We have a wonderful DS1 (aged 6) who is a dream at home. He is helpful, kind, polite, caring and protective of DS2 (aged 3).
I had no problems with him, even during lockdown with a young baby, except for a minor speech delay (resolved with three sessions of SLT) and he was tough to potty train. He was reading at aged 3 (shortly after he started talking in full sentences) and was doing 65-piece jigsaws at the same age.
We were, therefore, shocked when he was excluded from a small private kindergarten, aged 4, for - effectively - trashing the classroom every day. He was literally being dragged out the door by teachers kicking and screaming, and trying to throw classroom equipment. They told us to take him to a paediatrician, which we paid for privately due to long waiting lists, where he got an ASD diagnosis.
He’s now in his second year at a state mainstream. They are really struggling with him and applying for an EHCP. He is routinely throwing hard objects, biting and hitting teachers and other pupils. Last year, he got into a fight with a LD SEN kid who was in the sensory room, and her mother had to take her to A&E.
We’ve had him assessed by Potential Plus and it turns out he has an auditory processing delay, but is academically gifted (he has above-average verbal intelligence and a 1 in 1,000 non-verbal intelligence). He can assemble Lego Technic models, play games for ten year olds, and read sentences like ‘focusing the aperture with the objective lens’.
He is very sensible when he’s with me, including when we’re out and about in unfamiliar situations, incredibly curious about the world, mature beyond his years in many ways, and very capable of expressing quite complex ideas - including about his own motivations and emotional states. He reminds me a lot of the Young Sheldon character on TV, including the overly-serious manner and the formal sentences. We go on a lot of trips and, although I obviously make some accommodations (lots of explaining why we’re going places and avoiding unnecessarily crowded/noisy environments), he is dramatically less hard work than DS2 (who is a complete nuisance, but apparently neurotypical).
DS1 tells me the violent situations at school are often sparked by his desire to make friends with kids in his class, which are rebuffed, and by teachers asking him to do things he doesn’t want to do when tired. I’ve tried talking to him more about school, but he generally claims to be tired. I did suggest he was pretending to be more tired that he was to avoid these conversations, and the last time he sighed, and said “Yes, Londonwriter (he always uses my name, for some reason), I’m pretending to be more tired than I am because I don’t want to talk to you about this. Please leave me alone” and then went upstairs.
The school are putting tonnes of effort into accommodations, including a trampoline outside the classroom, 50% 1-to-1 time, sensory circuits, social skills classes, ear protectors, sensory toys and so on. They are applying for the EHCP to pay for all the support they are already providing.
I’m just really scared for him. He seems pretty happy at school right now, but I’m worried his mental health will suffer as he gets older. I’m scared we may have to move house and another school won’t be as accommodating. I’m also afraid he’ll end up being excluded for violence. I assume that he will start dropping support needs as he gets older, as he is so incredibly capable at home, but the school is constantly upping - not decreasing - the support he’s receiving. I’ve considered home schooling, but just don’t have the resources to make it work (and I feel he can’t spend his life in a bubble).
Just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience, and whether they could hand-hold/advise.