ADHD and mess

[Fillyfollyfoofoo]

We strongly suspect DD(age 11) has ADHD, working with school to persue an official diagnosis.

I really want to support her, I know some of her behaviours are outside of her control and I can cope with most things. We try hard to be as positive as possible with her but I am struggling so much with the mess she creates, her bedroom is ridiculous. Literally it is dangerous to walk across the room, there are plates, glasses etc on floor with clothes and toys on top. I have tried so many times to clear as much clutter as possible so there is less "stuff" but she can honestly create mess from nothing.

Every couple of weeks I do a huge clean up with her, it can literally take a full afternoon to tidy. Within a couple of hours it's a mess again, art materials all over, paper cut up and scattered, change of clothes on the floor shoes kicked off, bedding pulled off. I've tried to stop eating in her room but she forgets the rules and within hours she's back to taking stuff in.

She is comfortable sitting in her room when it's an absolute tip, she doesn't see the problem. She drops stuff on the floor without thinking, so many of the things she really likes end up broken or lost, and that does upset her. She just can't focus enough to put things away properly .

I really hate seeing her sitting and sleeping in a room that is so messy, it's the main source of stress and arguments. Does anybody have any strategies they could share that could help, any advice would be appreciated?

Fist bump back at yer.

It's really difficult with natural consequences in this situation - I've tried ignoring the state of the room, just close the door and wait for her to feel the consequences of no clean clothes, broken things because they're left on the floor etc. It literally gets to the stage that her room smells. Her clothes look so creased because they've been left on the floor rather than hung up that she looks unkempt and really scruffy. All these things bother me far more than they bother her. I've just started with giving her one very specific task to do in her room each day in the hope it's something she can manage and feel pleased about. Today she had to bring out any glasses and plates... she brought 2 plates and 4 glasses out (there will undoubtedly be more still in there). Tomorrow I'll ask her to bring out her school uniform for washing and ironing... wish me luck.

Good luck! Sounds like you are doing really well.

I've started keeping clean clothes out of the bedroom, or they just disappear into the chaos. I make dashes in to whip dirty clothes off the floor when DC is out, or in an especially good mood, as doing it any other time results in confrontation.

ASD and ADHD here, so we have a special interest in the mix involving a large collection of drinks bottles, as well as a need for a high level of personal control, demand avoidance and major problems with exec function.

I have discussed with DC's Psychologist...they were suggesting being pretty pragmatic about it.

Like you, on the rare occasions when I have been permitted in to blitz it, within 12 hours I will find all bedding on the floor, all drawers of chest of drawers emptied onto the floor, school bag emptied onto the floor, dirty cups and plates etc.

Hopefully they will grow out of it...

Thank you Equalbutdifferent. I really like the idea of having essential clothes outside of her room. I'll give that a try.

I was your daughter (I had undiagnosed ADHD) and was constantly shamed for being so messy as a child which did a lot of damage. Strategies that involve natural consequences wouldn’t have worked for me, I literally didn’t have the executive function to be able to do what I was expected to. I won’t give you my life story but I will give you some hope for the future by telling you that I am now a relatively tidy and clean adult - it will never come as easily to me as it does to an NT person, but I have a nice home that I keep mostly clean. Just keep on supporting your DD like it sounds like you already are 💐

Seasidetrains thank you so much for sharing. Can I ask if there are any strategies that could have helped you?

Thanks @Seasidetrains. The natural consequences in this case were that if all the mugs and plates accumulate in one room we will reach a point where we can't easily eat or drink. To clarify: there wasn't a demand attached that DC brought them out - I was equally happy to collect them.

I think a lot of the things that would have helped me are to do with the not-great situation I grew up in - I literally had no agency or ownership of my environment, which didn’t cause my adhd, but certainly didn’t help it. Also I don’t want to make unhelpful generalisations as everyone’s adhd is different… but with those caveats, I think it would have helped me to have an overview of WHY dirty washing needs to be separated and brought downstairs and where that action fits in - like a process diagram, because for my brain, unless I actually saw something happening (washing being brought downstairs, put in machine, washed, put out to dry, folded, brought upstairs) it didn’t exist, and I was really bad at seeing my individual actions as part of a bigger process, if that makes sense. Like, I would not really connect the action of bringing down washing with having clean clothes the next day! Not sure if that’s at all helpful or even makes sense but happy to answer more questions x

Thank you for sharing @Seasidetrains. I am sorry you didn't have a great sense of agency when you were growing up - that sounds hard. I am going to try a process flow diagram with the washing cycle. With this I think the issue may be to do with time blindness - as there is quite a lag between starting washing and having dry clothes available.

