Special Needs Teacher telling me that "The World Doesn't Revolve Around Your Son"

[MUM23ASD]

...i won't go into the boring details....but trying to get the school to understand that my 14yr old AS son DOES THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES ROUND HIM....he perceives things differently to the others in his class.

She also told me that the girls he called 'sluts' (sorry ...its a nasty word and i told him off for saying it....but he insistsa that is what they are.)...ARE INFACT LOVELY GIRLS...but they asked ds1 if he liked men...so he says they are slags...that is HIS VIEW...hers is that they are lovely.....

she then gave me a speech about how they appreciate his needs (she stumbled over the word autism)..but that they are also responsible for preparing ds1 for the 'big wide worlkd' and that he has to learn that 'The World Does Not Revolve Around Him'......(that last bit is EXACTLY her words)

so i tried explaining that i am not coming to her with a sob sob story of my poor darling son who's being teased etc....i am talking about AUTISM...ASPERGERS....and that we are dealing with an EGOCENTRIC child....

i've just looked up EGOCENTRIC....should i give her the meaning by letter!!!!????!!!!
..........."An egocentric person has no theory of mind, cannot "put himself in other people's shoes," and believes everyone sees what he sees (or that what he sees in some way exceeds what others see.).....

(munchhausens strikes again!!!)

deep deep sigh. there's a huge difference between you and her working together to help him deal appropriately with mildish bullying/unpleasant comments and you think that "the world does not revolve around him".

...and earlier i posted a thread where i ate a whole malt loaf...and i wonder why? as soon as i get stressed i eat.

daft as a brush (her, not you or ds). Sadly there seem to be an awful lot of people around who just cannot think. Many of them in apparently responsible jobs.

Jesus Mum23asd, this is a SN teacher who doesn't understand SN!! Is your boy in a MS school?

thing is school get the 'drugged up' version of our son...he takes concerta for ADHD....so he is calmer at scool than at home.....if he was not on meds...and he reacted how he can do at home when his meds have worn off...and he did half of what he does to his brothers to other peoples kids...then she'd be calling the shots....but cos he takes meds...he copes much better....and they think that cos he looks ok...he feels ok.

yes...mainstream and not statemented.

in english and maths he gets 'floating' TA help (not guaranteed 1:1...but usualy is for half of lesson)

and this phone call she made to me was in response to a letter i wrote to her wher i specifically asked that she NOT phone me as i get stressed...that she SPECIFICALLY phoned my HUSBAND..

so this morning i get a call...her asking me if it was convienient to talk...me being caught off guard- her thinking that if she called me i'd be less likely to argue with her as the last time she spoke to my husband he was very assertive....

so... i am really fed up as i don't like using the phone...that is partly why i wrote to her...and now i am scared to answer ther phone as i am too weak to refuse her call.!!!

my husband said i should have said that she must call him...but i just couldn't.

And I was worried about a whole packet of cream crackers!
Do write your son's teacher a letter on his needs, quoting what she said and how you respond to that, and send a copy to the SENCo too. Maybe more meetings so you can 'iron out the waves' together?
Perhaps she meant that her classroom cannot revolve around him because she has no idea how to deal with Asperger's in an integrated setting?
Funny, 'no theory of mind' is high on my list for DS's school. I offered it to the school, suggesting that it may stop us having to have meetings so often about trivial things which are enormous to him.
Our biggest issue is that school won't communicate problems he's had; so I get the meltdowns and don't know the triggers.
How many ASD kids get labelled as 'gay', cos they don't know how to socialise with the girls?

Well, she's blunt and she's hard, but, really, she's got a point. The world will not change anything about itself to accomodate our children's needs. And it is so very important that they learn this if they possibly can. So it's up to us to do what we can to help our children to cope with the world, to help them learn how to function in it.

So instead of coming to you and saying "the world does not revolve around your son" which is a hostile way of putting what is basically a valid point, what is she proposing to do that will help you to help your son to understand this to the best of his ability? She can't just come out with these statements, she needs to identify specific things that can be worked on. Targets.

yes and no Hecate. school can be an extremely cruel place - the sort of behaviour that is commonplace at school is not so usual in the grown up world.

I'd feel better if ds1 was supported by a TA 1:1 all the time...he's in mainstream school with 1500 students...he's drowning...has no raft... and the lifeguard is not always on duty to rescue him.

he is naive and lacks common sense...and if he were in a 'special school' he'd get 'life skills' education as well as maths science and english.

i frequently see teenagers from a school for aspergers visiting wilkinsons/tesco in town...wandering around with support workers...clipboards in hand...learning about daily living skills.

This is NOT covered by 'normal' PSHE in mainstream school.

...also when he is a man...he will be able to choose where he works...whom he socialises with etc...whereas at school he has no choice.

also...if you had a baby and the nursery you paid to care for the baby was awful...you'd change nurseries....however once they are at school we just have to put up with whatever the LEA provide...unless we can afford private schooling...which we cannot.

