Just general ramblings really

[Flamesparrow]

How long am I meant to wait to hear anything? We saw our GP on 4th December and he said he was referring her to see someone who knew more than him - I haven't heard anything since. I don't know if it is normally a long wait or if I should be nudging.

Anyway, that aside - DD has lost her friend

October '06 she came home from preschool besotted with J. He had a pumpkin on his top . They were inseparable from that time onwards. He is very chaotic, so is she, it was a match made in heaven (less so to the preschool staff ). They bounced when they saw each other each day, held hands going in constantly etc. The break over the summer holidays led to constant "I want to see J", but I didn't have any contact number for him.

Got back to big school, and again, they were bouncing and loving each other again (got told off the very first day for "touching him" - she was trying to hold his hand when they were meant to be sitting nicely ).

The past few weeks she has told me that J hasn't been talking to her, and says he isn't her friend. I've now discovered that she was asking him many times a day if he was her friend, and from what I can gather from her, just being very very in his face.

Part of me thinks it was a natural progression, he has reached the age where girls smell etc, but the other part is worried that she has scared him off with her intensity.

We used to go into school and she would be surrounded by several children as soon as she walked into the classroom - today I realised that no-one said hello to her.

She tells me that some of them say "bad words" ("stupid" "idiot" etc - banned words at home), and she tells them not to but they keep on. Again, so worried that it is her insistence etc that is scaring people away from her.

I am hormonal and very tired, I could well be reading far too much into 10 mins in the classroom this morning, but I am just so and worried for my baby - she is so so loving, I don't want her to lose friends.

Oh, don't know what to say but couldn't ignore your post. I'm sorry your dd is so sad (and you). Can you speak to the class teacher about the situation? Maybe he/she could tell you what is happening across a whole day. Would your dd respond to role play with you about how to cope in differetn situations? (Sorry if that is a ridiculous suggestion).

I think I am more sad than she is She is upset about J, but seems to be oblivious to the others drifting away atm. She seems to have made a new girl friend, and I am trying to work out how to teach her not to crowd her before it happens (does that make sense?)

I tried a bit of roleplay when she started the whole "Are you my friend" thing, but she just looked at me baffled - she doesn't get why someone might not want to be asked that every day.

Can totally understand why you are upset. Do speak to the teacher and get a different perspective on the situation. It makes good sense, what you say about the new friend, maybe the classroom staff could reinforce it with gentle reminders, or distracting her with something else if it happens while they are around. I'm sorry I have nothing terribly construcitve to offer!

Sorry to hear about your dd's lost friend.
You have a mirror situation of what has happends with my ds2 who has suspected aspergers. He is in reception and has lost his best friend. He apparently now keeps on 'telling' him to play with him. My ds thinks football is 'stupid' and 'pointless' and refuses to play, even though his old best friend has asked him to. It is sad, I have tried to talk to my ds, but he doesn't understand what is wrong with constantly harrassing someone and shouting in their face to play with him. He is also distraught and doesn't understand why his friend doesn't want to play with him. He says 'x hates me now'. 'Why does x hate me?'
He has now found someone new to play with, but I worry that he won't break out of this pattern of losing friends constantly, and it will keep on happening unless he learns some social skills.
I arranged a meeting with the teacher and the senco at his school to discuss this.
I really understand what you are going through, my heart aches for my ds.

Sorry missed out about the 'waiting' bit.
I would ask the gp who he is referring you to. Find out the name of the specialist in your area, or nearest to you, and ask the GP to refer you to that developmental paediatrician or clinical psychologist.
I am guessing asd, if not many apologies.
Best of luck.

Thank you I will talk to her teacher on Monday and find out how she actually is rather than everything I am perceiving with my filling in the blanks method.

for your son Deeeja - I think to start with that J wanted to do something with someone else/something that DD didn't want to, which led to the whole questioning him about being her friend, and in the end he just started saying that he wasn't. She seemed to work out that it hurt when he said that, so she has just completely withdrawn from him. I only realised the extent this morning when he came into the playground, I asked if she was going to go and say hello to him and/or his cousin, and she said "No, he might say he's not my friend", she says she doesn't play with his cousin any more either because they are always together. He then moved his things away from her when they got inside.

I'll try to sort out seeing/calling the GP and find out what is going on there too.

It is AS I have my concerns with, yes

Can totally relate to this, my DD (AS) started school in September. She really took to one little boy, but her constant/ attachment/attention towards him eventially scared him off . She is still really upset about it.

As regards to your appointment, if you find out which clinic/hospital ect, you have been refered to and then ring them and ask them if they could contact you if they get any cancellation, you might just get seen abit sooner.

Our first appointment took 4mths from our referal btw.

Some schools have outreach support from Behaviour Support Service teachers, and all schools have support from Educational Psychologists - they can provide advice on how to set up social skills groups or Circle of Friends groups - worth googling - which can give ASD kids support with issues like this. It's taken a long time for my J to make friends, but this input has helped him massively. Worth asking the school about.

I had 2 years of J's classmates' parents telling them not to play with J because he would hurt them if they wouldn't let him completely control them. It's only this year that he's discovered a group of very mature girls who see him as a bit of a pet and don't mind being bossed around by him or being constantly kissed and hugged by him.

I know they'll grow out of him soon and already know how hard that will be - he has no male friends. It's shit being a parent - I;d rather have no friends than see J have no friends. I know that you'll all know what I mean by that. Hugs to Flamesparrow xx

it is so sad to read this... I hope you find a way to help our dd flame... does your dd have siblings/understanding cousins/have any of your friends got children your dd could maybe play with?

my ds doesn't understand the whole friend concept yet, but I take great comfort in him having a long suffering big sister, who is nearly 3 years older than him and fairly good at understanding how he wants to play, his two younger cousins, both girls are also learning to engage with him...

he is only, nearly, 4, but I do dread the whole friendship thing and the sadness of it all.

Sounds very much like dd (7.5) also who has had initial appt this week after four month wait. AS/Aspergers is also suspected. She has just been put on a social skills programme at school amongst other programmes to help her. I'd have a word with the teacher, the SENCO and also see the GP to voice your concerns for a referral. these things do tak time, but if you are at all suspicious, then go with your instincts. it's hartbreaking to se them suffer in the playground and not understand why. Sympathy.

Flame - re:waiting for appointments - find out who she was referred, find their phone number, and phone up and ask - waiting times vary from area to area, noone will mind you asking for a ballpark figure. You can also try saying you are happy to take a short notice cancellation appointment = some areas automatically offer them to next person on list, but others don't.

I worry about the friends issue too. No easy answer.

Don't underestimate the gender gap at 5ish. DS2 hardly noticed the differences until about mid way through reception. Now year one he is ridiculous about girls. There's only one girl who he'll really admit to being friends with and that's because 'she's not a girl she's a tomboy'. He's happy to play with girls but if it was suggested they were friends he'd pass out.

However you might be right to worry about your dd's intensity scaring others off. have you come across social stories- they really help some children.

Teacher was off today - will try again tomorrow.

My mum works at the school, and she says she has watched at lunchtime, and DD seems to have friends to play with (a mix, so not crowding her new friend iyswim), but also likes playing alone on various toy wobbly things. That has given me confidence, as have you Yurt with the 5 y/o boy/girl thing.

I have a link with social stories - I need to sit and concentrate on them.

Thought I would update - J came in with a valentines alien he had sat and made for DD

Spoke to his aunt (dinner lady) who said that it is more a case that J wants to play with other children sometimes, and DD has taken it all very personally, thinks that he hates her and is too scared to ask him to play in case she is rejected. Clearly need to work on her self esteem.