May I ask, in terms of school and executive function challenges, was there anything that helped? Any strategies/tools you have discovered subsequently that you wish you'd been able to use in school?

I’d love to say yes but the thing that’s helped most is just gaining awareness of my adhd how it’s impacted me, and being gentle with myself. I took meds for a while with average results and I’m off them now. I do think that more knowledge/experience of the world as I’ve got older has improved my ability to think globally, and that has had a knock on effect on my ability to do big projects and stay organised and focus on goals etc (I just completed a phd so clearly it’s not impossible for me to focus any more!) Ive tried all manner of productivity tools/lists/apps but the only thing that helps me with organisation is a very visual week-to-a-page paper diary where I can lay out what I need to do in a very clear way - and I also have a feeling that the physical act of writing in it helps my brain to process it and make it more real in some way.
you sound like a lovely mum and your daughter is lucky to have someone who is committed to supporting her. Just be kind to her and to yourself Xx

Thanks @Seasidetrains. I will try and talk to my child about this.

I am in awe of anyone doing a PhD but with ADHD that is awe is even bigger. Huge congratulations. (In addition to DC's diagnosis, I have to confess a personal interest as I feel as though I may have several ADHD traits, but have not sought a diagnosis (yet?). Like you I write to help mental processing, and love to immerse myself in research, but have never managed to function conventionally in academia...you are inspiration!).

Our DD is currently on the Pathway for ASD & ADHD. I try to do a quick sweep of her room when she's not in it. So will take out dirty dishes, empty the bin (and try to pick up the rubbish overfill from the floor), open a window and take a load of laundry.

Until she's more regulated she's simply not going to manage it herself and I don't want to Shane her, my M constantly told me I was Dirty, Mesdy and Naughty.

Another chiming in to say: I was this kid. I remember in my teens some organised friends came over and helped me clear out my bedroom. There was 13 bin bags. 😬

Over the years I have also developed the skills you need to keep a tidy and clean home, but it did take a long time and I still struggle with it. One thing that has worked for me is: every time I leave a room, I take something with me that needs putting in it's right place. Bringing down a mug every time might help?

Can you have a checklist for her? Keep it very simple.Every morning, make bed, put dirty clothes in laundry bag. Before you go to bed, clear the floor. Once a week, spend an hour tidying, followed by the treat of her choice. I think you have to structure and gamify it for her, but focus on making long-term improvements rather than making sure everything is done perfectly.

If the room or her clothes smell, please tell her. Looking back I'm sure my PE kit must have stunk because I never took it down to be washed, but I honestly thought that's just how PE kits smelt. I was completely in my own little world, but I'd have been horrified if I'd known.

Hope that essay helps...

And just to say you sound like a lovely mum and this must be very frustrating to live with.

Thank you so much for the advice. I'm not always as sympathetic as I should be. I grew up in a home that was not clean, it was embarrassing to have friends over. I knew they talked behind my back. Now I realise my mum probably had very similar issues to those I see with DD. I recognise my worries about DD might stem from my own demons. I really want her to feel good and build self esteem. She gets frustrated with herself at times, she is the child that will look like she's been dragged through a hedge 10 mins after getting ready. We've been talking lots about the way ADHD can affect some people and she's relieved to see that some of her issues are actually symptoms.

I've worried so much about building her skills for the future to enable her to live a happy and independent life. It's such a relief to hear some of you have been able to overcome issues and build those skills.

How are things now op? Currently stressing over my own dd's messy room and wondering if anything suggested here will help.

Would she be able to dump the plates etc in a plastic washing up bowl in her room? That’s containment of one thing. The bowl can then be brought down each day and maybe build on this? I have similar with my son and I like an orderly space to function in and tidiness.