I can't understand how this person can be an sn teacher and then say this?

I don't believe your son is being supported properly, and I do think what hecate said was a generally good point, but this sn teacher has ignored your request to phone your dh, and she is obviously ignoring your son's needs and he isn't getting the proper support.

can your dh telephone the sn teacher and make all the points you want made and to ensure she absolutely knows to call him?

I can't really understand how a school of 1500 children can be good educationally for any child,they are the battery chickens of the educational world, I can't imagine there are too many 1,500 pupil private schools out there, but I suppose that is another debate...

thanks for that...DH is going to call her tomorrow ...and plans to shred her for calling me...as i have spent the whole evening going over and over this...and he feels that she contacted me knowing it was the easy option for her.

Clearly this lady has no understanding whatsoever re your son and I would pull her up sharp for phoning you when you have specifically requested no calls.

On a wider level however, if she is a TA they are often not trained enough or at all to work with AS children. These children have a very hard time particularly if there is no Statement behind them. I don't think school actually appreciate his difficulties at all.

How would you feel about applying for a Statement for your son now?. I realise he is now 14 but its not too late. BTW were you previously told that he would not get a statement anyway?.

There's nothing to stop you yourself applying for such a document. www.ipsea.org.uk have lots of info and model letters you can use.

thanks atilla.... i was at the brink of applying for a statement...then saw the paed last week and even she said he'd not get statemented.

i'd got my head around ignoring teachers for saying that...as i understand that they are not qualified to say who gets a statement...but have been really put off by the paed- as she has been seeing ds1 for 7 years...and has backed me in many plights...and for her to say that...makes me very doubtful

what do you think????

I was told by Ds consultant paed that he would not get a statement, and now he has one (and is at a special school), so they are not infallable on that one! I will admit it took nearly 3 years!

that IS good to know!

i just keep thinking what have i got to lose?

malt laof.... yummm..... good job no car today LOL ot I'd be off to Asda.

'Dear teacher, as a Mum my world clearly does revolve to an extent at least around my child's sn, that is both inevitable and desirable. As a person with Autism, my son's needs also clearly revolve around him- this is perhaps not desirable but also inevitable. As a teacher of Sn children paid for the priveledge, your world should, in paid for time, revolve to an extent around my son's needs. This is sadly and clearly not inevitable, but definitely desirable. My son and I are fulfilling our sides of the bargain quite well; I am not so certain about you'.

Inflammatory perhaps????

LOL

OH PEACHY!!! THAT IS REALLY SO GOOD!!!!

I am so tempted to send her that...but agree a bit imflamatory!!!!!

but only a bit!!!!

i have persuaded dh not to call school today/tomorrow- as they break for half term- and i could do without her daring to phone me again before the hols!!! (i've got 2 more malt loafs in cupboard....and would rather they stay there...unless you fancy popping in for a slice!!! ....and i've just demolished 2 chelsea buns....and have treated myself to a pecan plait from tesco.....so really don't need her phoning to let me loose on any more food....i really am bingey at the moment...and cannot wait till tomorrow night when my boys are safely at home with me!!!!

(remind me i just said that...when i am desparately pulling out my hair dealing with ASD events!!!)

HI Mum23asd,

Re your comment:-

"Thanks atilla.... i was at the brink of applying for a statement...then saw the paed last week and even she said he'd not get statemented.

i'd got my head around ignoring teachers for saying that...as i understand that they are not qualified to say who gets a statement...but have been really put off by the paed- as she has been seeing ds1 for 7 years...and has backed me in many plights...and for her to say that...makes me very doubtful

what do you think????"

I'd apply for the statement regardless. I know of someone who is now 16 without a dx and will as a result now need a full assessment done to attend college (this will confirm dx). This should have been done years ago but parent was put off by various bods (school and other so called specialist professional people) saying that he does not need such a thing. Well they have been proven wrong.

Paed is talking crap, it's all designed to put parents off applying for such a document for their children where there is clear need.

There is much pressure put upon LEA's not to issue statements (funding is a big issue along with many of them now devolving powers to schools) but if you can obtain such a document for him, it could make things a bit easier for him at school. LEA's make the decision re statementing (or not as often is the case so you will have to fight for it and appeal to obtain such a document especially if they say no).

I was rather chuffed with that meself

I'd probably send it in a temper though LOL

...i have just taken that clever bit of writing to my parents....and my dad was impressed...he reckons its only the last bit that is imflammatory!!!!

I have stuck it on my kitchen memo board....it will be like a mantra to me!!!

p.s...my dad is a man of few words when it come to letters...he often rewrites any that i need to send to make sutre that i get my point across ...so for him to compliment you is a great thing!!!

All hail Peachy!

LOL

I like your dad, sounds as if we'd get one!.

Peachy - that was an absolutely ace letter!

Impressive Peachy! I'd hide in the stock cupboard if a letter like that arrived! Lol!
I've also copied it for future use!