without properly skilled support for you, given escalating violence arising from neurodisabilities. It's too much to 'hold' all by yourself, however skilled you are as a parent.

His EHCP review is 4 months overdue. I keep chasing it. I’m reluctant to change schools as he only has one year left. He’s only been there just over a year and the change was so traumatic.

I absolutely do not want a social care assessment as I do not want any input from children’s services. Realistically what can they do anyway.

But no, the echp does not include any kind of therapies. I had no idea, and still don’t really, of what sort of things I should be asking to be included. I was tricked into agreeing to this school under the pretence it was a therapeutic school and it definitely isn’t. He has nothing there at all. He recently got seen by SALT for the first time after I pushed and pushed (bearing in mind School can arrange this). This was a few months ago and I’m yet to see a report.

I have read the explosive child, I try my best but it’s not always easy.

Ultimately as difficult as it is for me, it isn’t me that needs help. I need qualified people to help him learn how to manage his emotions. I need school to be better because his behaviour is better in the holidays usually.

Do they use anything like Zones of Regulation at school?

If the AR is late email the Director of Children’s Services threatening judicial review.

You don’t need to know what specific SEP DS requires. Provision in EHCPs is taken from the reports, so has DS had a SALT, OT, psychiatrist, clinical psychologist assessment? What do those reports and the EP report state? Do you need to request a reassessment of needs?

If the EHCP is rubbish, and it sounds like it is, not all the problems will be due to the school. Using your SALT example, if it isn’t in the EHCP it doesn’t have to be provided, and you are lucky it has been. The school won’t receive funding for it. So in that example it isn’t the school that is the problem, but the EHCP.

What provision is currently in F of the EHCP?

I absolutely do not want a social care assessment as I do not want any input from children’s services. Realistically what can they do anyway.

Why? You want professional help so why don’t you want to go down an avenue that can provide this? They can provide support, they could provide respite, they can provide access to mentoring/therapy, they could provide help with DS managing emotions/you coping. DS is only going to get bigger and stronger you need support now to improve and manage the situation.

NVR might be useful sometimes run by camhs sometimes by other services not sure what area you are in so unsure what will be available. Social care assessment may increase access to support although I know it’s often something that feels uncomfortable.

Not sure if you have had better experiences in your area @FloatingBean, but here, as OP says, Social Care will not provide supportive interventions themselves, they will assess, and refer to specialist agencies for health/behavioural support. So unless risk assessment is merited, it could be a more direct/quicker option for OP to get referred straight to a specialist service (if there is a referral route to achieve this).

Appreciate there are some carers things that Social Care gatekeep (respite etc.).

BtW Cerebra have done some excellent research/analysis of Social Care guidelines and LA practice which explains why this results in problematic experiences for a lot of SEN families.

@stopthepigeon in many areas those “specialist agencies for health/behavioural support” are only available via specialist referral or even only via social care therefore there is often no other route to such support. For example, the aforementioned NVR courses are, in some LAs, only available via social care. And, as posted, things like respite. Limiting the potential support she receives just brcause she doesn’t want children’s services involvement is short sighted, especially as it sounds like respite is needed and there is potentially significant risk at the moment.

Social care can provide support in every LA in the country. Like anything you have to fight for it, but it does exist and is possible. I have helped parents on MN and IRL up and down the country to secure social care support. No it’s not easy, but when is anything related to SEN. OP’s DS has an EHCP, which sounds like it needs appealing, therefore she can ask SENDIST to also look at social care provision. Parents can also complain, request an independent review and then complain to the LGO, JR may be possible.

BTW you say your social care don’t provide support/interventions themselves. However, LAs have a duty to provide certain things, including some support and interventions, whether they do that themselves or via third parties their duty under the Chronically Sick and Disabled Persons Act 1970 and the Children Act 1989 is non-delegable, so they are the ones ultimately responsible.

Personally have found the fastest route is via the Consultant Paed (assuming DC is on the books of one) if it's a specialist health-led intervention (eg. Psychology) that's required. Is your experience related to support specifically for violent and challenging behaviour?

My experience is with a range of needs, including VCB.

In many areas paeds wouldn’t have anything to do with it, and where they do the support I mean isn’t just health related such as psychology input (which is SEP so should be in the EHCP in F anyway) and the consultant wouldn’t be able to provide the social care support, only the health support.

Thank you for the helpful replies. Will come back and reply properly later.

I just wanted to say though, carers and respite is not something that would be useful as he would absolutely refuse to go. Luckily I have the option of my parents looking after him but again, he won’t go. There’s no way he would go with a carer or have one in our home or attend any group type activity.

Freshstarts22 you know your son better than anyone, but just to say that if you wanted (you may not) to achieve any of those things you’d have to do it in baby steps and it might take a long time to build up to it but be worth it in the end.

hey I hope you managed to get some help re your son, I just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same, my daughter is 8 and I am desperate for her assessment date to arrive (for a definitive diagnosis) in the hope I can access more services, I am under no illusions I will have to do this myself as no one has helped me (bar my GP who is also pushing for a quicker assessment) but there is no support, I just jumped on here to read your post and wanted you to know you are not alone, many including parents, myself are very sadly going through this (your post resonated with me as the behaviour is so similar.....Good Luck! (p.s Also school a big trigger for my daughter, as during holidays also calmer)