I can't cope any more

[christmastreewithhairyfairy]

DD 12 has adhd, on the surface and in other ways she appears 'normal' but on the adhd scale she's pretty extreme. She can do literally nothing by herself. If she isn't supervised constantly in the mornings and evenings she would never get changed, wash, do anything in fact except sit and look at a book or just stare into space. If she's reminded to do a thing she starts and then immediately stops, it's not like she can be told and then left to it even for a minute.

All that would be OK (and of course I know it's the case for many many children) if it wasn't for the fact that she's so defensive and angry if given any help or instructions.
Me: we're leaving in 15 minutes
Dd: I KNOW. I just LOOKED AT MY CLOCK
Me: have you done deodorant?
DD: I was ABOUT TO

I could cope with the having to supervise but not the being shouted at all the time. I know why she is angry, she's frustrated too and she feels like she is being told off. Doesn't make it easier. We try and keep our tone as positive and calm as possible but it doesn't help. Getting her to tidy or clear up anything is completely out. Our energy is maxed out getting her dressed, doing homework etc. So I need to clear up after her as well.

DH and I both have ADHD too, and both work FT. Honestly I'm physically and emotionally exhausted by it all. It's like having a toddler except that no one gets it, no one helps or supports. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?

What support is DD receiving?
Has DD had an OT assessment?

If you haven’t already you could try a prompt sheet and many alarms &/or backward chaining.

Have you spoken to the school about homework? Do they have a homework club? Could you cut it down to the essential core homework?

Have you had social care assessments? A carers assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DD.

Thanks so much for your answer justkeepbuilding

I get the feeling there is a lot of support we may be entitled to do, if we did the reading and could cope with the admin.

She is under camhs and the senco at school, school are helpful to an extent but don't really see most of the issues as she gets high grades (as long as we remember to give her her equasym). Most of my arguments with them are when they punish her for losing things...
Cutting down homework would help for sure although it's not the biggest issue.

What is an OT assessment?
By prompt sheet do you mean list of things to do? They tend to work for the first few times and then not, she just ignores them.
I haven't heard of backward chaining, I will read up on it.

I've never thought about social care assessment, would it be through camhs? I carry a lot of guilt about asking for social help as honestly we are quite well off and I don't feel deserving. She would for sure qualify for DLA but we need practical and emotional support, not money (also I cannot face the 40 page form )

The school shouldn’t be punishing DD for something that is the result of her disability. Sadly many schools don’t see the issues. If you think DD needs an EHCP you can apply yourself. IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

An OT assessment is an occupational health assessment. It can look at things like independence skills, daily living tasks, executive function etc. As well as other things such as sensory needs or social skills if they are an issue. Yes, by prompt sheet I did mean a list of things DD could tick off. If that only works briefly what about trying a verbal list or alarms with a prompt on her phone.

Social care assessments are via the LA. Contact have model letters you can use. When you have the headspace I would apply for DLA as the money can help with practical and emotional support. There is often somewhere locally who can help complete the forms and the Cerebra guide is helpful.

I carry a lot of guilt about asking for social help as honestly we are quite well off and I don't feel deserving.

You shouldn’t feel like this as the support will help you and DD. We claim DLA for DC and have social care support even though DH is a higher earner because they support DC’s needs and having them in place helps them, now and in the future.

The school shouldn’t be punishing DD for something that is the result of her disability
Totally agree with this, it drives me mad and the senco says all the right things but then the other teachers do it anyway

If that only works briefly what about trying a verbal list or alarms with a prompt on her phone
There is no chance she can keep her phone on her long enough (even if it was ever charged) for this 😔
I've looked into backward chaining though, maybe that will help

What do you use the DLA for if you don't mind me asking?

If the SENCO is either not getting through to the teachers or saying one thing to you but not following it up with teachers email the member of SLT who is responsible for SEN or the HT. Punishing DD for things that happen due to her disability such as forgetting or losing things is discrimination.

Instead of alarms on DD’s phone would an Alexa help?

We receive DLA for 3 DC, it just goes in to the household general pot. We spend far more on their needs than we receive in DLA. For example: more extra curricular clubs - as physio/fitness and to aid emotional regulation/sensory needs/social skills/social interaction. Equipment (including all the things we buy in the hope it helps but doesn’t). Higher gas, electric, water, food, fuel, parking costs. Costs associated with hospital stays. Independent assessments and private care.

We could afford this without the DLA but having the DLA allows us to randomly spend ££££ on all the things that might help but don't without thinking and means we can indulge in DS’s special interests a bit more than we otherwise would. It also means we can save more than we otherwise would for their future needs.

Thank you, that is really helpful

There are strategies, but have you considered medication?
Is some of the behaviour being maintained by you inadvertently?
Ive done a behaviour course for parent of neurodivergent kids. Really good.

There are strategies, but have you considered medication?
She is on equasym, has been for 5 years

Is some of the behaviour being maintained by you inadvertently?
Such as?

Ive done a behaviour course for parent of neurodivergent kids. Really good
I have too. I'm still finding it hard to cope

Sorry to hear this OP. In terms of the shouting, could it be rejective sensitive dysphoria? And in terms of executive function, has DC had any tests or assessments to quantify the specific issues (Ed Psych etc) as that might help school to make better reasonable adjustments, which in turn, may mean less stress is coming back to home? It is really hard to live like this .

That should have read *rejection

OT - occupational therapy - might be helpful if you go private but unlikely to be prioritised on NHS. Definitely external prompt so it’s not all on you. Argh so difficult I have adhd and have one with adhd but far from the teenage years still. Does she maybe need a meds review? Not a cure all but still might be helpful to optimise meds?
the explosive child by Ross Greene is a good book and sounds like it might be a helpful approach. Not adhd specific.

Apologies, yes, OT is occupational therapy, I don’t know why I wrote occupational health.